The Russian Ocean is a planned project to dig up the large and mostly pointless country of Russia to form a new ocean. This ocean will be the envy of all the World, and all the dolphins will flock to it.
The Plan[edit | edit source]
The original plan involved using gulag labor to dig out the whole country. However since the fall of communism the Union of Gulag Workers has campaigned for shorter work hours, meaning that even if every human being was being forced to work, it would still take until forever to complete. Due to extensive delays, it is possible that the work may be done with robots.
However the favorite post-gulag plan remains sub-terrestrial nuclear detonations. The radiation is thought to give the Ocean revitalising qualities. Digging is scheduled to begin after the successful invasion of Russia by the European Union and NATO and is likely to end fifteen years later. There will be a combined force of machines and Russians with sharp onions.
Advantages[edit | edit source]
- Europe and Asia would be more clearly separated, reducing the more deadly cases of Mongol hordes (unless they learn how to use boats, which is very unlikely, since it doesn't involve having sex with horses.)
- China would benefit from the extended coastline, bolstering the country's flailing mule-riding industry.
- The raw earth could be auctioned off to the highest bidder (whether this is the European Union building a land bridge (and invasion route) into Britain or the Atlantians raising their sunken continent of Africa.)
- The cool ocean breezes would drastically improve the quality of life and agricultural practices of the Central Asian republics. This would result in the more despicable activities, such as torture reform and the Annual Miss Stalin-look-alike Beauty Pageant being drawn to a close. Kazakhstani president Borat Sagdiyev thinks this is all "very nice" and is glad to be raking in $200 million in beach revenues and 10 million Russian prostitutes each year.
- Finland will have nearly 1.2 MILLION acres to plan Nokia trees. Finland will also be able to successfully annex Estonia without the use of a Navy and the threat of the Russian Army.
- Estonia would be annexed by Finland and Estonians would propably think for years about what really happened to that huge country in the east.
- Sweden won't get anything out of it.
- Mongolia will finally gain a coastline, thereby, becomming a tourist mecca and gaining notority. As of right now, only 50 non Mongolians in the world can place Mongolia on a map, 40 of them being idiot savants with a penchant for geography. Also, Genghis Khan can never be put on trial post mortem for war crimes, as there is no evidence to prove him guilty.
- The Caspian sea justifies its name.
- This is a great way to counter global warming and rising sea levels.
- Those Norse countries are now an island. What's hotter than sexy Swedish chicks on an island? NOTHING! Well , maybe, Megan Fox (Ooooh Yeaaah, I'd like a piece of thaaat fiiine aaaass).
- Poland will have NO idea what happened to Russia. They hate them literally. Let's all jump into FROZEN Lake Polack together in your typical Polish celebration.
Disadvantages[edit | edit source]
- 140 million angry Russians to deal with.
- China would have no space to populate and would have to discontinue its ancient rabbit-like breeding traditions (unless they buy the Russian dirt).
- If there were no Russia, Americans would invade the whole world and kill some of you, rape others and enslave the rest (bastards)!
- The lack of a giant area of snow will allow UV radiation that would have been reflected to penetrate and warm the world, rapidly speeding up global warming, and turning everyone into a cooked lobster.
- The increased ocean basin would encourage the formation of tropical cyclones, leading the hurricanes, tropical cyclones and typhoons to strike usually arid countries, such as Iran and Saudi Arabia, giving them an agricultural economy and making their countries worth something when all their oil is pumped out by China to fuel their shitty-made cars.
- Americans would have no place to find a mail-order bride.
- Possible resurgence of pirates and/or Vikings.
- The Curse of the "In Soviet Russia, ocean digs YOU!!!!!" will come true.
- Godzilla has more space to hide in.
- Japan won't get back the Kuril Islands or Sakhalin either.
- Everyone will die because the removal of so much land would tilt the earth's rotation causing it to crash into the sun within 15 minutes.