Bret Hart
Butt "The Shitman" Fart is known as the self proclaimed "succulent of seduction" in the homosexual world of professional thumb wrestling. However, it is best to not speak of Bret's homosexual nature around him, as he is a classic closet case, and is a crack shot sharp shooter with his sniper rifle. He's been known to have blown away 23 men, and blown 153 of them.
“Bret Screwed Bret”
“I Screwed Bret”
“Bert Screwed Ernie”
“Bret is the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”
“Excellence of execution? He never killed anyone, that just proves wrestling's fucking fake as”
“There is not nearly enough quotes here by the best there is, best there was...OWWW”
Farm Boy On Tattooine[edit | edit source]
Bret was born in Calgary, Alberta Canada to a feral bull named Helen and a former cattle herder and part time window washer named Stew Piddold Fart, who got on the wagon one night and raped all the farm animals of the ranch resulting in Stew having over 900 offspring. Many of them would die young, or be sacrificed for thanksgiving dinners, so only 783 survive to this day. Bret and Owen where about the only two he (Stew) could ever remember the names of, and the rest of them where not worth a damn. Mainly he remembered Bret because as long as he has been alive, he has been complaining about something; like the time he was 18 months old and protested against his mother for not providing the left breast as a follow up supplement when he dried out the right sided one... which proves Bret will complain about anything, because anyone who has seen his mothers saggy ole' monkey-tits wouldn't want to taste the sour supply of fermented all natural Cow Gal chunky tit-snot... oh and Stew remembers Owen due to him dressing as Superman and falling off the roof of a stadium to his death. Stew responded to the fall with; "That's my Owen! Always willing to do what it takes to make a name for himself"
Bret wanted to follow in his fathers footsteps, and rape the whole family, but instead ended up being a disappointment to Stew Piddold Fart, by becoming a professional thumb-wrestler instead of Master of the "Struggle cuddle". Being a pro thumb-wrestler, as apposed to an amateur thumb wrestler, means that the pro-league is fake and choreographed. Stew frowned upon his son, but not for the reason he became a thumb-wrestler, but for being so whiny all the time and complaining about everyone and everything. Stew really could not stand that instead of being a pillaging raping beast, like the rest of the heard, Bret would just moan about the farm, whining that every time he tried to rape the cattle like a good boy, someone would screw him over and prevent him from succeeding.
Thumb Wrestling Career[edit | edit source]
Bret joined the WWF back sometime ago when nightclubs where still called discos, along with his cousin that his sister married, Jim "The Yes I Want Anal Tonight" Fart. They where a popular WWF fag-team known as the Fart Foundation. They where also managed by their manager/nanny/granny with the hairy fanny, Jimmy "Cum In My Mouth, Or Deep Down South" Fart. The Fart Foundation would capture the fag-team titles 4 times in classic battles against other champion fag-teams, such as "EMOlition", "The Killer Bee Gees","The Bonaparte Foundation" , "The Rocker Fuckers" & "Donnie & Marie Osmond". But soon Bret would start moaning about wanting to show his skills in singles competition, so the fag-team went their separate ways. Bret set his hitman sites to cum on one competitions to earn his cum-shot with the big boys.
Intercuntamental Champion[edit | edit source]
Bret, now separated from his cousin, started in WWF men's single's dating. Bret first started going after the current intercuntamental champion just after he won the King Of The Rims contest in 1994 when he beat Jerky "The Burger King" Lawyer in the final round, but had his title reversed after he refused to let go of the submission move he had on Burger King after the bell had sounded to signify Bret had won the match. Bret gave the Burger King a nasty sharp Chinese Burn, a most painful submission move, and due to not letting go of the hold, the referee had to reverse his decision and award Jerky the winner of the 1994 King Of The Rim Jobs champion. In traditional Bret style, he whined and complained about this for the next year, until a new rivalry was started between him and another wrestler that Bret could set all his focus on whining about.
Bret would now face the champion of the I.C belt (Intercuntamental Championship), Shawn Michael's. The two would indulge in many classic and epic battles, such as the famous night when Bret and Shawn squared off one-on-one for over 60 minutes in an ironing contest. Even tho Bret's shirts where folded much neater and had very few, if any wrinkles, it was the Fart Break Kid that prevailed in the end. Hawny Shawny (same opponent) was victorious in maintaining the I.C belt from Bret which, as you would know it, Bret complained about for the next 10 weeks straight. He would then win the title 3 months later when HBGay lost it to "Double-Gay" Jeff Faggot and Bret issued the current champion to a night in the sack! Which Bret won!! Double-Gay submitted to Bret's whining about Jeff not putting the toilet seat back down when he was finished back stage. Jeff just couldn't take it any more and gave in, allowing Bret to pin his thumb down for the 3 count. Bret would then lose the title to Bret's half brother/half sister/Half a tonne of steroid injected brother in law, "The British Bullsprog" Davey Girl Shit-Hart-Blow-A-Fart-Apart. The two would have a great battle at ThumberSlam where they showcased some classic thumb wrestling techniques for all of England to fall asleep to. Of coarse, the end result of the match resulted in typical Fart fashion as Bret continuously complained The Bullsprog cheated by having nails not cut to WWF regulation size... and a guy in the audience called Bret a "poop head" which hurt Bret's feeling immensely.
