The Great Kelly
“ARGGGGGGHHH!”
The Great Kelly is an American actress, singer, dancer, choreographer, giantess, and sports entertainer. She was born Barbie "Anne Frank" Luanne Blank in 1986 to the proud parents of Dalip Singh and Barbie Blank, in Boca Raton, Florida.
Childhood and Early Career[edit | edit source]
The Great Kelly was born under the name "Barbie," weighing 21 pounds, 11 ounces (16 pounds of which where tits) in a Boca Raton hospital on December 1st, 1986. She was a very large bundle of joy. She spent her childhood being raised by her father in Punjab, India. There, she found out that she was much different from other kids. Besides being a foot and a half taller than them, she tried her best efforts to fit in with the others, but they just called her a freak. By the time she was eleven, young Great Kelly was five feet tall. Many people mistook her for a sixteen year old.
When walking home from the Punjabi jungle one day, she was kidnapped by a crazed ivory hunter in yellow clothing. The young ivory hunter kidnapped the Great Kelly and tied her up in a warehouse down by the river. It wasn't until Chuck Norris and Sage came to the rescue. Sage brandishing his chick magnet underwear (if you could smell it you'd understand) and Chuck waving his metal rose.
The trauma of almost being raped drove the Great Kelly into a depression. She abandoned her Journalistic dreams and resorted to topless Exotic Dancing as a way for her to cope with the stress of nearly being raped by that yellow bastard. Although she was only sixteen, the Great Kelly looked much older due to her height, which was a staggering 6'4" at the time. Coined the name "GoddessZilla" in strip joints, she became an instant hit with the men, who up until then, had to resort to dealing with the second tallest stripper in the country, 5'10" Rebecca Romin. During her three year tenure with "Katy's" bar and strip club, The Great Kelly grew an additional eight inches.
Then for no apparent reason she kept growing nine inches-a foot a day, until 3 weeks later she turned 70 feet tall. She was so big she had to walk in the street because it was the biggest enough contrete trail for her(but it didn't go well for the cars, which were smashed under her enormous feet). She was upset about what was happening to her. When a famous American pornographic actor and tourist had visited Punjabi, India, he had heard a great legendary tale about the "World's Biggest Stripper," however did not believe the local wise man tales and had to see her for herself. Meanwhile, The Great Kelly was becoming fluent in English and had hoped to save up enough money to quit dancing and go to the United States and study Journalism at NYU. On her last week on the job, the American had came to Katy's, located in Deepest, Darkest Punjabi and was taken aback at what he saw: the most beautiful woman in the world. After her performance, he desperately tried to hit on the Great Kelly in the parking lot, and despite her size, she had needed no protection to accompany her home. The American man begged and pleaded with her to consider joining him on his way back home. The Great Kelly said No, however, saying how bad she was at relationships with men(she crushed them under her 60 foot body) and that her low IQ caused her to lose attention in different men quickly. It wasn't until her would-be suitor said how he came from the United States did he finally manage to peak The Great Kelly's interest. She joined him on his way back home to the United States. And this mysterious American man would go by the name of Adam Sandler.
Movie Career[edit | edit source]
Adam Sandler brought the Great Kelly back to the United States in January 2005. He had cast her in a bit role in his upcoming movie, a remake of "The Longest Yard." (You can easily see her as she's the only 60 foot tall person in the whole movie.) While filming, Sandler expressed his deepest feelings to the Great Kelly, saying how he one day would like to marry her. Kelly did not feel very strongly for Sandler though, and the news soon hit the tabloids. This caused Sandler's wife of 11 years, Drew Barrymore to come down to the set, halting production of her hit film "Music and Lyrics," and haul him away, dragging him by the ear as he pathetically tried apologizing to her. Despite these setbacks though, "The Longest Yard" was April 2005's biggest movie ever, beating out "Mean, White Bitches," starring Lindsay Lohan, "Gilda the Flatulent Boar," with the voice of Whoopi Goldberg, and "Player Haters II," starring Heather Graham.
With the money made from her movie, The Great Kelly bought an apartment/plane hangar in L.A.X. in Los Angeles and had started studying to get her Journalism degree from Pheonix Online. Or possible, DeVry. I dunno. She began making deals to appear in other movies, as a typical "giant, female monster" in order to pay for living expenses. Other movies the Great Kelly has appeared in, include: "Hostel II", "Ocean's Thirteen",WWE's "The Marine", "Knocked Up", "Surf's Up" (voice), "WhiteOut: The Movie", and "High School Musical 2."
