Man's best friend (phrase)

“There is no such creature as a dog! After one has consumed Mead to excess a dog can be a comfortable experience, assuming the Mead holds out!”

~ Oscar Wilde on dogs

This gesture indicates that the dog loves you very much.

"Man's best friend" is a phrase referring to domestic dogs, highlighting their close relations, loyalty, and companionship with humans within many societies.

The reality, however, is that dogs are the reigning, dominant species over the face of the Earth, a fact manifested by their uncanny ability to make their human servants pick up their crap from the street. They also use mankind by making it pay for their food and health care by working, while they stay home licking some pink colored body area. They apply hardcore psychological manipulation on their puppets via body language.

Despite popular sentiment otherwise, the dog is man's worst enemy. All dogs, great and small, would not hesitate for an instant to kill you savagely and then eat your face. They restrain themselves in most cases, because attacking humans means almost certainly the end of kibble and snausages, in addition to internment and death.

Dogs, it seems, are not as stupid as they look.

Speaking Dog

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Hey! HEY! Hey. Heyyyyy, hey. HEY! HEY YOU! Hey!”

~ your neighbor's dog on what he's really saying to the postman

Speaking dog is as easy as this, though not as much fun.

Let's get etymological for a moment, shall we? Dog is pronounced dawg, not dug or dahuwghah. Dog is a noun, and the plural form is dogs, though doggen is sometimes seen and is preferred by denizens of Maine. The super-plural form is dogz and the familiar form is dogg. The subjective form of dog is wolf and the pejorative form is mutt. Finally, the nihilist form is Due to the power of the overused slang phrase "my dog" between American males, dog owners now refer to "the dog that I own" when referring to their own dog.

Dog may also be a verb, meaning "to behave as a dog unto something else" as seen in the following sentence:

“ Carol dogged the fire hydrant for a minute until it rusted and she was freed from capitalism. ”

A variety of terms exist to help classify dogs for the dim-witted. A male dog is an asshole, and a female dog is a bitch. A group of dogs is called a gaggle, and a young dog is called a puppy-wuppy pupster puppy puppy or young dog.

The Elaborate Farce of Canis Familiaris

"Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who wants to eat my face? Who wants to eat my face? He does! Yes he does!"

Dogs are the cause of most evil, and are only considered Man's best friend because of an elaborate farce concocted by the evil Dog Lord Ruffus Barkley. A highly regarded citizen of the dog community, he used World War II as a cover for his takeover of the world. He achieved this by replacing all the world leaders with genetically mutated Canine-Humans; he then brainwashed the world with iodized salt to mask his grab for power.

The question most unicycle-riding bears want to ask is this: "Is your leader a hideous Canine-Human mutant?" right behind "Will no one free me from the indignity of riding this unicycle?"

Not At All Like the Matrix

In no way similar to a trilogy of films about the internet or something (the Matrix), the Heirs of Barkley use humans to power their huge squeaky bone factory hidden by advanced cloaking technology somewhere in the Antarctic. The world is nominally controlled by these dogs; they utilize an elite band of canine enforcers disguised as your boss at work to make sure humans keep up with all the petting, and that good boys are properly recognized as the best goody-good good boy in the whole world, yes he is! Yes he is! Does Mr.Stinky need a tummy-wummy rub? He's such a good boy! Look how good he is! He's such a stinky-stinker! Good boy! What a good boy!

But, Won't They Get Caught?!?

Experts also predict the dogs will never get caught red-handed in their schemes; even if they do, they will never confess to all the terrible things that they probably have done. They will simply yawn, fart and casually smell each other's asses.

Questions About Dogs That Plague Mankind

Paralyzed with confusion over whether dogs are their greatest friend or foe, man has come up with several good questions about their furry, malodorous wolf-friends. Here are some of them!

I Can't Get That Baja Men Song Out of My Head. Who Did Let Them Out?

Cloning dogs may have some benefits.

Non-disgraced Korean scientists have labored in their labs for months to determine who, if anyone, actually did let them out. However, due to falsified results and their dissatisfaction over the rule of Their Glorious Leader Appointed by Heaven to Lord Over Time and Space for the Splendor of the Korean People, these scientists have been asked to return their library cards, attend a weekend retreat, and a symposium for intelligent design in Philadelphia in March of 2006.

Can Science Produce a Cloned Dog?

Yes. Figure 1A is an artist's conception of what a cloned dog would look like: note that the dog does not speak Korean, meaning the picture is an obvious forgery of a cloned dog and is more than likely just an actual dog.

Are Dogs Banned in Kansas?

Currently, the state of Kansas is engaged in a legal battle with itself over whether or not dogs violate the will of God. Attorneys for dogs have pointed out that dog is just "god" spelled backwards and that if dogs violated God's will, why would they have been included on Noah's Ark? Religious conservatives have fired back, arguing that Jesus would not have licked his own ass in search of buried treasure. The case of Religious Wackos in Charge of Kansas vs. The Dogs of Kansas is expected to drag on for at least another month, at which time the court will rule whether to expel all dogs from within the state limits.

Do Dogs Have Hobbies?

It's funny you should ask. I-