ER (TV series)

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“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. And one of my senses is infected. Where is the doctor?”

“Look, just give me something for the pus.”

~ Madonna on a visit to ER

“I am thrice homeless. In my bathtub, the ambulance, and in the ER. Always a patient, never a Jew”

~ Gustav Mahler on a visit to ER

“And where is the doctor? I've been waiting here six hours...”

~ Vincent van Gogh on a visit to ER
An eye test chart, courtesy American Optometric Association

Created sometime in the eighties or nineties, E.R. debuted to a less than stellar reaction. Critics panned the premiere episode, calling it tedious, dark, and without much Kung Fu. Shortly after the premiere episode, the ER Pierogi Riots broke out in Poland. 957 million people were killed or wounded or were not in any danger whatsoever. The riots, over the suicide of the nurse on the show, cost an estimated 55 billion Euros. As a result, the producers of the show changed the storyline of the second episode, to make the nurse suddenly come back to life. The damage was done, however, and Poland severed diplomatic ties with the United States for the next five years.

Filled with complicated medical terms like "stat" and "clear!," the show borrowed scripting devices from the successful albeit defunct Star Trek: The Next Generation TV series. Producers on the show debated whether to give Dr. Benton a pair of hi-tech glasses, similar to the ones Jordi LaForge wore on Star Trek. They dropped the idea when Eric La Salle, who played Dr. Benton, had trouble reading the cue cards.

Eventually the show was put under surveillance by the Fatherland Security Ministry. The government ruled that the show was too intelligent for its own good, and had to be taken out by the CIA. All the actors on the show were ordered to donate their organs to a third-world country, and the writers, producers, directors, and crew were just told to beat it, like Michael Jackson, who unfortunately could have benefited from a trip to an ER.

Plot[edit | edit source]

The plot revolves around a group of clowns, nurses and background guinea pigs at a hospital E.R. The acronym may stand for Explosive Rectal (based on episode four when the suicidal nurse tries to die from a dodgy vibrator ) or Everyone's Replaceable, which of course, is the basic principle behind the show.

George Clooney, from the US White House at the time (Secretary of Brooding Sex Symbols), had a brief (but still unbearably long) stint in the show as a horny pediatrician who fornicates with everything in the hospital that has a vagina. Using his character as a template, the plot then revolved around young doctors constantly on alert for sex.
Click here for alternate episode scripts.
Click here for a sample script from the spinoff show called "Emergency Room".

Superstition and Numerology[edit | edit source]

Most of the cast and crew, particularly the writers, directors, and the guys who bring the stale bagels exhibited superstitous tendencies during production. They frequently would have a disaster occur in the 13th show, would regularly make use (and fun) of public holidays, and generally would freak out boom operators and cameramen to no end.

Michael Crichton[edit | edit source]

Michael Crichton, whose novels have been turned into movies such as Jurassic Park, was surprised when his novel about ER doctors was going to be adapted into film by Steven Spielberg. Well, eventually it turned into a television series adapted by some loser fresh out of college. Unfortunately, the papers were already signed and Micheal Crichton's career was ruined. Luckily, he died in a water skiing accident later that year. His body of work includes fully-prepared sketches for the unfinished Season Nr. 16 in A flat major, published posthumously by G Schirmer, Inc. This work, completed in early 2009 by John Wells, David Zabel and Lisa Zwerling, is currently under production and will air sometime in the fall of 2010.

Popularity Today[edit | edit source]

Cast from left to right:
Top: Morgan Freeman, Alicia Silverstone
Middle: Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Halle Berry
Bottom: Deborah Harry, Noah Wyle

ER remains the longest, most bloated series on any American TV show, and has a following, even today, nearly two decades later. This following consists of soap opera geeks and sixty to ninety year old shut-ins. Inevitably, the show jumped the shark when all the patients had some form of V.D. (in a stupid attempt to market the network's new acronym medical drama, V.D.). And if you look to the left, you'll see a patient with leprosy.

