Man Babies

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The journey to the discovery of the ages old phenomenon of Man Babies is one best told in the narrative style or the common household anthropologist. Please forgive us for the rambling bumbling nature of the commentary, as our particular model is one of the early sorts that would spend hours crouched behind a bush with a microphone poised to it's lips recording hour after hour of heavy breathing in the anticipation of some rough indigenous sex.

The Search Begins[edit | edit source]

The common mode of dress for Men in San Francisco.

It was early April 2006 when the call to search out the elusive Man Baby phenomenon arrived. We were at first speculative that such a creature would exist as a subset of our own culture. Our research however soon led us to find that the occurrence of Man Babies has been a common theme in the artwork of many indigenous peoples. For the purposes of narrowing down the search however, we chose to look in one of the places with the largest possible reproducing population of Men. We are referring of course to a region on the far coast of the wild Americas known as San Francisco.

Unfortunately while our cameras were very well received by the Men residing in San Francisco, we soon learned that the act of creating Man Babies is a very closely guarded secret among the Man population. Our early attempts to encourage these acts led to savage reprisals from these natives that we would not want to recount to any who has not yet before beheld the sort of torture known to commonly be practiced in Turkish prison films.

We were initially undaunted by these minor setbacks, as we were accompanied upon this expedition with a very large assortment of undergraduate students. In spite of the ferociousness with which the poor young lads were violated, we were determined to press on in our search for truth. It was only after the supply of undergraduates had run thin that we decided to attempt interaction ourselves. As our initials fears began to wear off in the company of the Men, the guile with which they are inherently equipped was made readily apparent. The mood in the Man domicile we were invited into quickly disintegrated, and subsequently they subjected us to repeated, savage, brutal attacks. Apparently however, the Men by whom we had been callously abused took pity on our ignorance of their ways, for they provided us with a variant of their distinctive dress, and a slip of cloth like paper with a face and some distinct yet indiscernible hieroglyphics that we are assured is what they use as a pseudo-monetary system for trade for food and other supplies.

Historical Evidence[edit | edit source]

It was a very rude awakening for us to realize that while these Men appear to be very like us, we are indeed strangers in their midst, and will be treated as such. It was with great trepidation that after our initial recovery we began to consider another foray into the midst of these Men, to continue attempts to learn about the elusive Man Baby. We decided that we needed to drastically readjust our mode of approach to the discussion of Man Babies, so we invested in more sturdily protective underwear, and began to seek out more evidence of the elusive Man Baby. Instead of attempting to gather evidence relating to the creation of the mysterious Man Baby, we decided instead to pursue evidence of the final outcome of that secret ceremony: The Birth of the Man Baby.

A statue found in a private enclosure representing the miraculous event.
An Early Native American totem representing the birth of a Man Baby

Our initial research was quickly rewarded by a plethora of information regarding the nature of the birthing event. Many effigies representing the birthing event have appeared in the artwork of the Men of San Francisco. These range in scope and grandeur depending on the affluence of those possessing them. The most grandiose example that we uncovered was held in the private area of the San Franciscan Chief's estate. Situated left, we believe that it represents a Man using a birthing apparatus that will help to incubate the Man Baby until it can survive on its own. The most curiously endearing representation which we were able to uncover, situated right, was a small colorful totem which was lying upon the grass in front of one of the more primitive Man domiciles. It depicted what we believe to be the "Mother Venus" equivalent to the Man society. The totem clearly depicts a very fat squat Man with a little beard (sometimes referred to as a "Bear" archetype in the Man Society) preparing to give birth to a Man Baby.

It is curious to note that the Man has adapted the ability to complete the entire birthing process while remaining mostly dressed. The "Mother" Man is shown with his pants and shirt still on, and even a hat still perched upon his head. It is readily apparent by this depiction that wherever Man Babies were originally born in the wild must be a dangerous place requiring the ability to make a quick escape if caught unawares by a natural predator. This of course raises the question of how the Man Baby is expected to survive on its own if the Man is so very ready to abandon it at the slightest provocation.

The Actual Event[edit | edit source]

While the birthing of Man Babies is apparently something that is very commonplace in San Francisco, and indeed is seen as something to be done in private up to 2 or three times a week, most Men are not willing to share the experience of Man Baby birthing with outsiders. Due to the economic structuring of the Man society however, we were lucky enough to be witness to several Man Baby births on the streets of San Francisco.

The Harsher Realities[edit | edit source]

The lower echelons of Man society often give birth on the streets of San Francisco.
Not all Man Babies are destined to survive.