Pink & Rainbow Champion[edit | edit source]
Bret was now chosen to compete in the heavy-weight world champion stables. Basically all the huge and heavier guys had been bought by rival company WCW, so the intercontinental championship was replaced with the world heavy weight title because there was no division of wrestlers left to compete for it. And the I.C belt would be thrown to the other lower half carders of the WWF roster, which Bret for once did not complain about.
Bret's first challenge in his quest for the golden title was to take on 8000 pound, undefeated, sumo star and porno champion, E.Honda, later known as Fat Bastard. Honda was a wrestler brought in from Japan as the largest attempt to have the WWF fans hate another country now that the Russian and German wars had ended. Bret started the biggest challenge of his life, when he first thumb wrestled Honda at WrestleFakia for the title. Unfortunately Bret would lose that match when Honda's manager, Yoko Ono would take a piece of candy out of his pocket when the referees back was turned, and when Honda smelled it, he ran like mad to get the candy bar, crushing Bret in the process. Bret would then succumb to a deadly fart dropped by Honda, and lost the match. Then Hulk Hogan came out, slammed Honda, and stole the rest of the candy, then Hogan celebrated for 9 hours flexing and posing for the crowed. Bret still complains about Hulk's victory to this day.
Bret then had a rematch with Honda a year later at the next Wrestlfakia where Honda had regained the title. Bret first lost a match that night to his brother Owen, then would had a title shot against Honda, in which Bret may not have been victorious over Owen, he did defeat and capture the title from Honda that night to win the championship. This then enraged his brother, Owen, causing the two to become arch enemies, but Bret never lost the title to Owen, as Owen may have hated Bret with a passion, Owen would always hold back, as he would never hear the end of his brother bitching about it if Owen whooped Bret's ass for the title.
The Fart Foundation[edit | edit source]
When Bret first joined the WWF, he and his inbred cousin Jim "The Rim Pleasure" Blind-Fart where known as the first members of the Fart Foundation as a fag-team duo with there manager Jimmy "Mouth or Down South, Either Way Is Good" Hart. The original Fart Foundation would be one of the greatest duo in professional thumb wrestling. Bret was the small puny little weakling of the two, but had his technical skills, and rifle, where as Jim was the powerhouse with his long luscious goatee. The duo would capture the fag-team titles over 1 time in there 8 year run.
The duo would split up, and Bret would focus on singles competition, while Jim went to audition as a second guitarist for industrial metal band, ZZ Top. However when Jim failed the audition, he returned to the WWF and joined up with Bret's younger and more talented brother Own. That duo became the new Fart Foundation and would rival with Bret because that's the way it was scripted in those days. This really pissed off Jim, as Bret couldn't even grow bum fluff on his chin if he tried. But the bigger feud would be between Bret and Owen over Owen saying enough is enough of Bret's constant pissing and moaning about everything all the time.
A few years later another faction would be needed to compete against "D-seXed", and "The Nation Of Masturbation" to help with the Monday Night Wars ratings. So all became good with Bret, Owen & Jim overnight, and they reformed the Fart Foundation as a faction and also included there cousin that married there sister then divorced her for there brother, but was now just there aunt's boy-toy, "The British Bullsprog" Davey Boy Shits-Fart and also there long time goat milker from the farm, "Brian Jizzman" - The group would become one of the most hated factions of all time with there antics against America, and how America was just a toilet bowl for not accepting inbreeding as a way of life. However, when they crossed the border to there home in Canada, they where the most beloved faction of all time, as being back with all the other inbreeds, it was impossible for Canada to hate them. It was the first time something like this had ever happened in the WWF, tho it had happened a billion times in every other promotion.
- Correction - The Fart Foundation where the most hated group all over America, except for Arkansas and West Virgina where inbreeding is a law that must be followed.
The Fart Foundation would become a strong force in the WWF. Even today there odor is still smelt blowing in the wind of many arenas they stunk out in there time together. The group would however dismantle in time, as Bret was found to have slept with Bret, and Owen and Brian would disown there brother for sleeping with someone outside of the family. Jim, Jimmy & Davey however followed Bret to the WCW, and like many who jumped ship from the WWF to WCW, that was the last anyone ever heard from them.