Cast of Characters[edit | edit source]

Dr. John Carter, Ph.D. C.A.S.H. (played by Noah "Shhhh" Wyle) John Carter was the rich kid who grew up to be an even richer doctor. Abused by his mentor Dr. Benton, Dr. Carter eventually got sick of the ER and moved to Alaska to head the Palin Breast Enlargement Center. Later, he showed up to open the replacement for County General Hospital, the Carter Dead Baby Center For Underpriviliged Working Stiffs. Featured in every exam room will be a picture of Dr. Carter and his wife what's her face, cradling a dead baby. Each picture will showcase a different dead baby. There are more than 1,000 rooms. You do the math. Carter was eventually nabbed in France visiting his sister Petunia, and was sentenced (by the arresting officers) to three years for genocide of children.

Nurse Haleh Adams, Ph.D. S.N.A.R.K. (Played by Yvette Freeman, sister of Gordon Freeman) As the only black female nurse in the entire Chicago Hospital system, Haleh would inflict herself on the patients. Haleh will be appearing at The Blue Note till the end of the year, and next year at Walmart.

Nurse Carol Hathaway, Ph.D. P.I.L.L. (played by Juliana "Nurse LaughaLot" Margulies) As charge nurse of the ER, she was in charge of credit card orders. For all kinds of medical stuff, like joy buzzers, tubes of superglue, door-mountable buckets of water, etc. Just 15 minutes into the first episode, Nurse Hathaway expressed her dissatisfaction with her employer by attempting suicide. This didn't work of course, and Nurse Hathaway ended up in Seattle as a knocked up single mother. That plan would have worked had she not run into Doug Ross at a Seattle Seahawks game. When asked why she was even in Seattle, Ms. Hathaway said "I don't even like hockey. What am I doing here?" She recently traveled to North Korea by invitation of Kim Jung Un, and was convicted and sentenced to three years hard labor for laughing during the North Korean leader's speech.

Nurse Ethel "Chuny" Marquez, Ph.D. H.O.T.T.A.M.A.L.E. (Played by Laura "The Help" Ceron) She was the only Mexican nurse in the entire Chicago Hospital system. Nurse Chuny assisted the doctors in many executions of patients, some of which were also Mexican. She was convicted of transporting Quenepas across state lines, and was sentenced to three years probation at the morgue where Lindsay Lohan worked.

Nurse Malik McGrath, Ph. D. R.O.B.O.J.O.C.K. (Played by Rap artist Deezer D. aka Demond Wilson) As the only black male nurse in the entire Chicago Hospital system, Malik would inflict his rap stylings on the patients. He is currently working as a nursing supervisor in the Heaven's Gate Nursing Home and Soylent Green Factory.

Dr. Peter Benton, Ph.D. P.R.I.K (played by Eric "Darryl" LaSalle) As the show's surgeon and pain in the prick, Dr. Benton guided Carter's intership like Captain Edward J. Smith guided the Titanic. Dr. Benton recently expanded into the field of brain surgery, and is currently the director of Neurosurgery at Northwestern. Indeed, may God help us all.

Dr. Jing Mei "Deb" Chen, Ph.D. G.U.I.D.E.W.I.R.E. (Played by Ming-Na Wen) She was the beautiful but deadly doctor from China who had a photographic memory until Dr. weaver ordered her to stop bringing her cameraphone to work. Arrested in China for poisoning her father, Dr. Chen escaped the Chinese prison where she was being held and returned to America. There she opened the nation's first Parental Poisoning Clinic and Euthanasia Service Center, situated near County General. Free coffee while you wait! However, she was later returned to prison, because it's wasn't fung shui to set her free.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday, FRKn FSHn CHPs ETNG BRIt - Honorary Ph.D. from Online University (Played by Alex Kingston of Jamaica) As the Associate Chief of Surgery, Dr. Corday used her influence on the male staff of the ER in her quest for a mate. Settling on Dr. Greene when there were many more eligible bachelors to be had, Dr. Corday assisted in his execution and soon afterward opened her own Fish and Chip Scones Sandwich and Thoracotomy Shoppe in Chicago.

