HowTo:Find a girlfriend - step by step for total idiots

You think your relationship is going on to an end or you just don't think you know what to do to seduce a girl? Well, no duh, you weirdo, it's time to face the fact that you're a total loser and need serious mental help. Then again, you can read this and think that you feel better.

What you should do to not mess up

These are not colorful condoms with different tastes you perverts, these are lollipops!!! Yummy...you perverts!

• Brush your teeth. Seriously, personal hygiene is important, you don't want your teeth falling out during a french, I mean, eww! You're, like, kissing and then your tooth is in her mouth...seriously, that would not necessarily mean that she won't see you, but she might also call the cops to say that your tooth has been sexually harassing her. Now that's a terrible crime. Worst punishment: you might get sent to the dentist to nail the tooth back into its original location. A very painful procedure, considering that the procedure is done without an anesthetic.

• Make sure that you know the girl's name. For example, if you wake up in the morning lying next to a Barbara, try not to call her an Angela. That will really piss her off, and might end up in a castration, which could be the end of your life. Well, not really; you can always join the Vatican in old days, or sing opera. If you have problems with memorising names just pick some cute name like 'sugar lips', 'honey', 'babe', or something like that. So now you don't have to worry about the problem of being castrated, and no fights with whatever woman you decided to "have breakfast with".

• Get her little presents even if there is no occasion, you idiot, like pick your butt off the comp, go buy a flower and give it to the prettiest girl you see on the street. A little tip: try not to give the flower to a girl who has a gun, looks like a lesbian, or has a guy standing next to her. Why not? Well, try it and see.

• Girls like chocolate, so unless you are some lunatic on the loose, or a paedophile, you should do okay with the giving out of candy. Like, "Here girl, want a lollipop?". However, some girls might find that offensive, so use that phrase with care. Oh, and try not to say that to some lady who looks really a bit like a guy, 'cause the reason she might look like a guy is because he is one. A gay guy, even. If you do inadvertently do this, my advice would be to run like hell. However, if you did it on purpose, then you obviously know what you're doing, go away.

Blowing bananas out of your nostrils and flying away backwards is always going to win the girl over, every time. However, trying the same with dildos is usually a definite date-wrecker.

• Don't say stupid stuff like, "Baby, you know what would look better on you? Me." Those are very old and lame lines that would follow by the girl answering you, "Baby, what color do you like best? Blue or black? 'Cause your eye is going to turn one of those shades in a second or two."

• Don't date seven girls at a time. It's very hard to keep track of all of them, and, well, when they find out about the "other" I think they might be just a little bit pissed. Maybe not as much if they find out your cheating with only one girl, so try using as much brainpower as you have to think of what's going to happen when they find out about the six other girls!

Also, before entering a multi-girl relationship, make sure that they don't own guns or know something like karate, or have Mafia friends..that's why Russian girls are dangerous. Statistics show that Russian girls are very pretty and very dangerous. Take caution with them. Or just drive around in a bullet proof car and wear a bullet proof vest. By the way..if your planning on that bullet proof car, make sure the wheels are also bullet proof!! You moron, I knew you would forget!

• Try not to mess up with the condom...for example like the moron in the picture...control yourself! If you have problems try reading some manual...hard to put together stuff always come with a manual.

• Grow a very large penis. Women are vacant, brain-dead vacuums of dead neurons and care about you in this order: penis, job, car, and holdings. Bitter? No. Why do you ask?

See, a big accident. It makes you look like an idiot...read the manual you fool!

Good pick up lines (or not so good pick up lines)

• "Hey honey, remember me? From last nights party? You promised me a drink.."

• "Can I take a picture of you 'cause I can't miss a picture with Miss Universe"

• "You look so good I could drink your bath water"

• "You remind me of my grandma, except that I haven't slept with you yet."

• "Hey baby, I left my number at home, can I have yours?"

• "Man, the holes I'd fuck you in if you were dead in my closet."

• "Are your parents retarded cuz you are special."

• "Did you fall from heaven, cause if you did, you missed."