Devon
“Devon, Nice girl shame about the sagging bumper'”
“It has to be wondered why such a mediocre place exists”
Devon is a county in England, but is often also used as a verb in colloquial english to express the desire to in-breed. However, Devon was founded in 1675 by Sir Dick "Devon" Whore, hence the name the county is given.
History[edit | edit source]
Devon pre-1965[edit | edit source]
The small land mass of Devon lay undiscovered in the South-West of England for centuries. Rumours of an extremely hostile, human-like race of pasty eaters inhabiting the farms of this region had abounded since 1702 when a Bristolian explorer, Bruce Willis, ventured into the county. Upon his return he told stories of his encounters with wild, tweed-covered men with bad teeth and lots of sheep, and wept as he recounted the attacks that had left half his team dead or with dishevelled hair.
Devon post-1965[edit | edit source]
In 1965 however, the Von Trapp family, seeking refuge from Austria, climbed over Exmoor and into Devon. Legend tells how the family were protected from the wild farmers by Julie Andrews’ heart-stirring voice which, along with the harmonies provided by the Von Trapp children, acted as a talisman. Against all the odds the family survived and founded the county’s first real settlement, Tiverton. Modern sociologists believe that the necessary inbreeding that ensued in this first town is directly to blame for the problems suffered by over 86% of Devonians today (a figure which rises to 94% of those living in and around the site of the original settlement).
Devon today[edit | edit source]
Devon today is a thriving region of men and women who do actually say “gar” when they’re upset, and of farmers markets where you can buy really tasty lemon curd with the odd cow shit smear on the base (if your lucky). Although the county’s founding family have been more or less forgotten, their legacy lives on in the name ‘Devon’ which actually comes from the German ‘Die Von Trapp’, later developing into ‘Dievon’ and later still to its modern spelling.
Devon boasts a glorious rail network that spans between the counties capital Barnstaple and the small town of Exeter. The counties rail network was set up in 1984 by the towns folk in response to a growing demand for travel, originally designed to carry only live stock it was upgraded to enable passengers to travel seven years later when it was finally decided once and for all that cows cannot be trusted to drive trains. Today one can still smell the fragrant cow shit that once lined the floor of every carriage in the attitude of the conductors, who are world champions three years in a row {1995-97} in the art of being a prick.
Along with its farming communities Devon also attracts city folk, who move from make believe places like Manchester and Birmingham to enjoy the picturesque scenery and rustic locals. However, sometimes these folk often bring their children which has lead to an outbreak in the disease known as ‘chav’. Normally sufferers of chav are able to roam busy city streets but in Devon they become agitated by the natural world around them and may become aggressive, and in some cases resort to cow tipping. Initially sanctuaries for sufferers of this awful condition was set up by Devon county council in a couple of small villages called Ilfracombe, literally meaning “ill from cum” which refers to how the disease is contracted, and Combe Martin, where the entrance to Hell was plugged with lakes of mediocre actor Martin Lawrence's cum. Bideford is another town acting as a colony for these untermenschen, particularly the East-the-Water (commonly known as 'Bogside') area, where they do nothing but breed and become uglier. Bideford is one of the ugliest towns in Devon and possibly the world. Bideford has a small claim to fame, by once being mentioned on television for one of their councillors actually being a prostitute in her spare time. Residents of Devon were alleged to have eighteen fingers by the BBC, which led to the uproar of several farm animals and a small goat. The most popular holiday destination in Devon is Croyde, known as "here be grockles" to it's natives. Coming close second is Westward Ho! and then Westwood Mofo?!!!??! at third. The region is famous for its clotted cream and also its young ladies, the supposed inspiration for Vicky Pollard.
Those interested in time travel should do what they can to avoid Clovelly, a small village located on the coast. The entire village had a time stop placed over it by David Blaine many years ago, and nothing has changed since that day. The street (yes, it has ONE street) is cut into a cliff and is cobbled, so if you're drunk and it's raining, you're pretty much screwed, as it is REALLY steep and you can see thousands of mangled parts of what used to be tourists at the bottom. It's one big happy, incestuous family there, everyone is very friendly and supportive, the only downside is the constant gossiping and the fact that if you marry someone from Clovelly, you end up related to the entire village. It is a very picturesque place though, just be careful that you don't get trapped in the time stop and become Jack the Ripper.
Finder Keepers should not be played in Devon. It's true.
Devon is the arch-nemesis of Ken "I love london" Livingstone, after a row over who could be more racist, Devon won.
The ancient borough of Barnstaple is a 'retrograde town' unlike other towns that were once burial grounds or rubbish tips and have become beautiful urban dwellings Barnstaple is the reverse of this. At the current rate of 'urban retrogression' Barnstaple will be a huge pile of litter populated by the armies of the damned by 2012.