Dr. Cleo Finch, Ph.D. F.I.X.X. (played by Michael "Angela Davis" Michele) She was the athletic, tough-talking pediatrician with a chip on her shoulder the size of the South Bronx. Convicted and sentenced to three years for stealing Christmas, Dr. Finch later returned to Chicago, divorced Dr. Benton, and began her own pediatric gun-withdrawl practice. She recently appeared on Dr. Phil discussing how children's minds are damaged by Dr. Seuss, and was later ejected from the show.

Dr. Mark Greene, Ph.D. K.I.N.G.P.I.N. (played alternately by Anthony Edwards and Anthony Hopkins) As the Attending, Dr. Greene would attend many executions of patients who had the misfortune of ending up in a County-run facility. Dr. Greene suffered from a Morton's Neuroma on the Brain, which he tried to excise himself. This caused a Gliobubblelung Bastardnoma of the Mangia nerve, which hastened his departure from the ER and into directing. Greene's last known words were "You're a prick, man." After his death, he was sentenced to three years in jail for letting a patient and murder suspect die. The patient later recanted his testimony.

Med student Lucy Knight, Ph.D S.C.U.T. (played by Kellie Martin) - Dr. Carter's favourite scut. Lucy worked for only 44 minutes a week, but somehow managed to complete all her rotations in two years. She died in season 6 after being stabbed by Paul Sobriki, a first-time schizophrenic, and magically reappears in season 16.

Dr. Luka Kovač, Ph.D V.D., pronounced Kovachesniches (played by Goran Visnjic pronounced Visnichesnichnichniches) This guy walked around the ER as if he worked there. This is difficult to see, despite banging some of the 3000 nurses in the ER (including "NURSE®", the ubiquitous blond-haired cyborg nurse who has appeared in virtually every episode). Dr. Kovač left the ER after being fired for breaking Dr. Moretti's jaw with a shovel. He now works as an ER attending at Cabrini Medical Center in New York City.

Dr. Susan Lewis, Ph.D. S.N.O.T. (played by Sherry "The Goodbye Girl" Stringfield) She was the brash, potty-mouthed, rap music rapping doctor who made all the doctors and nurses swoon. Dr. Lewis left the ER when it was discovered that she was giving birth to Taliban twins. The next century, Lewis returned, only to leave again. Before leaving, she helped Dr. Greene to further advance the cancer that was eating him alive. She vowed never to set foot in the ER again. Well, almost. She appeared in 472 subsequent episodes of ER, each time wearing a longer and longer male prosthetic.

Dr. Abby Lockhart, Ph.D. J.B. (played by Maura "I'll do a Sitcom after ER" Tierney) She was the booze-swilling OB nurse turned doctor Abby Wyzinksnqxzwikixzxuiski (pronounced Wychacha) Lockhart, 80% proof. Due to her drinking on the job, many lawsuits against County General are still pending. She now works as an attending at the Chicago Hospital for People with Infirmities and Other Vices.

Dr. Greg Pratt, Ph.D. B.L.K. (played by Mekhi Phifer, brother of Michelle Phifer) As the only black doctor in the entire hospital, Dr. Pratt was the symbol for young blacks not to enter the field of medicine. At the end of each episode in which Pratt has appeared, the director would remind all the actors and crew to check their wallets. Pratt was killed mercifully at the beginning of the fifteenth season, which made up for the previous mistake in the first episode of the eleventh season, in which he almost dies from a brain hemmorage. By then it was too late to prevent his character from being written into season sixteen.

Dr. Robert "Rocket" Romano, Ph.D. S.C.M.B.G (played by Paul "We Killed You!" McCrane) He was the punchy, epithet-spewing dictator you love to hate. Dr. Romano was slightly injured during a misunderstanding between himself and a helicopter. He now works as a helicopter saleman (in Hell)

Dr. Doug Ross, Ph.D. O.R.I.G.V.D. (played by George "The Batman" Clooney) This was the self-loathing, narcissississtic Pediatrician, who loved children a little too much for a man his age, and who helped ruin the life of his love, Dr. Kerry Weaver. By stealing her crutch that one time. As a prank. sigh, No one likes a good prank anymore. Dr. Ross is currently the team physician of the Seattle Seahawks.

