The Undertaker
“My Underpants Taker will clean your dark side”
“Rest... In... PEACE, MAN \/,”
“Taker is the only man alive that will face more wrestlers taking a dive to him then even me”
The Underpantstaker
Mark Eugene Tackleberry - "The Undertaker", or better known as The "Underpants Taker", "Phantom Of The Opera", "Phenomena Enema", "Man Form The Dark Side Of The Force", The "American Jackass", and "Bubbles" (March 24,1666 - March 24, 1965) is greatest professional wrestler of all time that has no wrestling ability what-so-ever. He is up there in that category with the likes of legends such as the Dynamite Kid, Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, and Gary Coleman- UnderpantsTaker was also known all around the world for his character of Tackleberry in the Police Academy series before moving onto a career in the sports of professional wrestling. Another famous match of his was against The Great Khapoop.
Acting Career
Police Academy 1 to 34, except part 12
Mark first made his appearance in the beloved series of Police Academy playing the overzealous and quirky role of Eugene Tackleberry. He enjoyed working with his co-stars so much that he signed on to make all 43 sequels, he was known on the set as the lovable Lariken "Tack" and was notorious for pulling pranks on G.W.Baily. Baily recalls to this day the hilarious story of when Tack went and knocked up G.W's wife, G.W would laugh and say, "What a kidder that guy was, you have to love him". Unfortunately Tack would pass away in his sleep during the filming of Police Academy 34. Tack died of a massive heart attack. And the world was saddened to lose such a lovable character.
Wrestling Career
Corporate Puppet
WWF owner Vince McMahon was looking to bring in a new character that wrestling audiences would be turned on by. He had the idea for a dead man, and decided the only way to pull that off was to eat dominos every day and use an actual dead man that they could insert puppetry strings and modern technologically advanced robotics into that he could trust as a champion in his company while not having to pay a cent to. It's said that Vince came up with the idea to do this after a weekend long acid trip in the Bahamas and he was inspired by the movies, "Weekend At Bernies" and "Robocop"
Tacks body was purchased at auction by the Vince (WWF) and his advanced team of scientists started work on project Frankintaker. Within two weeks, the end product was finished. The original mechanics where installed, and Tack was now to be known as The Underpants Taker; Vince's monster creation to earn ratings with... and money.
WWF Debut
The Underpantstaker made his first appearance at the MacGyver series in 1990 as a mystery inclusion to a team of four on four participants. Taker came out with Manager Courtney Love. By his sheer height and slow pacing movements alone, not to mention looking like a badly dressed Ken doll in a flashers coat, The Underpants Taker was revealed to the world for the first time and began to scare more then five shades of shit out of the elderly in the audience and 1 concession stand employee. With Vince comed out of his mind chanting on the commentators table, "ITS ALIVE, ITS ALIVEEEEEE", Taker then was disqualified in the match by accident after he stopped dominating his opponents in the ring, and focused on urinating on the first three rows of spectators. Vince realized there may be a few kinks to work out in Takers system before he tries to debut him again, so it was Hasta la vista to Taker for a few weeks.
Dead Man Glitching
Vince and his robotic team fixed the problem, and now had complete control over the Takler unit, but, they soon discovered one of the inner robotics of Takler was not working properly. It was a bug that they never could get out of Taklers system until around 1997 when they finally fixed it, and the UnderpantsTaker could finally sell his opponents moves and submissions.
Taker rose the ranks of the WWF as the #1 heel of the company. He went undefeated for nearly two years. Vince's plan to have an unstoppable beast working for him was working well as he watched his Frankenstein-esk monster destroy all his challengers, including, both nobodies and legends of the WWF that Vince wanted to send packing from the company anyway. UnderpantsTaker became notorious for not selling to anybody; choking his victims while his eyes rolled back into his head (A glitch in the system that they decided to keep anyway) and his devastating finisher, a Tombstone pile driver where Taker would scoop his opponent up in a vertical 69 position, attach his penis to their mouth, sniff their butt hole, then drop to his knees, causing their head to be driven into the floor. (Kinda like when you are executing a real standing 69er and your orgasm causes your knees to buckle, dropping your lover skull first into the floor)
Vince wanted the Underpants Taker to be the first ever wrestler in history to go undefeated, but it soon came to an end just after Taker defeated Hulk Hogan at WrestleFakia 69 with the interference of Ric The Dick Flair - Acting president of the WWF at the time, Jack Off Till I Cummy issued Taker and Hogan to wrestle a rematch the following Tuesday Night In Texas. The rematch began, and by shear accident, Hogan sweated into the robotics inside the Taker causing his internal system to malfunction that gave Hogan the first victory over the Underpants Taker.
Vince was really pissed off about this, and decided there and then he was going to destroy HulkaFakia for that event's outcome. Vince went back to the workshop with head designer of Takers system, Paul Bearer and made the outer skin casing of the takers endo-skeleton water resistant to 150 feet. Taker then returned to active duty and had several confrontations with those such as The Ultimate Gaylord, Papa Shag-a-Hoe and the incredible 30 foot Giant Speedy Gonzales.
