UnNews:Man's nipples fall right off
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 December 2012
PLYMOUTH, United Kingdom -- Looking at Jason Marshall, a 26-year-old from Plymouth, as he sits in his bed making small talk and weak jokes you would never know anything was wrong. Yet last night he caused quite the kerfuffle at Kerriford Hospital when he walked into casualty and told shocked receptionists, "My nipples have fell [sic] off."
Marshall was playing table tennis with lifelong friend Matthew Cheeseman when he felt a strange sensation in his chest: "I thought it was just an itch, but when I tried to scratch my chest I felt something hit my shoe. It was my right nipple! Then, as I bent down to pick it up, the other one fell off."
The pair rushed to the hospital in Cheeseman's car. He tells us, "We didn't know what to do. We thought it might be like when you cut your finger off, that they can stick it back on, so we took the nipples with us in a bag of ice. But that just made them erect."
A team of doctors hurried to save the nipples by using Pritt Stick® but Marshall's chest rejected them. Now he faces a life without teats. "It's weird, I had never even really looked at my own nipples till Saturday, when they were given to me in a jar by the doctors. They have these little white spots on them, which I never noticed before. Right now I am not sure how I feel. In a way it feels nice and smooth, like when you shave your chest hair, but I don't know how I will feel when bikini season comes around in the summer." [1]
Doctors remain bemused as to what caused it all. Head of surgery Timothy Moon said, "As far as we know, this is the first case of Spontaneous Nipple Loss (SPL). We are running a number of tests to establish if Jason is suffering from any genetic conditions. I hope that sooner or later we will get to the bottom of this, and it will lead to my getting published in the British Medical Journal and being famous and stuff."
Footnotes
- ↑ The summer in Plymouth is July 27–28.
