Fox News
| “ | Fox News: truthiness, realness, credibilityness. | ” |
Our fairness, honesty, and weasel-free respect can only be enjoyed by a public who wants it and fox will make sure everyone wants it all the time, seven days a week. What else would you expect other than what we tell you to expect? Only Fox News can give you what we tell you you want.
Time delay
Fox broadcasts on a fifteen-second time delay. That is ten seconds longer a time delay than our closest rival. That's Fox, delivering its news just a few seconds more out of sync.
Criticism
Scathing documentaries, vitriolic books and freedom hating academics want to destroy FOX News by attacking our accuracy and balance. The so called other News Networks like the alleged News Channel "CNN" often portray FOX News as a republican loving propaganda factory. Nothing could be more further from the truth. It simply happens that the fairest and most balanced news happens to favour the Republicans 99.9% of the time and that the only unbiased way to describe democrats are as "misguided Marxists who want your children to identify as gay whales". That is Fox at its most sincere and transparent. Our fairness is transparent and sincerely balanced.
The theology of Fox News
Fox News is a relentless 24 hour litany of unending scripts which is goes on even longer than the bible. In fact Fox News is the modern bible, giving hope and truth to America's chronic insomniacs and fatigued housewives. We broadcast news when you are asleep as the spirit of information reporting doesn't stop while you are unconscious. Leave the TV on and your sleeping brain will subconsciously assimilate truth and integrity. Not even God could explain things the way we ballancingly do so fairingnessly.
The truth must be reported as it happens
Fox News has the most breaking news interruptions. Fox even interrupts its own breaking news interruptions if the news is more important and more trustworthy. Interrupted news matters and our news breaking-news breaks are news-broken to you, the hooked audience, in a way that is making America great again, one insightful and thought provoking nightmare segment at a time.
Inside coverage
Other stations film Palestinian buildings being cluster bombed while Fox News is in the building as it collapses. ABC reports the details of airliner disasters but Fox News is in the plane as it smacks into a mountain. News could never be as respectable if Fox wasn't always at the centre of everything.
Impartiality
Not only is Fox News impartial, but Fox News also "reminds" its viewers ad nauseam of this truth. The more Fox News calls itself impartial the more impartial it becomes. No one can take that away from the American flag.
Intellectuals
Fox News's top-notch staff included well known and respected intellectual Bill O'Reilly before we realized he was an unfair and biased sexual predator. Our journalists must be vigilant at telling guests to shut up when they say things Americans don't need to hear. Most of our journalists do that, until they are disgracef and unable to live up to Fox's objectivity.
Commercials
Fox News dropped a Coca-Cola ad based on the suspicion that their Diet Coke commercial was unfair and unbalanced. Fox News cares less about lost revenue when fairness is on the line.
News
All news stories are screened through Fox's scientific news-unobjectivity-scanning-device programmed by MIT's unbiassed engineers designed by science and honesty. The machine is so advanced, it spits out the next day's balanced news before it even happens.
Plus or minus the facts
No one can call any Fox News broadcast misleading because truth is delivered relative to a risk of error that's plus or minus the facts. A news story recounting less facts than the amount of facts available does not mean that an untrue story is broadcasted, it simply means it is a story that's partially untold. News-watchers merit plus and never minus the credibility and 180-degree tilt. The more we broadcast, the more our news is plus the facts.
The future of news and Fox
We will beam authenticity into your biased mind in a wave of respect, clearness and honesty. This is a promise Fox News makes to its viewers, and it's a promise Fox News will never ever ever ever never no never fail to tell you you need.
See also