Kinks VS Kinks
By 1994, Vince was still trying to get the bugs out of Takers system, as his programming kept screwing up and he would lose a match. So Vince decided what he would do is create a second Underpants Taker and take the original offline. The original was put into storage, and Underpants Taker 2.0 was created. Vince created a story line on screen that the Underpants Taker had been killed by Yokozuna, E. Honda, Bam Bam Bigelow, "Double-Gay" Jeff Faggot and various others who proceeded to destroy the Underpants Taker and roll him into a coffin. However a smoke and light show was shown on the screen of the Taker saying he would never rest in peace and would be back.
This was all just to take the original Taker off-line to make way for the new one being built. And a few weeks later at HBGays Fartbreak Hotel segment, the Six Million Dollar Man Steve Austin said he had brought the Undertaker Back and he was now under his control. And so he was, the Underpants Taker 2.0 was revealed to the world and no one could tell that it was not the body of the original Tack. Things where going okay with the new Taker until one night the lightning effects being used for the Takers entrance to the ring struck Taker 2.0 in the back of the head, and Taker 2.0's eyes begun flashing red, and he was heard chanting, "Malfunction, Need Input"
This left Vince with no control over Taker 2.0 and the monster crashed through the wall of the building and he escaped into the streets of New Jersey where he went on a rampage of raping the streets and pillaging the women. Vince tried to regain control with Paul Bearer, but nothing they could do could regain control of the out of control zombie robot. The decision was made, that the only way to stop him, was tombstone him on his head three times, and the only person or thing that could do that, was the original Undertaker 1.0.
A match was booked at BummerSlam 94, where The 6 Million Dollar Man would bring his out of control Underpants Taker, and Paul Bearer would bring his Underpants Taker in a match that confused the living shit out audiences as to what the hell they where on about. But at Bummerslam 94, the match took place and audiences where in amazement as two Underpants Takers went head to head, they both looked the same, only one had new and improved latex skin and gray gloves, and the other about three inches taller with purple gloves. The match started and the original Undertaker managed to destroy Taker 2.0 with the three tombstones needed for victory, and also gained a 1,999,999 high score.
Now with the original taker back in action. Vince was happy to just have control over him, even if Tack did still have a few error commands that prevents him from winning sometimes.
Upgrade
During the mid 90's, Vince was taking the WWF to a new level, and felt maybe it was time to upgrade his Taker with current up to date software, now that the world was becoming more technologically advanced, and the decision was made to strip out the Takers older Unix system, and install a fresh up to date version of Windows 95. Vince succeeded in this, and the Undertaker now had the ability to sell opponents moves, but it did not stop the Taker from being able to be beaten, which Vince was blaming on the Windows blue screen of death.
Taker also received a change of cloths and sported eye liner as a promotional deal Vince signed with L'Oréal. It was at this time that what became known as the Crapitude era began and the Monday Night Bores started.
Taker would be programmed to start up a faction called The Ministry Of Sound. Where Taker lead a group of bounty hunters from the Dark Side Of The Force to do Vince's evil bidding for him. Most notably the night he crucified Vince's daughter for coming home five minutes late after he demanded she be home by 11pm. Vince was also wondering if maybe he could make another monster to be the brother of the Underpants Taker, as maybe it would boost ratings. Vince bought another dead body at auction, and went to work on a bigger version of the Taker he called Klame. Klame was built and debut at the next PPV to come and rip the door off a cell that Taker and HBGay where taking each other on in. Klame busted into the cage and proceeded to tap dance his way over to Taker in a great show of Riverdance skills, and challenged Taker to a dance off contest. Klame won.
A feud began between Taker and Klame as they squared off in the ring in heated dance off contests. Most of the time Taker would win, as Vince had not made Klame as Takers replacement, but just someone he could control that wouldn't pin the Underpants Taker if Windows crashed again. Over the next few years Vince even teamed Taker and Kane up as the Brothers Vince Constructed to go out and kick the ass of people who wouldn't kiss Vince's ass.
Windows 98 Errors
When Microcock announced that a new version of Windows was being released, Vince took the chance to upgrade Taker once again in hopes it would eliminate the glitches the Taker had. Vince was rather happy with the outcome, as the Taker did not seem to be losing matches anymore, until Taker opened a bad email one day that put a Trojan on his system which resulted in excessive amounts of spam that would pop up on Takers sight and leave him frozen until someone rebooted him. It was decided to take Taker offline until Windows could bring out an upgrade in it's firewall programs.
The American Jackass
With the release of Windows XP, and a subscription to Norton, Vince was able to bring the Taker back online, and he was preforming better then ever. Also with the next upgrades to his internal hardware, Taker was able to move and function, and even speak like a normal human being. Vince was really impressed at how much motion his Taker now had, that he returned the Taker to the ring under the new name, "The American Jackass" at the next PPV where Taker returned on a motorcycle and even came up with a new finisher called the "Ass Ride" where Taker would pick up his opponent around the waist, bite them on the testicles, and then throw them away. This reign of the new and improved Taker went on for about one year before Klame came out and announced that Taker was not the Taker of old. He should be slow, dead like, and go back to windows 98, where he belonged.