WWE Contract Offer[edit | edit source]
In early 2006, the Great Kelly was approached by Vince McMahon of the World Wrestling Entertainment promotion to come to the wrestling promotion as a "sports entertainer." Claiming she would make a lousy wrestler at best, Kelly denied the deal, but seeing as Vince gets a hard-on for giant people, he refused to say no, promising her that she'd be a World Heavyweight Champion in 18 months or less. Offering her a contract deal close to that of Montel Vontavious Porter, she soon realized that she could live the American dream by taking up this offer, so she signed on the dotted line and joined the WWE a mere few months later. The Great Kelly, however, had added in a special stipulation in her contract, stating that she could use her journalistic knowledge in her WWE career, as well.
Right before joining the WWE, the Great Kelly had started dating a man named Mike, whom she met off of Match.com.
WWE Career[edit | edit source]
Kelly's Expose[edit | edit source]
In June 2006, right after the WWE's second annual "ECW One Night Stand," The Great Kelly made her debut in the relaunched, 00's version of ECW: Extreme Championship Wrestling. In it, the Great Kelly had won her debut match, against one Stevie Richards. However, that wasn't her point for excitement, however, because afterwards, she had launched her own cutting edge sub-show during weekly ECW broadcasts, named "Kelly's Expose." This weekly five minute program that aired during weekly ECW broadcasts had shown off the Great Kelly's journalistic aspirations as she dug up any and all dirt she could find in the WWE/ECW business. Such weekly topics included:
- Where Finlay's Leprachaun "Hornswoggle" is REALLY from.
- The true origins of William Regal.
- Lita's secret ECW past.
- Ashley Massaro's Kitten Huffing.
- Vito's troubling childhood with a transvestite uncle. and
- The steamy love triangle between Kevin Thorn, Ariel, and McDreamy.
After winning a 2006 Journalism Award from ABCNews.com, The Great Kelly decided to push her "Kelly's Expose" show to the next level, by taking fan requests. Such requests involved whether or not the Great Kelly has any relations to Kevin Kelly (the answer is No.) and who was most likely to get fired before 2007 (with such correct answers as Rob Conway, Rene Dupree, and Lita and Kane's baby). Seeing the Great Kelly's success in her exposing journalism show, her boyfriend, Mike Knox, started to get very upset, and began to sabotage the show each and every week. Such instances involved throwing water balloons at the cameramen and making barnyard animal noises from off-camera. Mike and Kelly's relationship started to crumble as the Great Kelly became a bigger, more successful journalist every week.
CM Punk/Mike Knox Controversy[edit | edit source]
Eventually, things started going from sour to bitter as the ECW debut of Chris Matthews Punk came about. "CM Punk," as his internet junkie fanboys and fangirls called him, was a "Straight Edge" Extremist with an unrequited love for Pepsi cola, as well as a hardcore vegan. Having never actually met a real vegan before, the Great Kelly fell in love with CM Punk and even dressed like him for Halloween 2006. Becoming extremely jealous, Mike Knox and CM Punk fought for a while, with Punk usually winning every time because Mike Knox basically sucked. Embarrassed and humiliated, Mike Knox Googled his girlfriend online and found quite an interesting weakness for her.
At WWE Survivor Series, Knox and 60 foot ex-stripper the Great Kelly would team up against the likes of fake vampire/wrestler Kevin Thorn and real vampire/prostitute Shelly "Ariel" Martinez. Throughout the match, Knox dominated, but when it came time for the Great Kelly to finish off the opponents with her signature Goozlebomb, she suddenly fell ill and collapsed into the fetal position on the mat. Mike Knox had learned that the Great Kelly was allergic to vampire women! He left her to get beaten by Ariel with a Seismic Toss Suplex, giving Kelly her first ECW/WWE loss.
By Thanksgiving 2006, a week after the controversial betrayal, Mike Knox feigned an apology towards the Great Kelly and then smacked her across the face with a bundle of yellow roses, which Kelly was also allergic to. CM Punk rushed out to her aid, telling Mike Knox, "That's not cool, man! I mean, she's only a nineteen year old girl! She's only a nineteen year old, 60 foot four, 40 ton girl! How can you be such a dickwad of a man, man? I mean, that's SO not cool to strike a girl twice your size with roses like that! Damn it! That's not cool!"
Kelly's Rehabilitation[edit | edit source]
Seeing ECW's ratings drastically rise with the Expose show, and then fall after the Great Kelly had to be hospitalized for six weeks, Vince McMahon suspended Mike Knox for costing him money and hired new ECW Extremist Bobby Lashley as the temporary replacement for "Kelly's Expose." However, after learning of his God-awful ability to deliver a promo, he was quickly taken off of the Expose duties and replaced by the RAW Diva Search III winner, "Downtown" Julie Brown. Meanwhile, the Great Kelly suffered in the hospital, missing her 20th birthday, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve. But during that time, the Great Kelly had a lot of time to think and assess her young life. She spent her time injured under the yellow roses, to write her Autobiography, "The Great Kelly: I'm Only Just A Girl."
