Road Warriors
The Road Warriors, AKA Legion Of Doom or L.O.D for short, are possibly the most popular WWF/WWE tag-team of all-time! L.O.D was made up of two super-heroes conceived from the anus of Superman, and Lex Luther, after an all-night drunken love affair the two shared in 1963. They named their first offspring Hawk, after Lex asked Superman what they should call the kid, and Superman respond by trying to talk while regurgitating and splurged out the name HOOOOOOAAAAAAWWWWK. The other child, Animal, was named by Lex after how he felt about Superman in the sack.
This brief summer-of-love fling between Sup' and Lex would come to an end soon after Superman discovered, by accident, that he was heterosexual, leaving Lex shattered with a broken heart and vowing revenge on his ex-lover. This left Hawk & Animal to grow up in a broken home, they each turned to beer and steroids to ease the pain, and watched nothing but re-runs of "I Love Lucy", which made them become extremely violent, all by the time they where just 6 years old.
In their teenage years,they where expelled from Sky High School and took up jobs as bouncers for Tom Jones concerts, where they beat up little old ladies who threw their underwear on stage, because Hawk and Animal found old people to be disgusting. Hawk and Animal then beat up Tom Jones for failing to supply them with their daily-dose of steroids and decided the only place where steroids could be obtained like candy was to join the World Wrestling Federation (WWF)
What A RUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH[edit | edit source]
Hawk & Animal arrived in New York City in 1976 and kicked down the office door of Vince McMahon Jnr, demanding they be employed by him, or they would beat him up and rip off his dick, shove it in a blender, then pull his head off to ram the contents down his neck. Vince had no choice but to hire the Road Warriors but it was a decision Vince would never regret as long as he obeyed L.O.D. Vince agreed to pay them whatever they wanted to prevent having his dick ripped off and force fed to him, and would supply them with whatever amount of steroids they needed. Vince set them up under the name of "The Legion Of Doom" and they soon made their WWF Debut in 1990 when they felt like wrestling for the first time, which Vince had no problem with, allowing them to book their own matches when they felt like it.
L.O.D had their first match against Demolition, the current WWF tag-team champions at the time, that where posing as Road Warrior wanna-be's, so Hawk and Animal felt obliged to beat the living piss out of Axed and Smashed, which they did successfully in a first ever "Rip Off Your Opponents Testicles For The Win" match. The match lasted for over three hours as Hawk & Animal let out all their homophobic rage their parents had caused them. Hawk showed he was a high flier in the ring when Animal would hoist Axed up on his shoulders, and Hawk took off from the top ropes and delivered a flying clothesline to Axed that damn near knocked poor Axed's head off. This move was later dubbed as The Doomsday Device because it sounded better then A Flying Clothesline to your opponents head while he's hoisted on Animals shoulders. Hawk & Animal would show just how mean and tough they where by annihilating Demolition to a pulp. The referee disqualified L.O.D for excessive use of using a little old lady they found in the audience and force feeding her to Smashed's elementary canal. L.O.D did not like that decision, and force fed the referee's head into his own ass, before taking the championship belts and becoming the first ever tag-team champions to win by losing, but no one would dare to stand in their way and tell them they where not the champs.
Their reign as champions lasted 11 months. They took on all comers and had all opponents they faced in fear, then leaving the ring afterwards with a shitty taste in their mouths. Hawk & Animal became the most popular tag-team the WWF had ever seen and Vince McMahon made a fortune out of the success. L.O.D would not wrestle opponents, they would just bully them and beat the crap out of them, other tag-teams of the time like The The Killer Bee-Gees, Hercules & Barbra Bearinstien, Mr.T & Mr. Roberts & The Midnight cocksuckers (Marty Jennetty and Shawn Michaels all fell victim to the power of the L.O.D. It wasn't until Hawk chipped a nail against the The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith & That Other Wimp) that they lost the belts that ended their reign as undefeated champions.
L.O.D decided to go beat up a few more tag-teams over the next few months, until a fan asked why they were no longer tag-team champions and Hawk responded by ramming a steel chair up the nine year old's ass. Hawk then felt the need to go beat up the current tag-team champions and was backed up by Animal when they beat the living crap out of The Fart Foundation backstage, taking their place in the ring against the Nasty Boys for the gold. It only took 12 minutes for Hawk to get bored of clobbering Nailz with the ring announcers decapitated lower spine before Hawk pinned Nailz to regain the tag-team championship.
L.O.D would remain champions until the end of 1992 when they received a call from Ted Turner of the WCW claiming his steroids had low-carbohydrates. This was an offer that Hawk & Animal could not refuse, so they stuck the belts up Vince's ass and said they where off to the WCW.
Were The Big Girls Play[edit | edit source]
The Road Warriors found themselves now in the WCW with all new opponents to beat the crap out of, while being paid with Ted Turners low-carb steroids. Hawk & Animal focused on the current WCW tag-team champions, Sting & Lex Luther. In their first match for the title, Lex would gain the win by using a pair of kryptonite-knuckles on the L.O.D showing the world that the Warriors where stoppable. Several more matches between the two teams would take place, but L.O.D could not stop their own father from always coming out victorious. L.O.D never won the gold in WCW, but Jim Corvette spoke with the L.O.D and made a deal with them to come back to the WWF. Corvette explained that winning the WCW titles meant fuck all to anyone, as no one watched WCW at the time anyway, and Vince had developed a low-carb steroid intake that tasted like cherry. So Hawk & Animal agreed to return to the WWF.