Bret Screws Bret[edit | edit source]
It was one of the biggest controversies in history of professional thumb wrestling entertainment. The WWF was shocked to find a gay porn video had been leaked onto the internet of Bret engaging in homosexual activities with Bret Michael's. Vince McMahon was shocked to see his 17 year long love affair with Bret Fart go down the drain over night as Bret Fart laid with another man. Vince was in tears, and had no choice but to divorce from Bret. A shook up and still heartbroken Vince would go onto to report, "I have no sympathy for Bret anymore, I can not love a man who would cheat on me and break my heart, I cant believe that Bret screwed Bret".
Winging Complaining Whining (WCW)[edit | edit source]
Bret joined the WCW the very next night after being fired from the WWF as there was no place better to release his winging and whining trademarks. Bret would appear on an episode of Nitro and the fans erupted with applause and delight that the Shitman was now in WCW. However, after that night, no one saw or heard from Bret again, well, they did, but they didn't care, not until his brother Owen died, and as a tribute to Owen, Bret had a match against nobody. They wrestled one of the self proclaimed all-time greatest wrestling matches in WCW history, however it is speculated that it was one of the only watched matches in WCW history.
Bret would remain with the WCW until nearing it's final days, when Bret was kicked in the head by WCW Hollywood Squares Champion, Whoopi Goldberg. The effect of that kick gave Bret a concussion, that lead to a stroke, that lead to a Hart attack, that lead to a shoot interview, that led to Bret's divorce, that led to Bill Clinton being impeached, that led to the Beatles breaking up, that led to higher interest rates, and eventually the end of the world. Luckily it all happened in WCW so no one ever saw it, so therefor it had no effect on the real world. How do we know this? we're the internet, DUH.
Life After Screwing Bret[edit | edit source]
Bret was forced to retire from Wrestling after all of the previous things that happened to him. Bret said in a shoot interview, "I really wish I stayed in the WWF. When I complained, people would be around to hear it, and the thing i regret the most is Bill Clinton was impeached"
Bret spends his days now back on the farm in Calgary trying to rape all the cattle, in hopes he can one day rape all the farm and make his daddy proud. So far he has not been successful in accomplishing this, and complains about it to anyone who will listen.
Bret also has an auto-biography he has written called "How To Complain For Dummies" but keeps complaining to the publishers that they are screwing him over, so it is yet to be released.
In 2010 the WWE where so desperate for ratings that they needed the best guest hosts they could afford. After the WWE was declined by such names as The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, Carrot Top & Paul Shaffer the finally settled on Bret to come back and guest host raw. It was the first time Bret had been seen on WWE tv in about 6 months, but that didn't stop them from claiming on air it was 12 years since he'd been around. Bret lifted the rating by .00001 percent that night... however that could have been due to the fact that the only other thing on TV at that exact moment in time was Aerobics Fitness Today with Jessica Lansbury. The WWE and Bret Hart then went on to annoy pretty much any wrestling fan who ever watches Raw by having him pop up at 'totally unexpected' times whenever Vince McMahon would get in the ring with John 'Butthole' Cena and go to talk a lot about being 'old and shit'. Oh, and not to mention the fact that WWE's Creative Staff have lost all creativity and keep on recycling the same old home video of Vince screwing Bret 12 years ago every goddamn week on Raw.
Championships and accomplishments[edit | edit source]
- Winging Complaining Whining
- WCW Complaints Heavyweight Champioship (3 times)
- World Wrestling Federation / World Wrestling Entertainment
- WWF Heavyweight Complaints Champion (160 times)
- WWF Intercuntinental Champion (3 times)
- WWF Fag-Team Champion (2 times) - with Jim Night Fart
- WWF Queen Of The Rimjobs (1992)
- WWF Royal Fumble (1994)
- WWE Hall of Shame (Class of 2006)
- WWE All-time record holder for most time's screwed over in a single career.
- WWE dicksucker of the year...... oh wait, he hasnt lost since 1988!
- Other titles
- EMO Winging Whining Championship (1,345 times - record holder)
Related Articles[edit | edit source]
- WWE
- Crybaby
- EMO
- Gay bomb
- Complainers
- Poison
- Alice Cooper
- Homosexuality in the Philippines
- Knight Rider
- Fuck fucking fucked fucker fucking fuckups fuck fucking fucked fucking fuckup fucking fucker's fuck
- Screwed
External links[edit | edit source]
- Bret Hart fears El Dandy
- Effects of Bret Hart's head injury takes its toll
- Rowdy Roddy Piper recalls stories of Bret Hart's childhood