Bloody Feud With The Undertaker[edit | edit source]
When the Great Kelly returned to active duty in January 2007, she now found herself on the SmackDown! brand of World Wrestling Entertainment. Upon arrival, she was hazed and booed by the entire locker room. But no one found themselves to be more furious than the now Second tallest SmackDown! superstar, The Undertaker. Jealous that his stature had been usurped by the Punjabi Giant Exotic Dancer and American News Journalist, the Undertaker quickly called The Great Kelly out. Angry that her "Kelly's Expose" had now been taken over by another girl, Kelly accepted the Undertaker's challenge, looking for someone to take out her frustrations on.
In classic Undertaker Feud fashion, the two fought for the first time, but the Undertaker underestimated his opponent and got beaten and humiliated at the nearest PPV, "New Year's Revolution." After that, the Undertaker went away for a while, while his opponent wreaked havoc on SmackDown!. During this time, a now heel Great Kelly hired Middle-Eastern munchkin Daivari as her manager, and even humiliated Rey Misterio Jr. under orders of JBL. (He also ordered Mark Henry, Kane, Umaga, and any other overly large superstar he could find to beat up little Rey, whom he was feuding with.) The Great Kelly went on to nearly win the Royal Rumble in 2007, but a brief blackout, Titantron video scramble, and clash of post-production lightning had distracted the Great Kelly, causing her to be eliminated by the Rumble's two remaining participants, Shawn Michaels and Oscar Wilde. This was, indeed a sign of the Undertaker's return!
The Great Kelly and The Undertaker spent the time from the Royal Rumble, up to "No Way Out 2007" feuding. For the PPV, The Undertaker had issued a "Last Man Standing" match to go down. However, SmackDown! General Manager Theodore Long had pointed out that since The Great Kelly used to be a giant, exotic dancer and stripper, that "Last Man Standing" match could never work, but did however, change it to be a "Last Person Standing" match for "No Way Out." After being beaten, going away for a number of weeks, and returning by using post-production fake lightning and smoke to "haunt" and "scare" his opponents, Undertaker had returned in typical Undertaker fashion to beat the 60 foot 4 ex-stripper in the WWE's first and only "Last Person Standing" match.
The next night, The Great Kelly, bandaged and sore, issued a rematch towards Taker at "Saturday Night's Main Event" in March. Only the stipulation would be that it be the dreaded "Jive Turkey Prison Match," a match so ruthless and violent, that only Daivari, JBL, and Kelly herself had even heard of it before. Two nights before the match though, the Great Kelly was called up by VH1 in order to guest commentate on "Best Week Ever!" Of course, she couldn't say "No" to that! So on the night of the actual match Kelly had made up, WWE had gotten the replacement of Eight-Time WWE Women's Champion, John Cena to substitute for her against The Undertaker. Despite her best efforts and despite "putting on one hell of a show", The Undertaker emerged victorious in the WWE's first and only "Jive Turkey Prison Match" by beating WWE Diva of the Year, John Cena, although the match itself took five years off of Underatker's already close-to-ending career.
Needless to say, GM Theodore Long was not happy with The Great Kelly jumping out of her match and he fired her off of SmackDown! (thus, promoting her up to WWE RAW)
Fierce Feud With John Cena[edit | edit source]
Having been fired off of SmackDown! "Melina" style, The Great Kelly had gotten promoted up to RAW, the WWE's A-Show, right after "WrestleMania 23". On RAW, she had many fine, high-quality jobbers job out to her, each and every week, including the likes of Jamie Noble, Carlito, Val Venis, Melina, and Santino Morella. This was all a part of the effort for RAW General Manager Jillian Hall to promote a Great Kelly/John Cena feud, to be scheduled after WWE Divas Champion Cena had made Umaga job out to him enough times, after WWE "Vengeance." Umaga had grown up with a similar background to the Great Kelly and both were non-Americans, raised from Deepest, Darkest Jungles. The two had started to bond affectionately as time went on.
One night on RAW, the Great Kelly and Umaga were having a backstage picnic. John Cena, after slapping Maria and Todd Grisham for no good reason, had crashed the picnic and started acting like a real butt hole, as always. This led to the Great Kelly defending the honor of Umaga and her also picking up the Umaga/Cena feud where Umaga had left off. The two had battled for quite a while, leading up to WWE "Judgment Day." During their RAW matches, The Great Kelly was always too big for Cena to fight effectively. While, at six feet, he barely came up to her ankles! The Great Kelly used this to mock and dis Cena, claiming that she soon would become the third she-male WWE Divas in history! (behind Man-lina over Michelle McCool-2009, and again, Man-lina over Santina Marella (Who was obviously not Santino in drag)-2009) However, at "Judgment Day," the Future-Legend Killer added yet another name to his list as John Cena made the Great Kelly tap out to an STFU, a move Torrie Wilson wouldn't even tap out to.
