Tiny Tim (musician)
- This article is about the dude. For the character from the Christmas Carol, see Emo.
Tiny Tim (née Miniscule Timothy Khaury), (April 12, 1932 – November 30, 1996), born in Manhattan, was an American singer and Jewish professional wrestler the latter part of the 20th century. He was most famous for his rendition of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" sung in a distinctive high falsetto/vibrato voice before breaking a ukulele over an opponent's head.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Tiny Tim was born to parents in the tiny hamlet of Manhattan, in the country of New York. The window of Tim’s tiny apartment overlooked the decrepit and seedy Tin Pan Alley, which was to have major consequences on Tim’s life. Tim spent all of his time listening to the alley’s denizens and their bizarre feral calls and chants. This greatly influenced his formative years. Aside from his odd obsession with the strange creatures who lived below his window, Tiny Tim was a largely unremarkable child in every way. His parents did not even realize they had a son until he was age 14, when he came out of his room one day and asked when dinner would be ready.
The Meteoric Rise of Tiny Tim[edit | edit source]
Tim first achieved fame when by happenstance he spent time in Hawaii while in the merchant marine. There, he discovered the ukulele in a tacky tourist souvenir shop, and found it was the perfect instrument to recreate the primitive sounds of Tin Pan Alley that he listened to as a boy. Tim returned to the United States and quickly became the most important person in music, amassing riches beyond anyone’s wildest dreams, releasing hit record after hit record, and appearing on all the important television programs of the time. Tim was also romantically linked with all the most desirable and attractive women of the day, including Mia Farrow, Cass Elliot, Raquel Welch, Sophia Loren, and Marilyn Monroe, even though she had been dead for six years.
The Meteoric Fall of Tiny Tim[edit | edit source]
It was all over within a week. It was soon discovered that Tim’s signature song, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips,” had the power to summon immortal demons who would wreak havoc on an unsuspecting populace.[1] The city of Dayton, Ohio was turned from a gleaming metropolis to an industrial wasteland, and countless tens of lives were destroyed. As punishment, Tim was sentenced to “Gulag” by the Honorable Judge Auntie Entity, and was exiled to the backwater wastelands for his crimes. Tim's recordings were banned under the auspices of the U.S. Constitution and were ordered destroyed by Emperor Richard Nixon. His wealth was confiscated by the federal government to support The Apollo Program. Tiny Tim was gone, never to be seen or heard from again.
The Exile Years[edit | edit source]
Not much is known about Tiny Tim during his early years in exile. There are rumors that he attempted to reinvent himself as a birthday clown in 1987, to disastrous results. These rumors are unfounded.[2]
In 1988, Tiny Tim was still lost in the wastelands, wandering aimlessly. On Christmas Eve, he decided to kill himself by jumping into a river. At that moment, Jesus appeared to save Tiny Tim by jumping into the water first. Seeing Jesus disappear under the water, Tiny Tim dove in and found Jesus.
After Tiny Tim found Jesus at the bottom of the river, it was revealed to Tiny Tim what the world would have been like if he had never been born. Nothing was different, except that Dayton was still a gleaming metropolis that had not been turned into an industrial wasteland by an immortal being of doom. This reinvigorated Tiny Tim and he pledged to Jesus that he would devote the rest of his life to righting the wrongs of the outlands, helping holdout groups of survivors fend off marauding bands of crazed S/M bikers and deliver feral orphaned children to civilization.
Though Tiny Tim found success in these endeavors, he also found that they didn’t pay very well. Tim emerged from the outlands a new man, albeit a hopelessly broke one.
The Re-meteoric Re-rise of Tiny Tim[edit | edit source]
Tiny Tim enjoyed a brief resurgence of fame in 1993. In July of that year, he made a surprise appearance on WWF Television. Tim was panhandling outside of the arena, playing his ukulele for spare change. Tim’s time in the outlands, helping those in need fend off the forces of evil, changed him from a pale scrawny young lad to a tan, toned, rugged hunk of a man with long black hair. Security mistook him for WWF wrestler Razor Ramone and escorted him into the arena to appear as a surprise guest on an interview segment with Jerry Lawler. A confused and befuddled Lawler, who was expecting a half-naked woman half his age,[3] smashed Tim’s ukulele in anger.
