Joseph Stalin's Secret Jamaican Boys Fight Club Choir
The year was 1234. It was the year of the yeti, the year of numerical coincidence, and most importantly the year that Joseph Stalin’s Secret Jamaican Fight Club Choir was conceived.
Beginnings[edit | edit source]
According to historical fact, several Finnish Shamans were sitting around a campfire, trying to think of the best way to expel their Jamaican oppressors (For those who aren’t aware, at that time, Finland was occupied and ruled by the Jamaicans). For hours upon days upon months, the Shamans racked their brains for a way to bring freedom to their beloved country. Eventually, one of the Shamans, a Swede by trade, came up with a startling idea.
He said that the best way to get rid of Jamaicans was with children songs. He knew that Jamaicans, being a fairly peaceful and constantly inebriated group of people (except that night in 1230, where all the Jamaicans were completely sober, and took over the land of Finland), would just complain about the noise ruining their buzz and leave.
WORD OF WARNING: Never lets a Rastafarian become “unstoned” as the effect is similar to the Gremling transformation, characterized by vicious attacks and rapid brooding!
The Shamans Advance[edit | edit source]
The Shamans quickly set out and abducted hordes of little boys, telling the children’s parents that they were to be part of a school club. The Shamans lost no time in training them in the arts of warfare. The boys were quick learners, and extremely easy to brainwash, so within the month, the boys were ready for the impending war.
The night before the boys marched off to fight the Jamaicans, the Shamans rented out a Chucky Cheeses where they held a giant party for the children. After the boys were done "pwning" the Shamans at that wicked Simpson’s game (You know, the one that used to be in Chucky Cheeses, and you would easily waste twenty some dollars on) the children were officially dubbed the Secret Jamaican Boys Fight Club Choir (pronounced "kwor" but with a faint British accent).
The next morning, the choir set out to expel the Jamaicans. When they arrived the Jamaican's main city (see: giant field with makeshift tents and kazoo parlors where hippies listen to pointless music for hours); it turned out the Jamaicans had become sober once again, and taken over a small island in the Caribbean.
Disbanding[edit | edit source]
The Shamans immediately disbanded the choir, and returned the boys to their former owners. To avoid criminal charges, they buried all information regarding the choir, in a small chest. All their battle plans, techniques for training, and tampons were swiftly put in a small black chest, and were placed in a hole where, they thought, no one would ever find it.
Unfortunately, the Shamans entrusted the member of their group who was severely affected by mental retardation with the burial. Many experts have debated whether the burial man was afflicted with a severe lack of brain tissue or he simply was a sufferer of erectile syndrome. He decided that the documents would never be found, buried under thousands of burlap sacks in a ship headed for Russia.
The Jamaican Secret Lives On... Kinda[edit | edit source]
When the ship arrived at Moscow, the crew found the papers amidst their cargo. Since none of the sailors could read Finnish, or any language for that matter, they sent the documents to the Krakow Public Library. The librarians attempted to translate the papers, but since none of them could read Finnish, or any language for that matter (at that time, the Krakow Public Library only carried picture books. To be honest, that is what they still carry). So the documents became lost amongst a sea of garbage, and were thrown in the basement.
So time rolled on, myth turned to legend, and legend to… well you get the point. The papers lay in the basement for hundreds of years and were not found until a very long time after the disbanding of the original choir.
The Choir, Revisited[edit | edit source]
As a young boy growing up in Moscow, Joseph Stalin enjoyed many hobbies. From butterfly catching, to butterfly collecting, to butterfly eating; Joseph was constantly active as a child. His favorite hobby though was not unlike the average child of today. And that hobby is rooting through garbage.
The best place to practice this activity was in the library basement. Thousands of dirty, little children would come running after school to the library, and head to the basement. The first time the librarians saw thousands of children run to their doors, they were stunned by the number of children eager to learn. But to their dismay, they only were interested in garbage, which makes up of 95% of libraries.
Joseph Stalin was one of the most frequent visitors of the basement garbage pile. He, and friends/comrades, would sometimes skip school to spend a day rooting amongst the garbage (ironically, his schoolyard “comrades” would spend the better part of their lives doing this to survive). Luckily, he was the smartest child in school, and required no formal education.
One day, Stalin came across a surprising pile of papers. They were the papers of the choir.