Dr. Kerry Weaver, Ph.D. C.N.T. (played by Laura "Duck! There's the Camera!" Innes) She was the strong-willed, dictatorial predatory lesbian chief of the ER, who wielded her staff on the staff whenever they got out of line. Originally from the racist south of Africa, Dr. Weaver left the ER eventually, so she could go muff-diving off the coast of Florida. Oh, and she lost the crutch. Who knew?

End[edit | edit source]

Unfortunately, the show ended in March of 10191, Year One of the Obama. This is possibly because they ran out of actors willing to be crushed by helicopters and given emergency hysterectomys. Of course, the producers of ER were too cheap to use special effects for these things, and also they all listen to National Public Radio. If you have ever listened to NPR, you would know (though it's doubtful you have because most people resort to suicide out after 5 minutes of This American Life). The show ended after running 150,000,000 seasons, and wiping out around one third of the world population. On second thought, that was the Swine Flu. Sorry.

Breaking: New Season[edit | edit source]

In October 2009, NBC announced the return of ER in the fall of 2010, kicked off by a one-hour whining, down-at-the-shoulders, dragging-their-schoolbooks special, followed by a two-hour episode movie. NBC released the episode plotlines that same month, after which they successfully captured the little monkey typing all this. Not to worry, the animal wasn't harmed, just knocked around a bit. The new season will air on Tuesday nights at 11:30 eastern, on some affiliates and public stations to prevent conflicts with NBC's new fall show "Cooke's Music", a show about a drunken forensic musicologist and his ragtag team of musical detectives.[1]

Series overview[edit | edit source]

Season Episodes Air dates HIPAA Information
From To Ratings/mL Total viewers Coma Scale Dilantin Level B.A.C.[2] Color code
1 25 9/19/1994 5/18/1995 200mg/mL 16 at the senior center 20: No coma, just inattentive 300mg per day 0.00% Black: RUN! (Don't forget to charge the patient)
2 22 9/21/1995 5/16/1996 400mg/mL Entire population of Senegal 15: mild brain injury 400mg per day 0.01% Blue: Give Tylenol and send patient home
3 22 9/26/1996 5/15/1997 800mg/mL 5 people with better things to do 12: More serious brain injury 300mg per day 0.02% Brown: Patient needs an emesis basin
4 22 9/25/1997 5/14/1998 1.5g/mL 10 people laying 10: Head injury is oozing. Get to an ER 300mg per day 0.03% Gray: Stay home and get drunk
5 22 9/24/1998 5/20/1999 2.7g/mL 9 people milking 8: Identifies as Republican. Give dextrametranglulol to reduce brain swelling 600mg per day 0.04% (Maybe get a cab) Green: Get out of the house!
6 22 9/30/1999 5/18/2000 3.0g/mL 1,527,386 ±91.485 (same as the Big Bang Theory at this time slot) 5: Extensive brain damage typically found in Democrats. Give 3mg titanium pentacrambonide STAT to prevent brain death 800mg per day 0.05% Orange: Money-hand-over-fist day. Excellent!
7 22 10/12/2000 5/17/2001 1 baggie 7 golden rings! 3: Brain death imminent. Transfer at least 24 gigaexaquads of data into storage for later download into a donor brain 1000mg IV bolus 0.06% Pink: Give the little brats a bottle and send home
8 22 9/27/2001 5/16/2002 2 baggie, ah ha ha 4 potty mouths 1: No brain activity. Use as soccer ball (for the kids) 2g IV bolus 0.07% Purple: Give Tylenol and send patient home
9 22 9/26/2002 5/15/2003 3 baggie, ah ha ha 3 French men -2: Brain is dissolving. Discontinue dilantin. Give sips of water 4oz dissolved in tea 0.08% (you in trouble now) Red: Money coming soon from insurance
10 22 9/25/2003 5/13/2004 4 cups/kg 2 Turtlenecks -12: Brain is shifting in and out of the material universe. Give Tylenol 8oz in breakfast cereal 0.1% White: People are jerks. Promote them to the board
11 22 9/23/2004 5/19/2005 4 kg/cup And a person stuck in a tree -20: No hope for the patient. Give yourself a bottle of scotch 1lb in the spaghetti sauce 0.2% Yellow: Patient left his wallet. Party time!
12 22 9/22/2005 5/18/2006 A cup of stout fer me mate 2 -30: Brain should be submerged in perserving fluid as a monument to your error 3lbs mixed in drywall mud 1% Khaki: Patient is in the desert
13 23 9/21/2006 5/17/2007 Make that a pint of stout. I'm feeling generous today -8 people (theoretical) -40: Brain is starting to show electrical activity 20lbs shaped into figurines and shipped to Colombia 5% Lime: Patient has a sour stomach. Give Tylenol and send home
14 19 9/27/2007 5/15/2008 99 bottles of blood on the wall All patients at the Ronald Reagan Hospital for the Mentally Ill -50: Patient has limited mobility but still cannot speak or recognize TV shows 150lbs given as feed for those elephants that I hate 20 proof Olive: Patient is on a Mediterranean diet. Give burger Rx and send home
15 22 9/25/2008 4/2/2009 Blood volume determined by overlords determined by overlords -75: Patient is fully recovered as far as you're concerned. Close the hospital at once and hide from authorities 300lbs mixed in the concrete used in the cornerstone of a new building 40 proof Teal: Patient is on my desktop