Tim, in a blind rage after seeing his last worldly possession destroyed, attacked Lawler, eventually beating Lawler into submission with a flower pot. This began a six month feud between the two. Tim developed an “evil gardener” gimmick, appearing in the ring in tight leotards trimmed to look like overalls, revealing his bronzed pectoral muscles. Tim would strike fear into his opponents by emitting blood-curdling falsetto screams, which on one occasion caused Triple H to wet his pants.[4] He also brought with him to the ring various gardening implements and the same pot of tulips that he used on Lawler in his first appearance. He was usually accompanied by his valet, Miss Vicki, who came to the ring in a wedding dress. Miss Vicki would often interfere in Tim’s matches by lifting the wedding dress to reveal skimpy lingerie, distracting Tim's opponent and allowing Tim to cheat his way to victory. Time and time again, Lawler attempted to challenge Tim, but Miss Vicki’s show would inevitably arouse Lawler to the point where he would retreat backstage in order to masturbate. Tim would then flee the arena, averting disaster for another week.
Lawler was eventually able to turn the tables on Tim by seducing Miss Vicki with his dirty-old-man sex appeal, causing her to turn on Tim and set up the culmination of their feud in December 1993. Tim and Lawler participated in the first “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” match. The match could only be won by placing one’s bare foot in between the two lips of their fallen opponent. After a brutal match of much bloodletting, including the deaths of two audience members due to a wayward hedge trimmer, Miss Vicki entered the ring to taunt Tim at Lawler’s behest. Lawler snuck up behind with a garden hoe when Miss Vicki lifted her dress, revealing a thong with large polka-dots. Lawler became aroused and started to carry on like a giddy schoolgirl. Miss Vicky then turned on Lawler, warning Tim of the stalking Lawler. Tim turned around and grabbed the hoe and whacked Lawler’s engorged manhood, nearly severing it in the process. Miss Vicky then got the flower pot for Tim so he could finish off Lawler. But before handing the pot to Tim, Miss Vicki kicked Tim in the groin, sending him reeling to the canvas. The double swerve was complete. Miss Vicky gave the pot to Lawler who then smashed it over Tim’s head, knocking Tim unconscious. Lawler then stuffed his sweaty disgusting foot into the unconscious Tim’s mouth for the victory.[5]
The Re-meteoric Re-fall of Tiny Tim[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, Tim's resurgence in fame also turned out to be his demise. He contracted a rare fungal infection from Lawler’s dirty feet. Tiny Tim never wrestled again, and suffered a slow, painful, downhill decline. Tim eventually succumbed to the disease and died in penniless obscurity three years later.
Tiny Tim's Trademark Attributes[edit | edit source]
- Wielded a small toy ukulele.
- Emitted high-pitched screams when attacking or being attacked.
- In wrestling, his finishing move was the "pothead," whereby Tim clobbered his opponent with a flowerpot filled with tulips.
- As a hobby, grew prize-winning tulips at his multi-million dollar estate.
- After defeating each opponent, asked in a humble voice, quote, "Would you like some more?"
Top 10 Singles[edit | edit source]
- Tiptoe Through the Tulips (1968)
- Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight (1968) - ripped off by some stoner undersea Porifera
- Hello, Goodbye (1968) - ripped off by some stoner Oasis tribute band from England
- Mrs. Robinson (1968) - ripped off by some stoner folkies from New York
See also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Rare footage of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" summoning an ungodly creature of death and destruction.
- ↑ Supposed footage of Tiny Tim as a birthday clown. This footage is believed to be a hoax perpetrated by the CIA to further besmirch the legend of Tiny Tim. WARNING: Contains content more disturbing than any of his hit records and should not be viewed by anyone.
- ↑ Lawler's WWF contract at the time called for him to be supplied each week with a young woman of at least half his age dressed in scant clothing. This was to satisfy his fetish for giggling uncontrollably and uttering the words "bra and panties" repeatedly until he passed out from lack of oxygen.
- ↑ Tim often referred to this event as the highlight of his career.
- ↑ This match is notable in being the first match ever booked by WWF employee and future head script writer Vince Russo.
