HowTo:Get a boner

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Do you miss the part where your penis becomes very large and you boast it around your friends? Well, in this article, we will teach you how to get one, so in case if you're a girl, better not read this, but if you're a shim, well, I don't even care. Here is the official tutorial on how to get a boner.

Mastering the art of bonerism[edit | edit source]

This guy can teach us

. If you want to have a boner, you need to master the arts of bonerism. Lapu-lapu is a true man and he has taught his people how to get their bananas long and hard, hard enough to squash diamond and long enough to reach the tip of the Great Pyramid of Giza. He taught the people the elements of a good erection. It is as follows:

  • Correct vision - A wise man needs to get a boner AT THE CORRECT IMAGE. If you got a boner by looking at your grandmother then you're a true pussy (Or you just like granny porn), as in you're not manly enough.
  • Correct mass - Your dick must be erected in the correct mass. Failure to do so will result in a teeny tiny dick or a penis too big to fit in a vagina, even goatse.
  • Correct shape - The head should be round like the right portion of this letter "D". If it resulted to being pointy, you can never have sex with anyone ever again, for it is so sharp that it can leave injuries and scratches. Maybe I'll just stick with Penis jousting instead.
  • Correct weight - A penis that is too heavy can result in you having a bad time to "rise the flag". A penis too light can result in it sticking up your belly button, and I get nightmares thinking about it.
  • Correct toughness - A true penis is always tough, but being too tough can result in the inability to ejaculate. You should have a diet for now on.

Methods[edit | edit source]

There are many methods to get an erection, but here are the widely accepted ones:

Method: Porn[edit | edit source]

You need the following tools: 1 porno (Or in this case, this and/or this), 1 penis, 1 tissue paper, 1 room to masturbate into

Steps[edit | edit source]

  1. Look/watch your chosen porno (either video, magazine or gay) inside a room (either haunted or in public, I don't care, share it with your friends)
  2. Touch your foreskin and do masturbation.

Results: You have done it, my friend. Now if you ejaculated, go wipe your mess with a tissue paper, or collect it for later use.

Method: Sex[edit | edit source]

You need the following tools: 1 horny girl, 1 penis, 1 (or 2) room(s), 1 pianist, 1 piano

Steps[edit | edit source]

  1. Cleanse your bladders of urine
  2. Have sexual intercourse (Either in your house or in public, or in a secluded forest full of animals)
  3. Get laid
  4. Ejaculate
  5. Release of hold

Result: You had an erection, but you lost it as your ejaculated.

Method: Looking at your own ass[edit | edit source]

(Note: If you attempt to do this with diarrhea, I don't recommend you do this) You need the following tools: 1 toilet, 1 penis (as always), 1 rectum filled with solid hard crap, 7 very hard and very long strands of feces (As long as 12 inches each), 1 anus, 1 bathroom, 1 mirror, 1 bucket of thick dish soap substance to cover the water from your toilet

Steps[edit | edit source]

  1. Take a dump... Slowly... With your legs spread... And without letting the feces drop down from your anus
  2. While doing so, look at your ass using a mirror, and avoid looking at your penis
  3. Get an erection
  4. (optional)Touch the head of your dildo and BANG!

Result: You have done coprophilia. You are sick. I never wanna meet you ever again. Are you even watching 2 girls 1 cup?

Method: Viagra[edit | edit source]

You need the following tools: 1 to 3 tablets of viagra.

Steps[edit | edit source]

  1. Take some viagra pills
  2. Wait...

Result: Congratulations! You had your very own boner without a reason. How stupid.

Method: Rape[edit | edit source]

Pretty self explanatory. I would not even bother typing the procedures.

Results: You did a crime, you fool. What are you gonna do now, go to jail? good idea

Method: Morning Wood[edit | edit source]

Well, this occurs almost every morning, so don't bother asking for the results.

Method: Faking it[edit | edit source]

You could put a potato inside your underwear, hell a small child is even better.

Method: Saucy Pony Overdose[edit | edit source]

Clopping (Masturbating by hoof) might be a good idea to be castrated because of how solid that hoof is.

Method: Playing World of Whorecraft for too long[edit | edit source]

Like above, but without the horse feet.

Method: Necrophilia[edit | edit source]

... error; user not found

Method: Rape by sex[edit | edit source]

The safest way of raping people.

Method: Other[edit | edit source]

try these 100 Worst Moments to get a Boner or just do Incest.

So, what'cha gonna do now?[edit | edit source]

That's it. You got your boner just right. Oh, and about the elements of a good erection? They're useless. Just go do everything you want until you made it to the sanitary confinement. Don't thank me, thank yourself for leading you to this mess. Why would people like you even listen to what I say? Oh, because you were so stupid to even listen to me, yeah, you, <insert name here> (Or anonymous, if that thing says "insert name here" or something). Still, it's nice knowing you. See you later, or not, just go boast about your huge dick to people you don't know and get horny chicks go near you. Or get many people laugh at you for being a complete idiot.

See Also:[edit | edit source]