A Slow Rebirth[edit | edit source]
As Joseph left the garbage pile, he knew he must spend the rest of his days bringing the choir back into existence. He set his educated mind to studying even more education, and after middle school, high school, and university, had become one educated man. Always dreaming big, he decided to become the leader of Russia, and put the choir back into action.
Ten years and several thousand bottles of vodka later, Joseph had been elected, or rather had elected himself, to become supreme tyran--- I mean, leader of Russia. Thus began the Age of Pain, the start of the Russian Reversal, and the creation of tampons.
He selected a small group of Russians (see The Boss’s Children) who were trained in the classic Choir style. They were used on occasion against the Hitler (a childhood friend turn arch nemesis of Stalin turn “the guy that Stalin based a lot of his ideas/morals/etc off and pretty much idolized secretly”) and Hitler’s rather stupid war. Unfortunately, they became horribly disfigured throughout their training, and scared people off before they could start singing.
Originally, Joseph has planned on creating a small version of choir that could be used in times of emergency. But as his powers grew, so did his ideas. The higher up in the political system he grew, the larger the number of choir members grew. Eventually, Stalin succeeded in making all of Russia part of his choir, but since the choir was supposed to be a secret, everybody just called it communism.
America Was Pissed Off; or Another day in the life[edit | edit source]
America tired of Stalin’s games. So they sent their top agent, James Bond to find the secret to Russia’s power. When in Russia, Bond did as Russian’s do, and rooted through garbage heaps in Stalin's home until he found documents on the choir and its training. He hooked up with MacGyver and together they made a jetpack out of ballpoint pens, and flew to the US. When they reached Washington D.C., they handed over the documents. The president was ecstatic and offered them jobs as leaders of the CIA. Instead of accepting positions in the government, they went into movies and television.
(Note: An example of Bond and MacGyver in Russian Reversal can be found under Arnold Schwarzenegger).
The US quickly started training their own choir to battle with Stalin’s. The US used the old plans but added some of the most innovative modern technology to date. The choir was equipped with microphones, 80,000-watt amplifiers, and tampons. Like all American inventions, this was hardly original, and doomed to fail.
Anger, Violent Anger, Long, Drawn-out, Violent Anger[edit | edit source]
The US and Russia spent the next several years in warfare, but no one ever used a weapon. The Cold War went on for ages, boring the hell out of both sides and adding unneeded money to the economy.
Eventually, Stalin had enough. He wrote up a cordial invitation to the US for a choir battle. Both countries sent their choirs (though Stalin was forced to handpick a chosen few, or risk killing off his entire country. And we all know how Stalin hated genocide) to a remote island in the Caribbean and prepared for battle.
Battle[edit | edit source]
Both choirs met at the small island of Jamaica for an epic battle between the two major corporatio--- I mean, countries of the 20th century. On July 2, 1957, Stalin personally led his choir against the US choir.
The battlefield was located on a small grassy plain (see: giant field with makeshift tents and kazoo parlors where hippies listen to pointless music for hours). The two countries prepared for the worst as each entered the “festival grounds.”
Oddly, before any fighting took place, before any explosions, deaths or the like, the plain was covered in thick, gray smoke. As the choir entered, they immediately lost any desire to fight. They all sat down, laughed for about an hour, and than discussed their problems in an overly severe manner. Then they laughed some more.
After the smoke disappeared, the choir was still in a docile mood, and ordered the UN to come and help them sort of their problems. The UN, who, for some reason unknown to me, happened to be at the same “festival”, wrote the “Geneva Convention Remix” (which reached the top 10 charts in several northern European nations), and made the creation of fight club choirs illegal in all countries.
After the bill was passed, Stalin was in an outrage. He claimed he had been duped, tricked into signing something he didn’t believe in. But then the gray smoke appeared again, and he lay down. Then he promptly ate a whole gallon of Chocolate Ice Cream all the while wondering how large a tampon would grow if he dipped it in Oscar Wilde's soup.
Shortly after the battle, Stalin was seen wandering away through the hazy mist. He was never seen again, but conspiracy theorists conspire to believe that his disappearance was a rouse to lure us into some sort of conspiracy paradox. Or maybe a trap.
The Choir Today[edit | edit source]
It doesn't exist. What is wrong with you? You just finished reading the UN outlawed it, and you want MORE information? You make me sick, you ignorant pea brained idiot! Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.