Lawn mowers
Hello fellow lawn mower enthusiasts! I see you've got a new lawn mower there. Is that a Black & Decker 36V 19" Self-Propelled Rechargeable Mower with Removable Battery, model number SPCM1936? I thought so! You're a lucky man![1] Now, if I'm not mistaken, that means you you no longer have to worry about accidental starts, as every model comes with a safety key; can adjust the hight with just one touch and can always enjoy it's lightweight high impact polymer deck, am I correct? I knew it! I told you I knew my mowers.
Say, you ever wondered where those there babes came from? Or who their ancestors were? Haven't you ever wanted to know what started this whole lawn mower craze, anyway? Well I hope you're good and curious, because it's time to discover how grass and grass-like surfaces would never be the same again in this edition of the only lawn mower article on Uncyclopedia.
The invention of lawn mowers
Ah, 1827, the year that saw the glorious birth of the wonderful machine that is the lawn mower. The first widespread model, known as the cylinder mower, debuted that year. And even though it would be ninety-four years until lawn mowers would become the glamorous and sexy machines they are today, the cyclinder mower was still something to marvel at. It was that very model which would make mowers emerge as a viable substitute to scissors (the previous popular choice of lawn owners). Consumers could then see the truth of the matter: scissors were dangerous; they could get rusty, cause chafing on your thumb, poke your eye out, and, worst of all, prevent you from getting the exercise you need, causing serious health problems. Lawn mowers, however, would jam, make you exert tons of physical energy, and hack your foot off. Consumers made their choice, and cleverly determined that the time saved by using the machine was well worth the risk of loosing their left feet![3][4][5]
It was in Thrupp, Gloucestershire, that it all started. When Edwin Budding had his eureka moment, the whole lawn mower industry was set in motion. Placing at sixty-five on the list of 100 most important inventions in history, the lawn mower was one of Budding's best inventions, and quite possibly the best thing to ever come out of Thrupp. In fact, the lawn mower was the only thing invented by Budding, and nothing else of any note has come out of Thrupp.
So Edwin Budding, if you can hear me from up there at the right hand of God, where I have no doubt you are, heed this heartfelt message: thank you for your contribution to the world, nay, to humanity. While to many you will only be remembered as the sixty-fifth most important inventor in history, to me you'll always be number one.[6] Edwin Budding, I salute you, the world salutes you, we here at the lawnmower fan club salute you, everyone salutes you.
Ninety-four years later
The lawn mower industry had been cruising along smoothly for the previous ninety-four years or so, crawling ahead almost as if on self-propel. However business was getting a bit dull, and many people began to lose interest in lawn mowers. The only innovation for the lawn mower in the previous sixty years was the addition of a chain to turn the blades. But let's be honest here, people, chains aren't that interesting. They're nothing fun like a pedometer or a plastic cup.[7] Lawn mowers were in desperate need of something to spruce them up and appeal to the average lawn owner. It needed something that would bring back the love that they had felt for the past ninety-four years. Something, something like... a motor!
Well, Atco Ltd, a British mower company owned by Charles H Pugh, heard the cries for help from the lawn mower industry and added just that in 1921, by releasing the 22" cut machine, the first motorized mower. For only £75, the 22" cut machine was a steal, and everyone knew it. With annual production accelerating to tens of thousands, Atco Ltd had hit it big. It is rumored, although was never confirmed, that Atco Ltd made at least £75 off the 22" cut machines, but some say it might have been more.
Seeing what Charles H Pugh had achieved, Robert Bosch GmbH decide he wanted in on decided to get in on 
the fun that is motorized mowers and staged a coup, overthrowing Charles H Pugh from his position at the top of Atco Ltd.[8] After taking over Atco Ltd, Robert Bosch GmbH made many historic changes (three to be exact), by changing the name of the company to Atco-Qualcast Ltd and releasing the E-sidewheel and Panther roller mowers. They sold millions.
So Charles H Pugh, I'd like to salute you as well. Good job on the whole motor deal. But, Robert Bosch GmbH, as much as I hate to say this, no salute for you, all you really did was take a great idea and mass produce it, no one gets famous for that.[9]
The murder of Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor
While lawn mowers have, for the most part, been accepted as a standard feature of the white picket home, there are still some who do not believe that lawn mowers should play any role in human life. For instance, one day in 2005, Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor was doing what it did best: mow an exceptionally large yard (after all, it was a riding mower). Unfortunately, Richard Green, a member of an extremist anti-lawn mower group and known traditionalist, had other plans for Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor. Green shamelessly snuck into the back lawn of an unsuspecting neighbor, poured gasoline all over Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor, and lit it aflame. Very few parts were left after the oilbath, leaving the lawn mower in dire condition.
Mechanics tried hard to repair it before it was too late, but while they did everything they could, it was to no avail. They announced there was nothing more they could do for Craftsman 21 HP* Automatic 46" Lawn Tractor, and quietly sent it to the junkyard.
Richard Green was convicted of arson, breaking and entering (into his neighbors back yard), carrying a concealed canister of gasoline, and being an asshole. Green was let off with a light sentence of 10 years in jail with no chance of probation for the first six months. When he is released, he will likely be relocated to another state to avoid assassination by pro-lawn mower extremists. We can only hope that he will be rehabilitated during his time in jail and that he see the error of his ways.
Note: The following image is quite graphic. If you have a weak stomach, I would not suggest going any further.
Post-script
Now you kids get the hell off my lawn!
nope
*vrooooooommmmm bzzzzzzzzzzzzt*
*pedestrians scream*
Don't say I didn't warn you! And oh look, Now I have a new red shirt!
See also
Notes
- ↑ Oh, excuse me...uh...madam.
- ↑ This is obviously before the invention of lawn mowers, as evidenced by the long, uncut grass.
- ↑ They were right-footed, anyway!
- ↑ Oh, they weren't?
- ↑ Sucks to be them.
- ↑ Right in front of Dean Kamen, inventor of the Segway!
- ↑ That's for sure!
- ↑ Also known as "king of the lawnmowers".
- ↑ Except maybe Nike, Apple, Exonn, Mattel, Kraft, Nabisco, Folgers, Braun, Budweiser, Alexander Graham Bell and Christopher Columbus.
