New USSR
Not only does the writer believe in absolute decline of everything capitalist in near future, they are totally obedient to the New Communist movement.
Новый Союз Советских Социалистических Республик The New Union of Soviet Socialist Republics NUSSR | |||||
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| Motto: Uncle Sanders, Fuck You | |||||
| Anthem: The Imperial March | |||||
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| Capital | Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskiy (2021-2023) New Moscow (2023-infinity) | ||||
| Largest city | Putin's backyard | ||||
| Official language(s) | the Neo-Communist Russian dialect (close to Siberian language) | ||||
| Government | Neo-Communism | ||||
| Generalissimus | Comrade Zombie Lenin | ||||
| ‑ General Premier | Comrade Zombie Trotsky | ||||
| Average temperature | −289 °C | ||||
| Maximum temperature | −288 °C | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Neo-Communists and Anti-Communists | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Jimmie Page, Iron Man, Soviet Superman, Lola, George Dubya Bush, and Zombie Reagan | ||||
| Established | November 2017 - infinity | ||||
| Currency | Stolichnaya | ||||
| Religion | None, only the Party | ||||
| Major exports | Things that the whole World depends on (probably drugs, right?) | ||||
| Major imports | New USSR needs nothing from you, jerks! | ||||
| Favourite pastime | A completely sober and planified thinking about conquering the World | ||||
“In New USSR little boy loves you. Oh my!”
“In Soviet Russia- gkkkKKTTT!!!”
“Shit. Not again...”
“I know, right?”
“Hey a country full of Santas!!”
The New Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (abbreviated NUSSR) more commonly known as the Neo-Soviet Union, will be a new empire separate from Russia with the Constitution of Many Things Soviet, Russian and generally Da Comrade..Ish of 2021 and declare war once more on the United States along with the Middle East and Unamerica. The NUSSR plans to have the entire world controlled by the mid 21st century. So if you plan on being the prez of the US by then, don't eff it up.
Geography[edit | edit source]
NUSSR will rebel against Russia, at first taking control of Siberia (where they will round up and imprison all capitalist pigs) and then slowly capture the rest of Russia, restoring communism to the region. This is all you need to know, comrade. In Soviet Russia, map reads you!! Where the FUCK is Russia!!!! I can't find it on the map!! I'm sooooo angry!!!!!!!
History[edit | edit source]
As the economic situation in Russia deteriorates between 2008-2018 many Russian dissenters will collaborate to reform the USSR under the banner of the Comrade Bear (only you can prevent capitalist world-domination) and rebel against the "capitalist pretenders" in Moscow, retake the Kremlin and rename Moscow Mother Russia's Mother.. City?
NUSSR was governed (and still is) by Zombie Lenin, Lenin's son's zombie. He eats capitalist brains.
In 2024 Zombie Lenin killed Putin and ate his annoying little pretender brain. Putin then comes back to life and claims he is Jesus and allies himself with Zombie Lenin which helps him get Christians to support his revolution.
Government[edit | edit source]
The main aims of the New USSR are as follows:
- To re-instate Russian Reversal, already in full use in the country. (Eg: In Soviet Russia, keyboard plays YOU!!) Nobody yet knows quite how they will do this, but they will, apparently, find a way or "a way finds YOU!!" Except those damn Yankees, they always slip away by blending in with there surrounding.
- To expand the current Union to former glory (see above).
- To encourage people to join them in their country. They will do this by issuing t-shirts, advertisements and a all-out leaflet campaign in 3 languages. These are, according to the spokesman at the press-conference, the short term aims. Long term aims include invasion and general mass-murder.
- To acquire technology for nuclear devices. They are reported to have started small, by building highly advance paper water bombs (origami-style). The US Government seem to take this threat seriously, and are monitoring the situation very closely.
- To create a Slavic version of Menudo.
- The New USSR, it's back and Badder than ever.
Future Plans[edit | edit source]
In Plans released in 2001, the New USSR plans to expand to at the very least two coastlines of the surrounding country and "return it to it's former misery". Many have speculated that this will fail miserably, and have regarded it as a joke. The New USSR, however, take a different view, and has announced that they will carry out these plans next year (2008)but have failed to do so, but have planned next year (2009). The NUSSR is planning to invade Amer-- oh damn.
New USSR in the News[edit | edit source]
The following are extracts from newspapers that include the New USSR.
New USSR Army Victorious in Act of Invasion
They will drop Reversal Bombs all over the United States as a pre-emptive strike (The cereal eats the children, car drives the motorist, the intern bones the president etc.) After the Reversal Bombs are dropped, Russian Conscripts will land in San Francisco and other key cities on the western seaboard. The disoriented Americans will be helpless to respond, while they are busy having their maps read them and being driven by their cars. Zombie Lenin will declare victory, but not before having some Capitalist Pork Ribs (what do you think the Pig Prisons in Siberia are for?) President Bush will announce that as of today, the American people will trick and embezzle him. Europe will surrender to Russia, before they can be hit with the dreaded Reversal Missile (Phone dials you, oh the pain...)