Season 16[edit | edit source]

Episode 1: Greene Card: New med student Rachel Greene is visited by the spirit of her father, who talks her through a trauma; Carter and the ER team successfully reattach a man's severed head; Dr. Banfield accidentally drops her foster baby; Gates and Sam marry, prompting arrests; Carter's sister, Petunia, flies in from Paris for a visit; Morris announces he's gay then changes his mind; Guest stars Herve Villechaize and Gustav Mahler appear.

Episode 2: Truth Be Told (Or Not): Dr. Banfield asks Morris to impregnate her; Haleh, Chuny, and Malik go on a hunger strike; Frank has another heart attack and dies (or not); Carol and Doug visit the ER on vacation (played by Maggie Gyllenhaal and Christian Bale); Guest stars Morgan Freeman and Kurt Cobain appear.

Episode 3: Yield To Pie: Dr. Anspaugh makes Pratt the head of the ER; Luka visits the ER and messes around with Sam; Dr. Lewis makes a visit and surprises everyone with her new male prosthesis; Abby makes a two-second appearance looking sad; Carter flinches as the ER suddenly explodes, creating a black hole; Guest stars Ricardo Montalban and Weird Al Yankovic appear.

Episode 4: You Idle Creature Features: Morris finds a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; Neela finally has tantric paraplegic sex with Ray; Jerry and Frank agree to appear on Bumfights; Reese Benton starts his ER rotation; Dr. Brenner goes trick-or-treating with underaged boys; Guest stars Bill Murray and Howard Stern appear.

Episode 5: Terminate The Salivation: Rachel finds Carter in the break room smoking crack; Dr. Banfield goes to Darfur then leaves immediately; Paramedics stage a strike forcing the ER staff to pick up patients; Paul Manning (played by Ernest Borgnine) sues the ER for the death of his wife; the doctors run around the trauma room in a panic; Guest stars Igor Stravinsky and Green Day appear.

Episode 6: Never Too Late To Sneeze: Paul Manning is brought to the ER but the doctors do little to save him; Carter calls Abby to reconsider being his AA sponsor to which Abby laughs and hangs up; Rachel kills the entire population of Western Europe; a three-mile wide meteorite crashes through the ambulance bay knocking three or four people unconscious; Guest stars Oscar Wilde and Vincent Van Gogh appear.

Episode 7: Under Siege - Territory Of The Darkies: Pratt and Gallant visit the ER causing widespread panic and a military response; Jerry eats the last Twinkie on Earth; the nurses stage an armed insurrection, causing Carter to flinch; Maggie Wyzinksnqxzwikixzxuiski, pronounced "Wychacha" (played by Sally "There's going to be an explosion but I'm such a talented actress that I won't flinch like that Carter boy" Field) looks for her daughter but finds only empty Tequila bottles; Dr. Anspaugh changes the dress code in favor of swimwear; Chuny cooks a Mexican turkey dinner and it explodes, killing the entire North Korean girl's volleyball team; Guest stars Joan Crawford and Sting appear.

