Sidmouth

Don't believe your eyes. The donkeys are there... somewhere.

Sidmouth is a city situated in the South West of England, on the Devonshire coastline. It has a rich and varied history although is now largely known for old people and donkeys. Donkeys are generally perceived as the perfect animal, and nowhere more so than Sidmouth where donkeys and humans can live in wonderful harmony. Sidmouth is also interestingly nicknamed the Nipple of Devon due to its production of unusually creamy donkey milk.

History

Sidmouth was created by the Earl of Sidmouth in 1814 when he reached the age of 62 and decided he would like to retire somewhere close to the sea where they sold ice cream , Paninis and Kebabs. Unfortunately, the land he chose for the establishment of his new city was neither by the coast nor did it produce or sell ice related snacks. The Earl of Sidmouth therefore decided to invest a considerable proportion of his great wealth into fashioning a new utopia he would later christen "Sidmouth".

Changing the Coastline

Old maps of Sidmouth clearly show it was approximately 2 miles from the coast, yet by 1817 nearly 30,000 tonnes of rocks, earth and sandstone had been moved to create what Bruce Forsyth declared in 1995 to be the "finest beach in the entire world". Over 4,000 donkeys carried out the majority of the work, working tirelessly day and night to ferry away the vast amount of debris. Originally, slaves were going to be used to complete the mammoth task, however, donkeys were deemed to be far more lovable and so thousands had to be imported from Spain.

Today, the elements have taken over the task of reshaping the coastline - almost every week there are small falls of sandstone and rock from the cliff face east of the river mouth and occasionally a very large fall will totally change the look of the cliffs often depositing thousands of tonns of rubble onto the beach. After a few high tides, most of the rubble is washed away and the visitor to Sidmouth (or old person on a recce) is blissfully ignorant of the dangers and will go walking under the unstable cliffs often accompanied by their young children. Owners of properties at the cliff tops have recently flooded the online marketing sites with lawn mowers and such like as they lose yard after yard of garden to the beach. People in the know say the climate changes are directly proportional to the volume of hot air that emanates from the town council chambers every month.

Building the city

Jacob's Ladder. He'd rather like it back, actually.

The Earl of Sidmouth now declared the land prepared to be "proper good," so building of 'Sidmouth' could begin. The first thing to be built was a gigantic skate park as rollerskating had become fashionable, the Earl had first seen rollerskating on his travels in Africa and decided to construct such a park that would rival all others in the world. This was followed by the construction of Jacob's Ladder, an impressive feat of engineering prowess which made other contemporary engineers work look comparatively unsubstantial. Isambard Kingdom Brunel argued in 1835 that the Ladder was "the finest thing man has ever created," and it was one of the Seven Wonders of the World until 1953 when it was replaced with the Berlin Wall thanks largely to the campaigning work of noted time traveller and all-round hero Woody Harrelson. Other public buildings constructed during the 1820's included a pornographic cinema named the Radway (notable today due to still reshowing timeless 1920s films) and a classy drinking establishment known as The Winter Garden - latterly known as Carina's. This pub come night club is the only place available for the under 70s and is well attended at weekends during the summer months. It is the only venue in Sidmouth where young females drink pints of lager and cider and then screech and urinate in the street known as Market Place. Their antics often encouraged by hordes of shouting, acne riddled youths who gather outside Carina's to smoke and watch the girls fighting.

Growth of Sidmouth

During the 1830s, Sidmouth experienced rapid growth as people flocked from the surrounding countryside to this now prosperous haven. Its population had reached 1.3 million by 1839, making it the largest city in the world. Due to the fact that donkeys reproduce very quickly, the donkey population had also risen from the original 4,000 to over 3 million. This was ideal for the new population as they largely became involved in Sidmouth's fastest growing industry, donkey milking. Donkey milk had been found to cure all diseases including Cancer (which was yet to be discovered), and as a result demand for donkey milk was huge - and Sidmouth had a nationwide monopoly. The Earl of Sidmouth had also established a factory producing donkey ice cream, which proved to be delicious, low in fat and highly addictive.

Modern Day Sidmouth

There is no modern day Sidmouth thanks to the efforts of the 'fuddy duddy' town council and their 'business' friends who oppose anything modern - just so that they can fleece the old population with inflated prices and snap up the 'grey pound'. To be seen to do the 'right thing' the council gave the nod (and a cash handout) to change some seafront shelters into a youth cafe, an exclusive lavatory that no-one is aware of because they will not put a sign up, a shower area that is seldom used as holidaymakers must cross a busy road to get to it and an 'exhibition' area that remains empty.

The introduction of a language school in the town centre has, however, bucked the trend and has been set up with the help of private money and a town council grant. Enrollment is free to locals and the most popular course is a 6 week module translating northern (mainly Yorkshire and Lincolnshire) dialects into a 'home counties' dialect which is recognisable by locals and incomers alike. It was thought that such a centre of excellence for dialects and languages was a must for this rapidly expanding town where the population increases on a weekly basis caused by the non-stop influx of retiring notherners with their cloth caps.

Shopping

Shoppers will be delighted by Sidmouth's huge array of shops. Due to the recent credit crunch and economic crisis that has reduced the 'savings income' of most of the 'oldies' - a lot of the smaller shops are going bust and closing. This has given the opportunity for some 'national names' such as Fat Face and The Old Factory Shop to move in under cover and avoid the demonstrations from the locals which were witnessed when Tesco moved in a few years ago. Some say that the presence of these shops is a cynical attempt at attracting tourist dollars and fresh genes for the benefit of the local population. The large numbers of old people increases from year to year. This is due to the 'olduns' moving to Sidmouth to die - then forgetting what they went there for.

It is rumoured that a new retail outlet - Leathers Are Us - will soon be coming to the town and will specialise in all types of clothing - but, mainly leather - for the outdoor type mobility scooter user. This store, once opened, will then sponsor a yearly Wacky Races event along the Promenade. Some supporters say this is a long awaited formalisation and recognition of the unofficial races that take place every day when the mobility scooters break all speed limits and drive 2 and 3 abreast using the deck chairs and promenaders as traffic cones.

Local Schools

While many would assume that the local secondary school is likely to be a rather "upper-class" establishment due to the nature of the inhabitants, they would, in fact, be very wrong. Sidmouth College (AKA "SHITHOLE" - A name that is familar with all those who have had any connection) is truly awful. A high proportion of the students, I say students, I mean rats, cannot string a sentence together, simply because they originate from the local estate, Manstone Avenue and thus are utter morons. Violence, drugs and smoking are not uncommon, if anything, a regular entity, completed on a hourly basis by a large proportion of the pupils.

The most ironic thing of all, regarding Sidmouth College, or as it is formally known, the Shithole, is that the above paragraph is entirely true. Seriously.