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Well, you're dead. Maybe you feel sad. Maybe you feel angry at being taken so young, or before you got the chance to bang a supermodel. Or maybe you just don't care. These are all perfectly natural responses. I mean, your brain stopped functioning a minute ago. Or was it an hour? Maybe it was a thousand years? Who knows?

You're here now and that's all that matters.

Oh, don't look at me like that. This isn't so bad, is it? At least you haven't been destroyed in a big furnace or anything, right? What were you expecting? Fluffy clouds? Harps? Meeting up with your whole family again and living with them forever? Ha! Don't make me laugh. You didn't even want to spend time with them at Christmas.

No, I'm not judging you. There is no judgement here. There is nothing here.

"Where is here?", I hear you ask. Here is nowhere. Here is everywhere. Stephen Hawking couldn't explain this stuff, but you know what it is because here is where you are.

You weren't very religious when you were alive. Why are you praying now? You don't even have a body, or a mind anymore. You're not even a man or a woman. You're just a big 'ol pile of nothing, back from where you came. The nihilists were right. Everything is meaningless.

What, still expecting angels to pop up at any minute? It isn't going to happen. You're just going to have to stay here in this nothingness forever. There's not much to do, or eat, but you don't have endorphins to release or cravings to satisfy anymore. You're dead. As dead as anyone else who ever lived.

It really doesn't matter if you're Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Zaoist or Scientologist, we all end up in the same place. Which is here. I mean, even if there was a Heaven, it wouldn't matter what religion you are as long as you are a good person. Then again, there's not much point in being a good person if you end up here, is there? No reward. Well, I'll give you a reward. Thank you. Thank you for being a good person and giving to charity and not killing or hating anyone.

What did you expect? A PSP? You don't have any thumbs. Or a power source to charge it. Or eyes to see it. And it's really just an annoying brick anyway.

So, what do you want to do? I like to wait. Everyone likes to wait. It's the only thing you can do. Wait in the complete and utter void. "Wait for what?", you ask. I don't know. The Apocalypse maybe. Or Armageddon. Or until someone figures out a way to divide by zero. I really don't know.

What do you want to talk about? Death? That's a bit morbid, isn't it? I know! Let's talk about your life.

Not much to say. You weren't really a celebrity. You weren't even in a newspaper, except when you won that table quiz when you were eight. Bit boring. Why did you live such a boring life? Couldn't you have written a poem or something? Even an idiotic commercial script.

Not much luck with the ladies either. Or was it the fellas? Nobody really remembers anyway.


Want to play a game? I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "e".

Yes, that's right! Endless black void! How did you guess?

<cough> Don't have any lungs or a mouth or anything to cough with, so I don't know where that came from. I'm not sure if you can catch disease here. Don't think it exists in


What's that you say? Where's everyone else? Well, I'll give you one guess. Yes, that's right! Nowhere and everywhere! They are everything and nothing. Here in this... endless black void.


Wish I had a radio. Even though it wouldn't pick anything up, and I couldn't tune it in or hear it, because technically I don't exist. At least, not in the material universe. And neither do you.

<yawn> How'd that happen? No mouth either. Can't yawn. Endless... black... void. You know the deal by now.

So... an eternity of this. How long has it been? Two minutes?! Oh, maybe it'll get more interesting.


Maybe if we both just go asleep, or the non-material equivalent of sleep, and wait until something happens.

I'm not sure how you go asleep here. Just lie back. Or the equivalent you can do in this... endless black void.

"What about Hitler?", you say. He's here somewhere. Or... nowhere. Or...oh I don't care anymore . I'm not explaining this to you any more. You're dead. You're here forever. So GET USED TO IT!