In the heart of North Devon lies the swamps of South Molton, the town made its fortune in the 1930 Sheep Mining boom, sadly all the money made was wasted by the local council on a huge statue of local celebrity Johnny 'Badger Baiter' Kingdom. Today the town is mostly populated by charity cases who take tuns to wear each others clothing. South Molton, Torrington and Clovelly still war to this day over who has the most inbred population. Torrington has historically had the edge since its gene pool was significantly reduced following a disastrous double booking at the town's Church during the English civil war; the Royalists had hired it to store all of their spare gunpowder but the unscrupulous vicar had also taken a booking from the Parlimentarians to use the church as a temporary gaol for the hundreds of prisoners that they had taken during the previous evenings' battle; tragedy ensued.
Language[edit | edit source]
While is is often mistaken for English, in fact Devonian derrives directly from the language used by the local feral animal populations and is composed of a series of monosylabic grunts, interspersed with bits of borrowed English (the locals being too stupid to think of their own words). Devonians speak pirate talk which is a very horrible accent that is the most loved.
Dwellings[edit | edit source]
In Devon some of the underlying population of farmers and tourists gather into areas dense with chavs and old city folk. Such areas are known as towns.
The mud clad steel roofed shanty towns of the area have sprung up, literally, to fuel poverty and hatred for the Labour party. Notable examples of these population centres include Axminster, Exeter and the long abandoned Exmouth. Axminster, once the carpet town, is now more commonly referred to as "Smackminster" for obvious reasons: The town was once the home of a pagan drug ring lead by the shady atm (Axminster Mafia). These activities were soon eradicated by the application of Asbos and Power tools (run by some nob). Exmouth, the ghost town, is prowled by the descendants of once rich city dwellers. The chavs that remain will mug, murder and according to legend steal your organs for the NHS.
Exeter, fondly known as the last outpost of civilisation, it's meant to be habitable but it's not. First built on the profits of Roman ingenuity it soon spun down into a display of man's ability to kill the will to live. Exeter is dominated by the ugliest building ever constructed; Debenhams. From the tower the cruel overlords run the lives of the dwellers.
Plymouth, by contrast, is another uninhabitable city. Most of the people who work there actually live in neighbouring Cornwall. It was an experiment gone horribly wrong, the vast concrete hellhole has not been demolished solely because of losers form the south east coming to live there and referring to the bog called Dartmoor, just outside Plymouth 'The Countryside'. and Plymouth hole, I mean Hoe as something Beautiful. The native Plymouthians, or 'Plymuph people' are a species that are a real stumbling block for Darwin. The males , emaciated runts/ the females (janners) fat pig women or skinny brainless creatures resembling Pinky form Pinky and the Brain.
It is a common myth that Devon is really wealthy and nice. its' just a s much of a hell as the south east; all the toffs are selling roughly 3 acres a minute to feed themselves and the cities and towns are filled with pretensions losers, Chavs, scum and bugger all. It is in fact Somerset that is wealthy and pleasant, Glastonbury for all its violent murders remains one of the nicest places in England. But only in England.
For some unknown reason the small towns of Lynton and Lynmouth are geographically part of Devon, though the briefest investigation shows that they are actually part of civilisation. It is believed they have been tacked onto Devon by an unknown civil servant in an effort to improve Devon's economic statistics. Most of the people here are from far flung parts of the world, and meet annually in the Valley of the Rocks, deciding how the world should be ran far another year.
And if you're really stuck for somewhere to spend a wet weekend, there's always Sidmouth
Gang violence[edit | edit source]
Some of the worst violence in southern England is centered around Meadfoot Sea Road in Torquay. It is the renowned homosexual district of Torquay and is home to two rival gangs. One is based around the gay bars and gay restaurants of Meadfoot Lane and the other at the hotels near Meadfoot Beach.
There has been an ongoing turf war between rival gay gangs over the past few years. It used to stay as a simple dance-offs at 3am to the sound of such classics as "It's Raining Men" or "P.A.T.T. - Party All The Time". Recently the tension has escalated.
As a result there have been car explosions in the Meadfoot Beach Car Park. The plume of smoke could be seen as far as Brixham.
The Dorchester Hotel fire destroyed a gang weapons cache which was set up in the derelict building.
It is said to have been caused either by the few straight residents who remain, trying to smoke out the homos like a nest of wasps, or by the Meadfoot Lane Gang trying to grab the Daddyhole 'hood. The hotel was quickly demolished by Torbay Council in a bid to wipe out any evidence in case tourism in the area decreased.
People now regularly board up their houses at night in a way likened to that of Will Smith's character in the movie "I Am Legend".
In March 2009 there have been reports of drive-by shootings in the area. However after a few mysterious kidnappings, talk of this ceased. Torbay Council denies involvement.
The Meadfoot 'hood is often referred to "Little Compton" and "Little Manchester" due to the violence. Pink low-riders are commonplace.
Industry[edit | edit source]
- Grockle mugging
- Cider drinking
- Wrecking vehicles on the rocks of the M5 and stealing the contents
- Piracy
- Grass track racing
- Glass breaking
- Emigration to America
- Sir Francis Drake tourism industry (see Piracy)
- spelung
Devon In Fiction[edit | edit source]
In popular television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Devon is the location of the afterlife. It is consequently a critical element of the theology of the Church of Buffy.
Dante's visit to Devon in 1666 was what played the central inspiration for Hell in his book, Dante's Inferno.