Back In The WWF[edit | edit source]
Hawk & Animal returned to the WWF and the first thing they did was beat up the fans and little old ladies in attendance to make them selves feel at home. They where sided with Ahmed Johnson for a brief run because he consumed almost as many steroids as they did, so they where a perfect fit. Ahmed later left the WWF for the WCW being suckered in by the new and improved WCW steroids with a fried chicken taste that Hawk & Animal considered to be barbaric and cannibalistic.
L.O.D continued to beat the crap out of all comers as fan favorites. They adopted a new gimmick where they would toss the severed arms and limbs of opponents into the crowed as souvenirs after their win... or loss.
Focus was set to take on the current tag-team champions The New Age Outlaws (N.A.O) (Billy Bumfuck & Roadsprog Jessey Jane), but Hawk & Animal failed to beat them for the gold because Animal was going through that time-of-the-month and not feeling 100% up to it.
Hawk and Animal decided it was time for a vacation, and to travel the world and see what other countries steroids had to offer. They took a six month absence from the WWF and returned a year later.
L.O.D. 2000[edit | edit source]
When they returned from holiday. Vince gently spoke to them about maybe taking on a manager, Hawk started to fume and was ready to rip off Vince's head for making such a stupid proposition, when Vince introduced them to Sunny (Tammy Lynn Bitch), and Hawks eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw her steroid enhanced breasts. So she was made manager of their steroid intake and ring valet. The team was then dubbed L.O.D. 2000, and dressed slightly different, dawning new make-up and uglier shoulder pads. However the trio soon came to an end when Sunny refused to inject steroids into her clitoris to have a fair advantage of taking on fellow diva Chyna.
Hawk's health began to decrease at this time, due to a bad batch of steroids and eating a 4 week old Big Mac he bullied away from a 10 year old child in the front row. He began to show signs of ill health in matches and became so bad that he climbed the Titantron (the WWF projector screen) and jumped off it thinking he could fly like a real hawk. The idiot nearly killed himself, but it was felt that to insure L.O.D. 2000 where not disqualified for Hawks dieing brain-cells, they did the only thing they could do and took on an official third member, by the name of Droz. Droz was dubbed the name Puke and became the newest member of L.O.D. since Ahmed Johnson.
For a brief time Puke and Animal would beat up opponents, while Hawk recovered from his food-poising, so it would not interfere with his steroid intake, and would soon return to action along side his fellow taggers. Hawk & Animal started tagging more together and leaving Droz out, and Droz asked if he could take one of their places for an up-coming event, to which Hawk replied by ramming a little old lady up Droz's ass and leaving him crippled for life. So now the L.O.D. was back to the original two members once again.
Animal and Hawk then where not seen on WWF television again. They pitched an idea to expand the L.O.D by adding The Warlord to the group, bring back Ahmed Johnson and add Chyna fir more mucsle and also take on The Ultimate Warrior as their valet and ride little girls bikes with streamers coming off the handle bars, which Vince liked the sound of, but the warriors decided to just sit around and eat steroids and beat up little old ladies in the privacy of their own home instead. Which was actually Vince's home. This was due to Hawk realizing that being called L.O.D. 2000 in 1999 was a dumb idea, and decided they should wait it out until the year 2000.
WWE Road Warriors[edit | edit source]
Being that the Road Warriors where not all that bright, they over shot their mark by three and a half years, returning to Raw in 2003. They proceeded to beat up the referee and kick good ole JR in the flaps, before beating up their opponents of the night, Kane and Jean-Claude Van Damme. After the match they decided to just sit around and wait for an actual tag-team division to start up again in the WWE.
Hawk would wait so long for this to happen that he died of old age.
The New Warriors[edit | edit source]
Animal was left without a partner, and bored audiences in his one-on-one matches, when he would beat the shit out of someone, then hoist them on his shoulders, and there was no one to break their neck with a flying clothesline. So it was decided to find a replacement for the deceased Hawk, so Animal could have someone to knock the guy on his shoulders off. Animal put an advertisement in the local paper stating a steroid junkie is required for a popular tag-team. Soon enough a man by the name of Jon Heidenreich answered the call. Jon and Animal soon made their debut as the New Road Warriors. The patriarch former Nazi Jfit right in, as the two steroid muscle men beat the piss right out of their opponents, and took the tag-team championship gold home that night. The duo would have a good run but soon clashed when Animal said his name should be changed to Rhino Testicles, but the name was already copyrighted by the ECW. A decent name for Jon could not be thought of, so Animal, in honor of Hawk, rammed a camera up Jon's ass with the camera man still fully attached.
Animal couldn't find a decent partner after that, so he headed to Japan where he heard they had steroids that taste like sweet and sour pork.
The Hell Warriors[edit | edit source]
Animal joined the All Japan Pro Wrestling company in 2007. Even tho he is an American, none of the little Asian men have the testicular fortitude to tell him the AJPW is for Japanese citizens only. He teamed up with a Japanese steroid abuser named Mr. Miagi, and the two clicked succesfully in beating the living crap out of all of the oriental tag-teams and defensless old O Bachan's in classic Road warrior anal insertion ways.
Ultimate Warriors[edit | edit source]
In 2009, the Ultimate Warrior tried to lure the Animal to his new promotion, starring himself & Animal as the Ultimate Road Warriors, in a deal that would involve new genetically enhanced steroids that taste like semen. Animal told The Ultimate Warrior that he was a fucking dumbass looking little girls bike on steriods looking pig fucker, as Vince McMahon already invented that flavor in 1985. Animal then reached into the phone and ripped off the Ultimate Warriors testicles before shoving a little old lady and 12 referees up Warriors ass killing him instantly.
Animal was put down in 2020 due to complications with fleas and ticks, caused by not washing his hands after a run-in with a little old lady he shoved up someones ass, that was blind and couldn't see her seeing-eye-dog, that Animal had rammed up her ass beforehand, was badly infested.
