High school: an essay by an old lonely man in a retirement home

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See, back when I was a youngen, we didn't have things like school shootings. If we did, I'd've probably blasted my way through every class.

Ah high school. The greatest years of one's life.[1] Well, before the keg parties going on 24/7 in college, anyway. Yeppers.

The Drugs[edit | edit source]

I'll start with the drugs. Pretty much everyone in high school does drugs, especially at my old school. There were all the emo kids[2], always smoking cigarettes near their cars before school. And after... Everyday... Well, they did smoke in the bathrooms during the day... Until the fire happened...

Anyway, there was the soccer team! Those guys were great! When they played, it was magical or something! Our school won every game all four years I went there. That's cause they had something the other schools didn't. They had steroids.[3] I swear, the baseball team shoulda done steroids. Too bad the coach only gave them Gatorade® mixed with hard liquor. And chewing tobacco... But hey, it was the South! Who didn't chew tobacco?! Well, I didn't, but, then again, I wasn't on the baseball team, now was I? [4]

The most popular drug for the cheerleaders and the dance team were testosterone injections. I was always jealous of their moustaches. And everyone smoked pot.[5] Again, I didn't, but that's cause I wasn't very popular. Nope. I was always the loner. The crazy guy in the back of the class who tended to stare at you for hours. Nobody liked me. Unless I was helping the quarterback cheat on the tests in geometry. Everybody loved me then.

Dammit! I digressed![edit | edit source]

Seriously. You kids ruined vampires.

Aw shit! I covered sports when I covered drugs... See, I have this problem, I digress too much. I don't think it's a problem, but that shitty English teacher... Fuck... I just shit myself. Oh well, the nurse will just have to change me when she does her rounds in a couple of hours. It's so warming... Wait, what was I talking about? Oh! That crappy English teacher... She failed me cause I digressed too much when I would write. I think it's more interesting, though. I prefer writers who do that. Like in The Catcher in the Rye. THAT was a good book. Now all you kiddies are reading stuff about sparkling vampires or something. What the hell is wrong you, kids!?! BAH HUMBUG! Anyway, if a report is supposed to be about World War II aircraft and the writer starts talking about his favourite cartoon from the 90s[6], that's fine by me. It's just gotta be interesting.

But anyway, the old bitch failed me by a single goddamn point. Thanks to that, I had to take 9th grade literature again in 10th grade. Guess what? The Crucible sucks even more the second time you read it. I still don't understand why people think the Salem witch trials were at all interesting... Winona Ryder's not even that hot.

My friends[edit | edit source]

Where the hell is that nurse? It's hard to write when YOU'VE GOT DOODY IN YOUR PANTS!

My friends during high school were really funny. They pulled this one prank on me... They gave me a home-made Snickers™ bar. Let me tell you something, if you're ever given one, don't eat it. I don't even think they followed the recipe when they made it. It tasted like a nutty piece of shit. Speaking of which, NURSE!! GET IN HERE AND CLEAN ME! Those friends of mine were great. They were always pulling pranks like that on me. Like the time they put the cafeteria ladies dirty undies in my locker. The smell stayed the whole sophomore year. Wait a minute... They weren't my friends! They were bullies! Just like that bully from when I was in the nursery...

What haven't I covered?[edit | edit source]

So anyway, umm... DAMMIT! Where is that damn nurse?! I need her to change my diapy! Anyway... What was I saying? Something about high school... 'Kay, I covered sports, my bastard English teacher who failed me and made me take a freshmen class when I was a sophomore, friendship, drugs, sex... Wait! I didn't cover sex, yet! Yeah, well none of the girls were worth having sex with, but they all did. Well, there was this one girl, but she was a bitch[7]. Seriously. So... Shit! I'm starting to stink!

I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU BITCH!! GET IN HERE AND CHANGE ME!!!

The Girls[edit | edit source]

Beer everywhere, but nothing to drink...

Well as I was saying, none of the girls at my school were attractive. Except one bitch.[8] The rest of them were into either the jocks or the emo guys. By the way, the emo guys were far more attractive than the girls which made me doubt my sexuality for a bit. Anyway, I finally got laid at this party the summer before senior year started. It was honestly one of the most embarrassing events in my life. First off, I hadn't had a single thing to drink the whole damn night. All they had at the party was beer. No soda anywhere. Not a single thing of it. Not the refrigerator, not cabinets, not even under the couch.[9] I remember that I tried to get some plain water from the kitchen sink, but some jerk off had shitted in the sink. Guess he had to because some people were having sex in the bathroom, but still. That's nasty. And WHERE THE HELL IS THAT NURSE?! I'M GONNA NEED A SPONGE BATH, NOW!!!

Here it comes[edit | edit source]

Lost it in this shitty car... /cries.

So, I thirsty, she was drunk; I was a virgin, she was sexually abused by her daddy. She took me to an upstairs bedroom. We started to dry-hump,[10] and then she told me to take off my cloths. I did what she told me, as she was much more experienced than I was.[11]

DAMMIT NURSE!! GET IN HERE AND CLEAN MY BUM!!

Anyway, she laid on the bed with legs spread wide open and . She told me to do a sexy dance for her since she wasn't horny, yet. Well, I did. Then, I started hearing some laughter from the closet. Two of the people on the football team had filmed the whole dance. I grabbed to pull my cloths from the floor to put back on and run out, but my cum had dried and stuck to the ground like super glue. I ran out of the house naked. The assholes put the video up on YouTube later that night and titled it "The Nasty Dancer".[12] It got over a million hits the first night and was featured on several news broadcasts for the next month. Nancy Grace still talks about it.

Anyway, this guy I knew offered me a ride home. We had sex in the back-seat of his car. It was the most shameful way to lose my virginity. He didn't even call after!

Conclusion[edit | edit source]

In conclusion, high school sucked. Literally.[13]

DAMMIT NURSE!! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND CLEAN MINE!! I KNOW YOU SMELL THIS!!!

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

Nasty Dancer - This was me.
  1. ↑ Sarcasm.
  2. ↑ The emo kids made up about half of the school, and none of them ever wanted to conform so they decided to dye their hair blue and pink and wear the same clothes as one another. Yep. They were cool.
  3. ↑ Hey, don't start criticizing them! Steroids are performance-enhancing which also means they're entertainment-enhancing! Think about it.
  4. ↑ And just in case you're still wondering, I wasn't.
  5. ↑ They stopped selling it at school after the county started coming up there with vicious drug dogs, though. Someone's always has to ruin the fun...
  6. ↑ Mine was Freakazoid!
  7. ↑ A cat-hating bitch. Like Stephen Hawking, only sexier.
  8. ↑ She was literally a female dog, which explains why she hated cats so much.
  9. ↑ Yes, I looked under the couch. And everyone gave me the same look you're giving me right now. I was thirsty!
  10. ↑ Though I certainly wasn't dry...
  11. ↑ The only experience I had was with my right hand. Masturbation, if you will.
  12. ↑ And so I was called The Nasty Dancer the entire senior year.
  13. ↑ Yes, I gave John a blowjob, too. Why didn't he ever call me back...
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