12 Angry Men
“If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the 12 Angry Men.”
12 Angry Men is the name given by the media to a freelance grand jury of professional wrestlers, also known as the Jury of Fury and the Juggernauts of Justice. They were formed in 1984 as a jury of peers to the infamous Mr. Flair vs. Ric Perfect trial, which due to a series ongoing complications with the case have yet to be dismissed.
| Can You Smell What The Most 12 Angriest Men In Sports Entertainment History Are Cooking? | |||
| Juror #1
Norman O'Potatoes Anger Level: Furious |
Juror #2
The Streaking Sheik Anger Level: Livid |
Juror #3
Rippling "Roger" Runcorn Anger Level: Enraged |
Juror #4
Pork (of 'the Pork N Beans Connection') Anger Level: Extremely Annoyed |
| Juror #5
Glutimus Maximus Anger Level: Disgruntled |
Juror #6
El Platano Loco Anger Level: Mad As All Hell |
Juror #7
The Defenestrator Anger Level: Incensed |
Juror #8
Chest Chestwell Anger Level: Fuming |
| Juror #9
Greaseball Anger Level: Peeved |
Juror #10
Cheeky Chap Anger Level: Irate |
Juror #11
Bean 2 (of 'the Pork N Beans Connection') Anger Level: Borderline Apoplexy |
Juror #12
The Diabetic Demon Anger Level: Very Cross Indeed |
Trial of the Intercontinental Champions[edit | edit source]
Official proceedings of the Mr Flair vs Ric Perfect trial opened at the Madison Square Supreme Court on October 24, 1984. At the stroke of 1pm, the lights went down and with Born to Be Wild blaring over the court's PA system, Ric "The Defendant" Perfect swaggered into the courtroom to a volley of enthusiastic booing from the assembled crowds. After a few minutes of flexing his muscles and whooping at the gathered observers, the lights went down again; this time Mr "The Plaintiff" Flair entered, accompanied by the chorus of Bad To The Bone, his on-again-off-again manager stroke fiancée Missy Deltoids, and another enthusiastic round of booing. The lights went up and down and the music continued while the 12 jurors, the judge, the lawyers and various clerks and officers of the court made their entrances, to the gradually waning excitement of the crowds. It was 6pm by the time everyone was in place, and the presiding Judge, the honorable Dr Knuckles, adjourned court until the following morning.
Court opened at 9am the next day, and after a quick recap of the previous day's entrances on the Jumbotron, the official complaint against The Defendant was read out: The Plaintiff claimed that The Defendant's catchphrase 'Whooooooo!' was simply a thinly veiled appropriation of his own patented 'Whooooooop!'. He further alleged that The Defendant's finishing move "The Rockabilly Steamboat" was simply his own "Testicle Junction" move, with an extra slap clumsily added in. Most of The 12 Angry Ones listened carefully as the evidence was presented to them, though court was adjourned early after Glutimus Maximus suddenly choke slammed Chest Chestwell through the bench.
The reopening of court three days later was delayed for 20 minutes by the unexplained absence of Chest Chestwell. After several loud and vocal aspersions were cast over his wrestling ability and capacity to be a 'rude dude' by the Judge and several members of the Jury, Chest burst through the courtroom doors on a Harley, peeled up to the front bench and, pointing a muscular finger towards Glutimus, declared a motion to 'teach that punk a lesson in manners'. Judge Dr Knuckles overruled the request, explaining that this was not how the judiciary process worked, at which point Chest suplexed him through the witness stand.
The Defendant was finally called to the stand to face the accusations. He denied all charges, explaining that The Plaintiff was merely jealous of his perfect pecs and 24-inch 'pythons'. He then emphasized his point by puffing out his chest and nodding repeatedly at the gallery, blissfully ignoring the hails of abuse that were being fired at him by the patrons gathered there. During the cross-examination, it was suggested by Hurricane Habeus Corpus, lawyer to The Defendant, that the grievance be settled by means of a free-for-all no-holds-barred fight to the finish at next weekend's Halloween of a Hundred Headlocks event. However it was overruled on the grounds that holding a wrestling match would be entirely unprecedented and 'neither the time nor the place' to settle egomaniacal petty differences such as this. Several members of the Jury of Fury displayed their disagreement with this ruling by taking turns to chop each other across the chest and grunting loudly. Court was adjourned without any major destruction for once, although it was later revealed that a group of mysterious assailants pretended to kick and punch Glutimus Maximus into unconsciousness in the locker room after the hearing.
Closing arguments were made, and the jury retired to deliberate the case. However, a punch-up soon broke out following an argument about who was to be the jury foreman. Most of the day was wasted as the 12 Angry Men abandoned discourse and instead elected to beat up on each other with 2-by-4s.
On the 31st of October 1984, The title of 'Undisputed Heavyweight Foreman Of The Jury' was awarded to offensive Irish stereotype Norman O'Potatoes in the main event of the night - a 12 Angry Man Battle Royale. The official inauguration ceremony was started immediately in the ring, with Norman swearing an oath to faithfully uphold his judicial duties, before shotgunning a can of beer, blathering something incomprehensible about the Emerald Isle into the microphone, and pile driving himself to the concrete floor.
A short week later, jury deliberations began anew, with Norman the Foreman (now suspiciously bereft of his Irish name, outfit and accent) overseeing the proceedings. A whole 12 minutes of relatively intelligent debate took place before blows were exchanged, after El Platano Loco accidentally called Rippling "Roger" Runcorn by his real name. In the ensuing melee, Chest Chestwell apparently legitimately annoyed at Glutimus Maximus, hit him with a folding chair so hard that he dislocated his own brain, killing himself instantly. Cheeky Chap also suffered a fatal steroid-induced heart attack shortly after The Defenestrator made good his threat to 'throw him out of court' and ejected him via one of the jury room's bay windows. In an official statement read out the following morning, the Jury was put on hiatus until such time that science is able to bring the two deceased 'Jurors of Furore' back to life.
12 Angry Men in Other Media[edit | edit source]
One of Agatha Christie's most famous mysteries, Dial AAWADW for Aggravated Assault With a Deadly Weapon, is based on the events of November 14. Some even claim the novel is more accurate than the actual events that took place.
A feature film based on the Jury of Fury is also slated for release in 2013, with Russell Crowe rumoured to have been cast as all 12 jury members. The working title for the picture is 12 Utter Twats.