Episode 8: Carterito's Way: Carter saves the life of a would-be suicide on the El platform; the ER welcomes new nurse manager Kate Stalin with a strike; Gates flirts with Chuny, causing Sam to join the French Foreign Legion; Carter accidentally ruptures the aorta pipe of the would-be El suicide, killing him instantly; Guest stars Lucille Ball and Nosferatu appear.

Episode 9: Le Mouchoir: Sam joins the French Foreign Legion and is immediately ridiculed for her accent; Carter is suspended for bringing Skittles to the M & M conference; Neela asks for her old job back and is turned down, forcing her into a life of crime; Sam meets President Sarkozy, who has a secret mission for her; Kate Stalin is fired, replaced by a tampon dispenser; Guest stars a large frozen woolly mammoth, a carburator, and Judy Tenuta appear.

Episode 10: All's Well That Ends On A Slab: Victims from a traffic pileup arrive and it's the job of the ER staff to finish them off; Sam returns from French Guinea with souvenirs and weapons for the staff; Morris is evicted from the homeless shelter; Abby has a fistfight with Dr. Anspaugh; Frank and Jerry fight over a stale coffeecake; Dr. Banfield shows up as Santa Claus, and is tazered by State Troopers; Guest stars Adolf Hitler and Bo Derek appear.

Episode 11: The Taking Of Neela 1-2-3: Neela visits with Dr. Dubenko about getting her old job back and is promptly deported back to Iran; Dr. Brenner returns from a Thailand sex trip with a couple of Ladyboys in tow; Chaz Pratt starts his first day as Resident, causing the ER to evacuate all patients; Morris loses an eye in a freak waterboarding incident; Rachel visits her mother at the Supermax prison for New Years Eve; Guest stars Denzel Washington and Walter Matthau appear.

Episode 12: Meet The New Boss, Same Old Nazi Dyke: Dr. Weaver returns from Florida to apply for a job and is instantly hired by Anspaugh; Dr. Benton storms into the ER looking for his son Reese, who is completing his surgical rotation; Dr. Banfield joins the British National Party; Neela begins her first day as ER candy striper; Dr. Brenner unexpectedly meets Abby at the Pedophiles Anonymous meeting; Goats overrun the ER and it's Morris' job to stop them, albeit one-eyed; Carter kicks his crack habit and funds the construction of the Carter Foundation for Crackhead Doctors and Dead Babies; Guest stars The God Particle and Chastity "Chaz, or whatever" Bono appear.

Episode 13: My Bloody Valentine: Dr. Weaver begins her first day back as Chief, vowing to put an end to business as usual; Rachel finds Carter in a trauma room huffing paint from a spray can; Haleh receives a valentine's day card from Dr. Pratt, causing her to collapse; Neela and Brenner reignite their passion on top of a corpse; Dr. Banfield and her husband, and Morris; conceive a child; Abby and Anspaugh end their differences over drinks; Guest stars Cupid with an arrow through his thick skull, and Abe Lincoln with a bow, appear.

Episode 14: Carter Doesn't Live Here Anymore: Carter is abducted by aliens; Carter returns in time to put screws in an elderly patient's skull sans anesthesia; Carter is forced to close down his center for health code violations; Carter orders 700 pizza pies and charges it to Dr. Weaver; Carter accidentally uses the wrong blood on himself; Carter finds Morris's eye; Carter this, Carter that; Guest stars Jimmy Carter and Helena Bonham-Carter appear.

Episode 15: The Good, The Bad, And The Bloody: The cute med student Lucy Knight rejoins the cast to complete her ER rotation; Morris contemplates going to med school; Injured Mexican children are seen in the ER but Chuny turns them away, shouting racial epithets; Dr. Weaver comes to work drunk; Guest stars Eminem and Governor Mark Sanford appear.

Episode 16: Every Which Way But The Hospital: Neela leaves a surgical sponge and a pair of forceps in a patient, prompting kudos from the staff; Lucy Knight has a hard time adjusting after years of death; Dr. Banfield has a fight with her husband and throws him off the roof; A patient is brought in with a severe case of GOPism; Guest stars Adlai Stevenson and Mary Tyler-Moore appear.