Not all Men are allowed access to the affluence of the upper echelons of society. Situated left, these poor wretches are destined to wander the paths between other domiciles in San Francisco, begging for scraps of hummus. It would appear that the poor diet and other environmental factors experienced by these particular specimens leads to a poorer than average ability to develop viable Man Babies. On several occasions we attempted to approach one of these houseless Men who were birthing their Man Babies on the street, almost invariably they would scurry off muttering something incoherent. Of those that continued the birthing process in our presence, each of the births we inspected, situated right, was completely void of any life. It appeared as if the major component of these Man Baby births were a nutrient rich mixture which is an indication that an attempt was made to create a Man Baby, however the embryo which we had hoped to find within was missing, not dissimilar to an unfertilized chicken egg.

A Successful Birth[edit | edit source]

The Man and the nest which he prepared the birthing event.

We did however have an excellent the opportunity to see a successful Man Baby birth at a more naturalized region of San Francisco. The idyllic scene situated right is a small pond found in the very heart of San Francisco. Seen in the image is a quickly captured result of a Man Baby birthing event. As we arrived on the scene, we noticed that a totemic animal: a ceremonially dressed elephant, was being led away from the area by some extremely gaily dressed San Franciscans with dogs on Unicycles. As we approached the Man shown here, we observed that he was laughing and conversing with a gaggle of Man friends. This was truly a happy occasion for the Men, although we were unable to discern which of them was indeed the Father. This particular Man had obviously just completed the wondrous task of Man Baby Birth, but when we approached him with questions about the event, the accompanying Men became excited by our presence, and quickly pulled him away from our presence, one of our undergraduates who shadowed them claims that they left the scene remarking to each other about the largesse of the Man's achievement. We are inclined however to think that the undergraduate may not have understood the proper usage of the word "largesse", unfortunately we were not there to add our own particular observations to those of the undergraduate, however we take full credit for any of the undergraduate's work.

The Man Baby: A First Look[edit | edit source]

The Man Baby has a perilous journey ahead of him. (Six Hours Old)
The Man Baby is truly one of Nature's Miracles. (Eight Days Old)

The Man we observed abandoning his young, was quickly out of our line of sight, so we set instantly to work searching the Man's nest for signs of life. We dug through the noxious mass of nutrient matter that the Man had left behind to nourish the Man Baby, and found, still alive, a single Man Baby situated left. This infant was truly a sight to behold; the wondrous glory that is nature always astounds us when it is represented in the birth of something as sublime as this fragile creature.

With a sense of urgency, lest the Men return and be enraged by our defilement of their birthing place, we quickly gathered up as much of the nutrient matter, and surrounding water as the remaining undergraduates could carry so that we could resituate the Man Baby back with us to our outpost for observation. It was a beautiful sight to behold as the fledgling Man Baby began to take shape before our very eyes. We observed as the Man Baby grew quickly, shedding its vestigial tail and growing legs and the fur common to many of the Men we had observed up to this point. Unfortunately as time passed, we ran out of the nutrient rich mixture the Man had left behind, and thusly the Man Baby perished at only 8 days of age, situated right. It is unfortunate for the Man Baby that we, in our folly, did not understand the complete impact that our efforts to understand the Man Baby phenomenon would have upon this innocent creature's short life. Removing the Man Baby from its natural habitat was a dreadful mistake, which we will not duplicate without great reason. As one of the undergraduate students was quick to point out though, the Man Baby did make for an extremely tasty midmorning snack.

Common Predation of the Man Baby[edit | edit source]

Man Baby baiting has become a popular pastime in some areas.
Sometimes the Man Baby is pitted against more than one opponent.

Unfortunately our story of sorrow does not end with the death of this one magnificently snackiful creature. During our foray into the society of Men, we found that many of the Man Babies are destined to die not from general neglect and starvation, but because of an active campaign among the Men of destroying all but the strongest of their offspring. Our research found that in many areas surrounding San Francisco it has become a common pastime to dispose of the many Man Babies who are born in the area via cruel games of sport. Situated left, one of the Man Babies, not yet even divested of the skin pigmentation derived from the nutrient mixture in which he matured, is pitted against a vicious animal indigenous to the Americas. We hypothesize that the callous nature of these events is largely due in part to the frequency with which Men reproduce. While it may seem callous to those of us who are better than Men, you must understand that these Man Babies, if not put through a rigorous series of challenges to their survival would quickly outgrow the natural ability for the local environment to support. It is for this reason that often more than one Man Baby will be disposed of at one event, situated right. The question we must ask ourselves going forward after living with the Men, and their cold methods of dealing with thir progeny, is how can we return to our own lands, and our own families, with the knowledge gained from this episode in our lives, with the taste of Man Baby flesh still on our lips, and lead the normal everyday lives that we had before?

See also[edit | edit source]