Jean Claude Vanne Pepi Le Pew Hunter Hurts Like Hellmsley is the man better known to red-necks and mongoloids as Triple-H aka: Nipple-H & Preparation-H. For this article we will refer to him as The Lame Game or "H" because we can't be fucked writing out names longer then it takes for "H" to fuck up someone else's career by looking like they could be a bigger star then him. "H" was born in France, which explains his ego and bad breath. He is a famous WWE champion who married the boss's daughter so he could get over in the company and win a championship. He is also a founding member of the popular WWF/E faction D-Sexed, a group of neutered misfits who enjoy painting
N.W.O D-Sexed over people and objects with a can of black green spray paint.
- 1 Viva Le France Ehh La Pewww Stinka
- 2 Humping Hippy Hellmsley
- 3 Signature Moves
Viva Le France Ehh La Pewww Stinka
H was dropped into the world in 1954. He was conceived out of a loaf someone pinched off into a toilet, and didn't realize they had given birth, probably most likely because H looked like the other turds in the bowl. H was then flushed down the toilet and found a few hours later by a passing circus who was amazed to find a matter of faeces crying out loudly. They adopted him and he grew up in the "Pedigree Circus of Freaks" which later became known as "Jean Claude Hunter Hellmsley and the Supporting Cast of Freaks". At the age of 7 "H" married the owner's son to get a better ranking in the circus, which meant that when the owner died in mysterious circumstances, "H" took over the whole production.
"H" made a name for himself with the circus, but he decided he wanted to be something bigger. "H" wanted to be the ultimate circus-man, and decided the best circus to work for would be the WWF.
Humping Hippy Hellmsley
"H" left his circus for the dead, not caring what happened to those employed by him in his past, and tried out for the WWF. With "H"'s circus knowledge, he was able to tame the chair-wielding pandas and pin them all for a 3 count. Earning his place inside the WWF, he would become known as Preparation-H. Prep would rise the ranks of the WWF as a mid-card performer showing off a character that was a snob, a prick, a douche, a bastard, a conniving son of a bitch, a politician, a taxidermist and a non-American, everything needed to be a successful heel in the WWF. He soon became the European Champion by defeating Andy Anaconda, but his heights to fame were at moderate to say the best. "H" needed to change his gimmicks and become something more than a posh, upper-class snob, which was soon discovered was not a character he was playing at all, but just being himself.
Bow To The Self Proclaimed Master
In 1996 "H" met an antibiotically incorrect transvestite named Chyna while he was pumping someone down the gym. "H" liked Chyna's ability to bench press 150 pounds of steroids into her dick, so he felt she would be perfect to join the WWF. She was brought in as his bodyguard that he needed not to keep wrestlers off his ass, but to keep his ex-employees from his circus away demanding to know where there redundancy checks where. Soon Chyna and "H" where forced to team up with HBGay Shawn Michaels against the UnderpantsTaker and Mick "Holey Fuck He's Broken In Half" Mankind. The trio would lose by disqualification by ramming a fully grown elephant up the UnderpantsTaker's ass, forcing them to flee when the Taker sat up from a move that would have killed any normal man.
The following week the trio proved they could work well when they started mocking kids in the school yard and calling them names like "Poopie Head" and "Bum-Bum Face". They decided to try these antics out
on stage in the ring, and mocked the whole WWF by calling owner Vince McMahon "Doodie-Breath" and Sgt. Slaughter "Ugly Head". These actions did not sit well with Mr McMahon and as punishment he took away each of the 3 wrestlers' weekly pocket money and sent them to bed with no supper. Following that incident, the ratings shot through the roof and the fans loved it. So Vince had a change of heart and told the boys and Chyna that they could come out of there rooms and have their 50 cents, that what they did was OK, and that he would encourage them to do more of what they did last week.
This was the birth of D-Sexed. HBGay, Chyna and "H" where on a rampage of mocking everything the industry stood for, taking wrestling to new heights and places they never dreamed of. D-Sexed would come out to a catchy new tune they had written just for them by the Back Street Boys and would cut the music to ask the fans a simple question. "Are You Ready"? followed by, "NO, I SAID, ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" to which the crowd replied dully with "yeah, ok". Hunter would then follow it up with, "Then, for the dozens of people in attendance and the millions tuning out at home, lettttttttttttttttttttttttttttttts get ready to suck itttttttttttttttt!" HBGay would then flop out his penis and everyone in the crowd would come into the ring and suck on HBGays big-bazooka.
This caused outrage with the FCC, saying that sort of talk and profanity was not allowed to be shown on a kids program. So the following week D-Sexed had to just use the catch phrase without anyone sucking any 3 of their penises. This especially upset Chyna as she enjoyed being sucked off a lot.
HBGay and "H" would focus on a couple of titles now. HBGay was focusing on the heavy-weight championship, and "H" wanted the European one back. They each got what they wanted then mocked their opponents with a hurtful chant of "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nahh."
Soon the original D-sexed faction would draw nearer to an end. Wrestlefakie was coming up, and Stone Cold Steve Budweiser was pissed at HBGay for stealing his lunch money. However, "H" had an even bigger and badder opponent named Owen Hart who wanted to take his gold away because "H" mocked his baby sister Bret Hart, calling Bret names like "Cry Baby" and "Sookie-Sookie-La-La". "H" would be triumphant that night, after Chyna freed her ballsack from her zipper, she managed to throw sand in Owens eyes and "H" rolled him up for the victory.
