A.J. Styles

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date of birth: June 2, 1978
place of birth: California
nationality: American
occupation(s): Spiderman


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about A.J. Styles.

Allen Neal Jones (born June 2, 1977), better known by his ring name A.J. Styles is an American professional wrestler and one of the biggest blimps created in the North American hemisphere. His coming to existence is very much disputed, as many consider his arrival a hoax and a publicity stunt by WalMart. However, there are many Californians who claim they once witnessed George Bush creating Styles out of paper and a piece of fungi. Styles, however, is no longer considered a blimp anymore due to newly imposed height and weight limits that forbid him from the so called "heavyweight" division of blimps.

Her Arrival[edit]

As said before, nearly everyone believes Styles was a mass mutant from the planet MutSot, invading Earth to eat black people. Once arriving, Styles was kidnapped by a peanut and held hostage at gunpoint. The cops followed the peanut in a high dragged out contest known as "The Peanut's Revenge". Fortunately, Styles was only shot massive times in the face and died from unrelenting pain and butt spasms. After dying, came to his aid and placed him in a white man's body, affectionately named Simon.

Professional wrestling career[edit]

Simon 2.0[edit]

As Simon, Styles became very adventurous and even shot the president multiple times. After serving 90 years in prison, he was released and began looking for a hobby. He longed to sail the Durdumed Sea, but unfortunately, he was a moron. Styles sought the help of wise wizards called "The Gainsvilles" to aid his search for true meaning and chicks. The Gainsvilles apparently told Styles very affectionate words, such as

Generation Next[edit]

Styles became very depressed and soon joined a bunch of other depressed assholes to form Ropes On Heads, known as ROH. He along with Samoa Ho and Christopher Bently became sinonmous with trying to kill each other and their audiences in mass suicides. They were unsuccessful, so they joined The New Age, known as TNA. There Styles became known for sucking the souls out of others to strengthen his brain. The only way to regenerate the souls was for Styles to kill himself doing jumps off tin cans. The jumps would take too long, so Styles enlisted the help of others, but they were too gay and untalented.

Total Nonstop Action Snooker[edit]

In TNA, Styles became famous for jumping off buildings trying to land on others. Unfortunately, he was too small to cause damage on others, so he instead tried to eat them. Styles was unsuccessful and by 2093 he was released from his contract. Styles wandered the world spreading wisdom and STDs, but he would never be forgotten(especially with the ones who got the STDs) Now, Styles lives in Wisconsin raising apple trees that explode when looked at.

TNA re-signed Styles in 2093 1/2 after TNA's ratings plummeted the minute he left. AJ the won every title ever in a week and beat Kurt Angle to death in a "winner gets training from Chuck Norris" match. AJ and Norris then won the TNA tag Titles. They now plan to take over the world.

AJ "The Jet Plane" Styles[edit]

In 2053, a year after the WWE purchased TNA, AJ was one of the many X-Division stars to receive a crappy gimmick following the company's desire to give the X-Division characters. The company decided to give AJ the gimmick of AJ "The Jet Plane" Styles (a gimmick based on the almost unknown children's TV show "Jay Jay The Jet Plane}. AJ was totally against the gimmick because he felt (rightfully so) that the gimmick was totally childish and wouldn't get him over. Of course the company didn't care about his wishes and AJ was forced to take on the gimmick. AJ was forced to wear a blue plane suit, a propeller on his nose, and was forced to act like a jet plane (you know with the sounds and putting his arms staight at his sides while running. It was for the added affect). Needless to say, the audience totally buried the crap outta this gimmick as AJ was portrayed as a child's morning show on PBS and was trying to be a good role model to kids. Eventually the audience became so angry with this gimmick, they began to riot every time AJ came to the ring. AJ was soon given bodyguards (all dressed in plane suits to try and not break kayfabe) to escort him in and out of the ring to prevent him from getting attacked by the audience.

In 2076 3/47, Styles had had enough of his crappy gimmick, and killed Vince.....Russo, with an arc wielder. In an interview, he stated that, "Maybe if i kill Russo, I'll be able to drop this gimmick!" And it worked. The entire world thanked AJ for finally killing Vince Russo, and treated his as if he was a god. (5 movies, 3 short films, 45 comic books, 38 Happy meal toys, and 5 billion reality shows were made based on AJ's Murdering of Russo) WWE decided to play along with it, and gave AJ the new gimmick of AJ "The Killa" Styles. This gimmick had him walk to the ring carrying Vince Russo's severed head and killing his opponents after each match with an arc wielder. The Crowd loves it, and the AJ Styles Arc Wielder has now sold over 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 units.

Championships and accomplishments[edit]

  • Total Nonstop Action Snooker
    • NWA World Heavyweight Championship (3 times)
    • NWA World Tag Team Championship (2 times) – Christopher Daniels and Vince Ruuso
    • TNA X Division Championship (6 times)
    • TNA Ultimate Quad-Crown Supreme-Pizza OMFGBBQ (with a side of fries) Championship (7 times)
    • First TNA Triple Five Person Ultimate Champion of Champions
    • A win-loss-draw record of (9328419924192-7-Pizza)
    • Won the first 1000 man/1000 weapons steel cage match at Bound for Glory '09
    • He killed Vince Russo!
    • He fucked Dixie Carter. We all saw it, Daniels has proof!