Vince agreed on this decision, and programed Klame to defeat Taker at a buried alive match that supposedly killed Taker again. But in actual fact, it was another excuse to take Taker offline to down grade him back to his original software components.
Return Of The Dead Tack
Not long after, the Underpants Taker returned to the ring, acting the way he used to, he was slow again, and mysteriously turning the lights on (which is done easily for a robot with micro control censors) and up to his old tricks. This pleased the fans, and Klame, as well as even Vince. The Underpants Taker has been back to wrestling like this for the last 100 years, and Vince had finally got the bugs out of the programming, to allow Taker to never lose ever again, and can also sell rather well now.
WrestleMania Record
Undertaker is considered by many one of WrestleMania’s most tenured veterans, having celebrated his billionth annual consecutive appearance at the event last year, obviously preserving his undefeated streak. As years seem to have taken their toll on the Phenom’s body, his matches now are nothing more than glorified squashes. Thus, the superstar at the time who wants to have their 15 minutes of fame (actually, more like 15 centuries, considering the pace at which Taker marches to the ring) makes their way to the ring and patiently waits for the much-respected legend to approach. Finally, after what must be a lifetime for some (the approximate time has been calculated to roughly 80 years), Phenom walks down the ramp assisted by medical personnel, present just in case he has one of his many infamous collapses. Taker has broken the Guinness World Record for most times being performed on CPR over a life span, most recently reaching the 10000000000th time at last year’s event.
After the bell rings, Undertaker grabs a mic and says the unforgiving words: “Rest in peace.” Then his opponent immediately lies down, pulling a Kevin Nash, and allows himself to be pinned.
Considering the amount of time (in years) it takes for Phenom to get in the ring in the first place, it is only understandable that these “squashes” take place under varying stipulations, most of the times in silly overused gimmick matches that have first appeared in themed pay-per-views. These matches are devised in accordance with the technological advancements of the era the match takes place in (urn in a pole on the moon match, rocket fueled casket match, buried in time match etc.).
Behind these Vince Russo-like bookings is said to be the ghost of Vince McMahon, stubbornly refusing to step down as the chairman and give the position to his soon to be 765 years old son-in-law and 999999999999 time World Champion, Hunter Hearst Helmsley (he defeated Randy Orton to capture the millennium title in his latest reign). Of all his WrestleMania opponents, he has faced Hunter the most, a stunning 943694598 times (I'm sorry, I meant 943694597, since WWE is trying to make us forget their encounter at WrestleMania X-7 ever happened)! Every single one of those times Hunter booked himself to win but, Undertaker, the great legend he is, has the final say in what happens in his matches, so every single time he turned Triple H’s proposals down.
Trivia
- Taker's is the only wrestler Vince has allowed a victory to at every WrestleFakia.
- Vince has allowed to lease Taker to Warner Brothers for Police Academy 35.
- Taker has held the heavy weight championship up without breaking a sweat from how heavy it is.
- His brother Klame is rumored to be the corpse of deceased wrestler Issac Hayes DDS.
- Vince is considering a contract with Apple Technology for Takers next upgrade where he will be able to save the company money on DJ's as Taker will be able to play all the entrance music through his asshole with the new iPlop.
- Can catch on fire although being undead.
- Vince is refusing to upgrade Taker to Windows 7 because of security risks, or to us non-WWE-ers it costs more than a dollar 22 so he ain't gonna do it.
Toughest Fight
At Wrestlegaynia xxlmviimlccv (250), Taker had a match with HB-Gay in a "Fuck off and die" match. Taker pulled up Michaels' arm to make it look like he kicked out of a tombstone pile driver 75 minutes into the match! But the fart stink kid came back with a Sweet Rim Music that almost laid Taker out for the count, but Taker just say back up and Mahoney and Hightower, who where in attendance, threw Taker a magnum pistol and Taker blew the head off Shawn Micheals in a display of spectacular sportsmanship, this allowed Taker enough time to pin Micheals for the three count that has ended HBGays career forever. Takers career at WrestleFakia now stands at 134-0 wins where people have taken a dive to him at WrestleFakia, overtaking the previous record of 133 that was held by Hulk Hogan.
Filmography
- Police Academy
- Police Academy 2
- Police Academy 3
- Police Academy 4
- Police Academy 5
- Police Academy 6
- Police Academy 7
- Police Academy 8
- Police Academy 9
- Police Academy 10
- Police Academy 11
- Police Academy 13
- Police Academy 14
- Police Academy 15
- Police Academy 15
- Police Academy 17
- Police Academy 18
- Police Academy 19
- Police Academy 20
- Suburban Commando
- Police Academy 21
- Police Academy 22
- Police Academy 23
- Police Academy 24
- Police Academy 25
- Police Academy 26
- Police Academy 27
- Police Academy 28
- Police Academy 29
- Police Academy 30
- Police Academy 31
- Police Academy 32
- Police Academy 33
- Police Academy 34
- Police Academy 34.5