However, that night HBGay's asshole was shattered by Stone Cold, and he was forced to have it sewn up, in a process of mending that left them not knowing if Shawn would ever wrestle again. So the old D-Sexed was now HBGay-less.
When You Fuck An Army, You Fuck Them With Friends
The following night on RAW, "H" made an announcement to the press that though HBGay was no longer a member, he was going to make D-Sexed even better then it was. He first introduced the newest member, Sex-Pac. Sex-Pac had just come from the "We Can't Wrestle" (WCW) where he was a member of the NWO (niggas with octopuses)), years before he had wrestled in the WWF with "H" under the name 1, 2 maybe 3 testicles kid and got the new name from being an X-poof-pac member of the NWO. Later that night they also employed "Fag Ass Billy Bum" & "The Road Bog, Jesse Jane" (The New Age Oral-lovers).
Together this new team of barmy army degenerates took to the WWF mocking every one & everything whatever way they wanted. They used such profane manners to address and mock people like "Cakka Head" and "You Smell Bad" as well as tactics like making referees pull their finger and not tidying their room for a week. D-Sexed were running wild, and no one was going to stop them.
Their most memorable moment came when they mocked the entire nation of Japan. They each dressed like an Asian and took their shoelaces off and said it's a Japanese blind fold. This pissed off the entire nation of Japan and the following week a match was booked for D-sexed VS The Nation Of Japan. To which D-Sexed won due to being in America and no way is a Japanese team going to get over.
Break It Off
D-Sexed would come to halt and separate because "H" had gotten bored and wanted to go onto matches where words could be more harsh like "Crap" and be cool enough to take on Stone Cold for the title. So "H" kicked each member of the D-Sexed fashion in the balls, including Chyna, and went solo. But as a solo performer he sucked and couldn't win on his own. So he soon kissed and made up with Chyna and won his first championship, defeating Austin when Chyna blew him. "H" would have a few more feuds with Austin, and then with the Crock before deciding he wanted to be even bigger then he is. And the only way to do that was to own the company.
"H" introduced himself to Vince McMahon's daughter, Shane. And then forced Shane to marry him. Now legally "H" was part owner of the WWF and could do whatever he wanted. He brought his lovely wife out with him to each match and started what was known as the "Triple-H won't put anyone else over" domination. During this time he would also regroup D-Sexed to keep the still pursuing ex-circus employees off his ass.
The group was back together again, this time wearing high-heels. The group would mock and taunt everyone again and run wild until audiences just did not give a shit anymore and where more interested in Goldust's playboy shoot. "H" fired DX and kicked Shane in the cunt, and announced, "I Am the Lame Game"
The Lame Brain Game
"H" now was completely solo, and would become more pissed off and angry due to his wife not putting out. All of "H"'s built up sexual aggression was being taken out on everyone and he was proving he was a force to be reckon with. He won a few more titles, and then lost them, then won it back etc, but being at the top was lonely, and he needed some company. So he asked D-Sexed to regroup, but they had all been fired 'cause they sucked without "H" leading them. So "H" invited a few people over for tea and crumpets that night and employed a new faction.
"H's dinner guests agreed to become a new faction and keep the ex-circus mob off his ass. The group called themselves the Emolution, and was made up of Dick Cheese Flair, Randy Savage Orten Downy Jnr & Batman. The faction dominated the company for a short period of time before they realized no one was watching wrestling at the time and split up.
The Show Ploppa Returns
HBGay got the all clear to return to wrestling, and the first thing he did was demand a fight with "H". "H" said, "OK" and they went at it for about 2 and a half years. HBGay was pissed that "H" married another man, and was broken hearted about it, so the ex-lovers' tiff lasted a long time in every match known to man.
During this time, the NWO would appear in the WWE and HBGay joined them. HBGay wanted "H" to be part of it, but "H" refused saying, "What the fuck? D-Sexed was a mock of the NWO, why would we join it?". "H" then ran away to another brand and called the NWO a bunch of "dorks" on the way out. Another feud between "H" and "the NWO HBGay" was in the making, but "H" chipped a nail and was out of action for over 2 years during which the NWO fell apart.
The Lame Game Returns
"H" finally returned to action at some PPV that doesn't exist anymore. He then started a feud with Vince McMahon at the same time Vince was feuding with HBGay. It was plainly Vince's dumb idea to piss them both off at the same time that would lead to D-Sexed reuniting. And that they did.
The New & Improved, yet, not really improved, and less members, D-Sexed
Vince employed a bunch of chippendales strippers to break "HBGays"s pinky finger, a move thought to put "H" out of action for good. Then the following week Vince attempted to do this to "H" but was saved when HBGay ran to the ring and together they gave each Chippendale a wedgie and called them naughty names. This led to the reunion of D-sexed, and once again they were back in charge, and in large, or something like that.
D-Sexed would dominate the WWE again and show a whole new generation just what toilet humor is all about. To this day "H" and "HBGay" remain part of D-sexed and happily skip down to the ring together to call people "Doo-Doo-Heads" and such things for a long time to come.
- Pedigree - "H" bends his opponent over like a dog and humps their leg.
- Marrying Daughters - If "H" can get a career boost by marrying into a company somehow, he will.
- Nose Dive - His huge nose takes a dive into his opponent's ass.
- Crotch Chop - "H" points to where his opponent must taste the game.