Episode 17: The Iceman Dieth: Dr. Lewis strangles her sister Chloe (well, somebody had to); Dr. Coburn uses excessive force in restraining a baby; Dr. Kayson has a fatal heart attack during a consult, prompting him to exercise; Sam's son Alex is arrested for protesting in Iran; Carter and Morris dance a jig on top of a patient's belly; Guest stars Julia Louis Dreyfus and R2D2 appear.

Episode 18: Do You Know The Way To Kermanshah?: Sam and Carter go to Iran to rescue Alex, who is being trained as a Mullah; Abby sends Sam a care package consisting of syringes loaded with Fentanyl; Sam meets the Ayatollah Khamenei and tries to pull his beard off; Meanwhile the ER staff prepare to notify Sam's next of kin in Iraq; Guest stars The Shah of Iran and Sinbad (not the comedian, he's next week) appear.

Episode 19: Greene Eggs And Sam: Sam and Med student Rachel Greene get locked in Curtain Area 2, where they fall in love; Dr. Weaver has a stroke, forcing her right arm into a Hitler salute; Dr. Banfield, now demoted to intern, resuscitates a patient much to the ire of Morris; Neela amputates the wrong patient's head; Daria and Lucy have a fistfight in the ambulance bay over Gates; Guest stars Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow appear.

Episode 20: With A Scalpel, Darkly - Part I: This two part story arc takes place in a mirror universe, where a caring, clean-shaven and blond Dr. Benton is Chief of Pediatric Surgery, Dr. Ross is the goateed, cutthroat and gay Chief Resident of the ER, and a goateed Carter is planning a hostile takeover of Sector General.
OB nurse Hathaway and Chief of Cardiology Lockhart fight over a patient; Randi plots against Jerry for the Emergency Services Coordinator spot; Neela visits Frank's grave; Psychiatry Resident Dr. Brenner discharges a patient for being mentally ill; Dr. Benton cries because his infant patient has such pretty eyes; New desk clerk Kerry Weaver is dressed down by Chief of Luxury Surgery Dr. Mark Greene; Guest Stars Senator Martin Luther King, Jr and NBC News Chief Jessica Savitch appear.

Episode 21: With A Scalpel, Darkly - Part II: Dr. Ross calls the military police on a poor pregnant woman trying to get medical help; His Excellency H.R.W. Bush makes a visit and personally executes several elderly patients to celebrate ten years as Chancellor; Dr. Lewis poisons her husband Chuck; Dr. Anspaugh poisons Dr. Lewis; The Ministry of Disease Control poisons the entire staff of Sector General; Carter accidentally opens a secret portal within the ER, allowing him to enter our universe; Guest stars Scott Bakula and Jolene Blalock appear.

Episode 22: The Beginning Of The End Of The Beginning Of The End: In this two-hour special, Dr. Greene spontaneously reappears, and gets right to work as attending physician; Dr. Benton and his ex-wife Dr. Cleo Finch return to County to finish their semester; Dr. Morgenstern is appointed the new ER chief; Dr. Romano returns from helicopter hiatus, with a brand new arm and wife and three kids in tow; Dr. Corday returns to County with daughter Ella and tearfully renews her vows with Dr. Greene; Dr. Gant returns to finish his ER rotation; Guest stars Tony Orlando and Dawn, The Captain and Tennille, Robin Williams and The Wizard of Oz appear.

Episode 23: Love Is A Many Spotted Thing: Dr. Greene and Dr. Weaver get locked in Curtain Area 2, from which only Dr. Greene emerges; Carter's tenure has expired, forcing him to grovel to Dr. Benton; Daria meets Sam's son Alex and creepily falls in love with him; Haleh and the nurses take Dr. Anspaugh hostage, demanding more sweets at the admit desk; Guest stars Bruno and Sarah Palin appear.

Episode 24: Happy Ending To You (Series Finale): Carter accidentally opens a secret passageway within the ER, allowing him to escape the carnage; County General Hospital is struck by an iceberg, sending Medicare paperwork into the atmosphere; The doctors and nurses suddenly disappear and it's Morris's job to keep them out; Dr. Banfield gives birth to a healthy white adult male; Local leaders break ground for a massage parlor on the spot where County used to stand; Guest stars Twiggy and Tiny Tim appear.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

Dr. Emesis Kilpatient This character was in the original pilot episode, which was said to be "fully prepared in the sketch". Dr. Kilpatient was to be the Chief Resident, who did a good job and never argued with anyone. As a result, the character was scratched for being "too controversial for network television".

