Army men, or plastic soldiers, are a well-known and loved children's toy, more often than not for young boys, that are at the center of the largest alien conspiracy the world has ever known. They come in multiple colors such as green, tan, grey, and even red. The multiple colors are used to distract children while the Armymen complete their REAL task: cold, ruthless, and efficient destruction of the human race.
Origin[edit | edit source]
No one knows where Plastic Armymen came from, but all the world's best autistic scientists agree that they are from somewhere else in the Universe, travelers from outer space. Wherever they DID come from their next actions have been proven by history: They ruthlessly took over the U.S. military industrial complex, and used their new influence to start a war we called "World War II". This was done to disguise their next operation: transformation into small, plastic soldiers. As attention shifted to the War, demands for military-themed playthings rose, allowing the aliens to sell themselves to children. Thus began the infiltration of nearly every household with a male child in the U.S. The U.K. and several other Western countries soon were infiltrated in the same manner.
Vietnam[edit | edit source]
By the end of WWII, demands for military toys were still up, but by the sixties, the likes of Jimi Hendrix and the Beatles had turned America's youth to a ridiculous belief called "peace". This detriment to the aliens' plan would not last long, however, as they started a new war even more retarded than WWII called "Vietnam". The new war worked even better than WWII for the aliens, as not only did families give more allowance money to their stupid young rebel children, but there was a larger population than last time, due to the "Summer of Love". With the world nearly totally infiltrated by the early seventies, the Aliens began phase two of their diabolical scheme...
Phase 2[edit | edit source]
Luckily for the aliens, and unfortunately for little boys, all the aliens are female. Phase Two consisted of mass breeding with young five-year-old boys, on a scale which not even Michael Jackson could have comprehended. The aliens soon quadrupled in population, by approximately 1991. The aliens' plan met another detriment by that time in the form of "Grunge". All the stupid rebel kids who used to buy aliens turned to buying music with weird album covers with pictures of fetuses on them. Phase Two was halted.
At about the same time, a pimp named Bill Clinton was elected President. After taking a few years to formulate a plan, the aliens had one of their own disguise as a woman, and seduce Bill. Bill gladly succumbed, and was nearly impeached. Then, another disguised alien ran for office, under the name of "George W. Bush". After bribing the Supreme Court, he won, and started another war that was even perhaps crazier and dumber than Vietnam, called "The Iraq War". This renewed Army Men sales, and the mas breeding was completed.
Operation 2.0[edit | edit source]
Next on the agenda was Operation 2.0., a plan in which the aliens would corrupt a video game company called 3D0 and create a series of crappy video games to brainwash the public. Unfortunately for them, the CIA got wind of it, and blew up the 3DO game factory, saying later that they went "bankrupt" (which actually was about to happen anyway, as no one bought their crap anymore).
Phase 3[edit | edit source]
The aliens' next operation is unknown, but autistic scientists and Republicans agree that they most likely will poison our water supply while children play with them in bathtubs (and idea brainwashed into the masses by their video games), burn our crops during crazy suicide-rocket-launch missions, and then harvest our reproductive organs as we sleep. As people notice that they have no testicles/ovaries, the aliens will then transform into their real forms and devour our children, while also taking over all nuclear missile silos and launching all 10,000 of the world's nukes at Alaska (for being stupid), causing Nuclear Summer, in a final act of kindness, as most Earthlings prefer Summer to the often-associated-with-Nuclear-Armageddon season that is Winter.
Motive[edit | edit source]
It is theorized that the aliens' primary motive is the abrupt cancellation of their favorite intercepted Earthling TV programme: Gilligan's Island. The theory's main base is in claims by former hostage Rush Limbaugh that the aliens took him on a grueling "Three Hour Tour" in an attempt to torture him, which involved a cloth, water, and a board. If this theory is true, than the Order of Autistic Scientists (OAS) recomends that (on top of being their "special friends") we make a last episode of Gilligan's Island, in which Gilligan finds another "Gold Mine" which the Proffesor uses as fuel to propel a massive wooden boat back to the mainland. Once the ship is out to sea, however, the mine will set fire to the wooden ship, and everyone will die, thus solving the problem of the gang's getting back to civilization once and for all.
Notable Alien Infiltrators[edit | edit source]
- George Bush (I & II)
- Ronald Reagan
- Paris Hilton
- Papa Smurf
- Mickey Mouse
- George Lucas
- All Those Involved in the Creation of MMORPG's
- The Author of this Article
- Aggie80, a moderator on WikiAnswers, who has removed many an answer posted by the Author of This Article
- Grover from Sesame Street