In the episode Scoop and Run, which aired November 23 2006, Maura Tierney did all the stunt work herself, from a real helicopter, against the advice of the director and at considerable risk to herself and the crew. Said Maura, "I'm hoping to get enough experience to start a new sitcom."

In the episode The Storm, part two, Mark Greene eats a microwave burrito from a vending machine. The company that makes this product, West Nile Vending Machine Burrito & Snacky Cakes in Palo Alto, saw their business increase tenfold, to ten (the ones used in the episode).

In the series finale ...And In The End, at the end of the show, viewers are treated to a far shot of County General Hospital, with a patently fake El train rolling dangerously fast around it. The whole shot is fake, as the hospital does not exist. A spokeperson for County General declined comment, saying only "County General Hospital does not condone the use of images of the building's facade. Allowing such use would only embolden the terrorists, namely Dr. Pratt, who I'm sorry to say is no longer with us."

In the first season, real nurses were used while filming, to create a sense of realism. This practice ended after the sixth show, when real traumas were being brought in by ambulance crews.

Keanu Reeves was originally chosen to play Dr. John Carter, but turned down the role citing "the character's excessive flinching, and not enough Kung Fu".

Noah Wyle was offered the title role in "Matrix:Revolutions", but turned it down citing "Not enough reading materials and chest tubes".

Favorite Show Lines[edit | edit source]

Abby: "Haleh, can you give me some four by fours, please?"

Haleh:: "Girl, do I look like a slave to you? Get it your own damn self."

Carol: "Doug, you know you're not supposed to give that baby Ketamine."

Dr. Ross: "It's not for the baby... it's for me."

Maggie: "Oh, look at my head, how it spins around! And look at my hooves!"

Dr. Kovac:" "Better watch out, here comes the chicken noodle soup."

Abby: "That's pea soup, Luka. Pea soup."

Dr. Carter: "Pratt, what part of my instructions did you not understand?"

Dr. Pratt: "You want me to misdiagnose this patient, and send him home?"

Dr. Carter: "Yes, that's what I want. Now do it, or there's the door."

Lucy Knight: "Doctor Carter, I go out of my way to flirt with you, I wear skimpy outfits, and send you love letters.
Why don't you want to go out with me?"

Dr. Carter: "Well, that gaping neck wound is a bit of a deal breaker, in my opinion."

Dr. Greene: "Who are you people? Chuny, let's get those people out of the trauma room, now!"

Chuny: "But Dr. Greene, those are our soundtrack..."

Dr. Greene: "Our what?"

Chuny: "They follow us into the trauma room whenever a patient is brought in, playing jungle music."

Dr. Greene: "Well, have them wait out in chairs."

Fun ER Facts[edit | edit source]

In 2007, Activision and Infinity Ward released the critically acclaimed crossover title Call Of Duty: County General for the PS3, X-Box 360 and PC platforms. Set in the 8th season of the series (2001 - 2002), you play as the ER's Attending Physician Mark Greene in his final days, during his ultimately fatal fight against brain cancer, in a completely re-designed version of County General Hospital. The main objective of the game is to keep the patients alive, and keep up with the other duties expected of you while still making it to the oncology ward on time for chemotherapy, contending with doubtful co-workers over your medical competency, and eventually, the limitations imposed in your own abilities to be a successful doctor. The game ends with Mark flying into the sunset with his daughter, Rachel, to live happily ever after. Or so you're led to believe.

Other than that, nothing is fun about ER. Next...

Ratings[edit | edit source]

This show got ratings. High ratings. Next....

Reference[edit | edit source]

And in this section, we refer you to the top of the page, thusly....

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm undressing? Go back to the article!
  2. Blood Alcohol Level for you noobs. Do I have to explain everything?

Tailpiece[edit | edit source]

And don't call me Shirley.