The next night on RAW, Kelly claimed that she never tapped out and that she was merely trying to reach for the ropes to break the hold. Not to mention, her long, silky-smooth legs were under the ropes at the time, and the ref's decision was wrong. Many replays, shown from various different angles, did indeed prove that what she was saying was the truth. Cena, the petulant wigger-boy that he is, came out, made a bunch of bad jokes about Kelly's "fake" breasts and "bad" hygiene in Battle-Rap form, and then accepted a rematch against her, at WWE's former ECW PPV, "WWE One Night Stand." Cena claimed that before the PPV, the Great Kelly scared him. But now, he claimed to "make the Great Kelly my bitch!"
At "WWE One Night Stand", a cheap knock-off of a former ECW PPV, where every match would be contested under "No Disqualification" rules, Kelly still had trouble trumping Cena. Even with help from Umaga, Randy Orton, Carlito, Bobby Lashley, Gene Snitsky, The Boogeyman, and RAW General Manager Jillian Hall however, Cena still overcame the odds and even managed to FU the seven-footer, ensuring his victory at the PPV. For indeed, "the Champ is still here!"
A Return To Her Roots[edit | edit source]
Broken and humiliated, the Great Kelly begged and pleaded with Stephanie and Vince McMahon to fix the upcoming "random" WWE Draft Lottery so that she may return to her roots in ECW. Despite Stephanie McMahon seeing huge ratings potential in Kelly and Cena's feud, she granted her wish and in the 2007 WWE "random" Draft Lottery, she returned home to ECW, along with The Boogeyman, The Miz, Viscera, Johnny Nitro, Maria and Chr_s B_n_it. But no Dolph Ziggler
Upon her arrival back home, The Great Kelly tried to get her old "Expose" show back, now being run by that ditsy, British Diva Search winner with an afro, and some miniature She-Hulk lady with a massive Man-Chin. Kelly threatened to Goozlebomb them to hell if they didn't give up their show to her! The two mini-Vixens agreed to return "Kelly's Expose" back from the show that was airing in it's place for months now, "Extreme Extreme!", a show about extreme stunts of Extremeness, captured on video tape. The Great Kelly, however, suggested a merger between her Expose program and the Extreme real videos show, thus creating the "Extreme Expose" show later that June.
"Extreme Expose" allowed the Great Kelly to return to her Punjabi roots of exotic dancing and PG-rated strip shows, along with a hard, gritty, cutting edge take on Expose journalism. The Great Kelly, Leyla El Leyla, and Brooke "Mini She-Hulk with a Man-Chin" Adams have been working happily on the #1 show on the Sci-Fi network ever since June 2007. They've even won an award on the groundbreaking Expose case of the recent shocking murder/suicide of one Mr. Ronald McDonald.
Fierce Three way feud with Chris Jericho and The Miz[edit | edit source]
This strange and grizzly tale starts at a New York nightclub. At this location Chris Jericho fucked The Great Kelly in the she-male toilets. After that night The Miz tried to blackmail Chris Jericho and The great Kelly. However Cris Jericho got angry and the Miz and Jericho ended up having a twitter war. The great Kelly got involved by flashing both them but not with her tits with Flash grenades. So at No Way Out Jericho's and Miz's guide dogs had a brutal fight ending up with Chris Jericho and The great Kelly having sex on the announce table. The WWE got the PPV for the fight.
Outside of WWE[edit | edit source]
In her spare time, the Great Kelly loves to write and sing songs. She also hosts a popular viral videos countdown show on VH1 called "YouTube TV," where she counts down the top twenty videos of the week shown on YouTube.com.
The Great Kelly is also studying to receive her Masters degree in Journalism from Florida State. She has said in a recent Maxim magazine interview (October 2007) that she "would love to pursue more movies and TV deals in the future, but right now, have all upcoming goals set squarely in the WWE."
Trivia[edit | edit source]
Facts about The Great Kelly.
- The Great Kelly is 20 years old. Not even old enough to drink Alcohol, yet!
- The Great Kelly is 60 foot 4 tall and 40 tons, making her both the World's Biggest Exotic Dancer, and World's Second Tallest News Journalist, to Shaquille O'Neal.
- The Great Kelly currently lives in Long Island, New York Her home address can easily be found on Google.
- The Great Kelly idolizes Barbara Walters and Nancy Callahan as her heroes.
- The Great Kelly once watched an episode of Lost and cried because she thought Herley wasn't real, but he IS!
- The Great Kelly is an all-natural 44EE.
- The Great Kelly has two dogs, Muffles and Sin-Sin.
- The Great Kelly's favorite Ice Cream is Reeses Cup.
- The Great Kelly has three nipples and has from these given birth to three mutant Jews, known as Krusty the clown, Adolf Hitler and Gayzilla.
- The Great Kelly's favorite color is "Majin Buu Pink."
- The Great Kelly's favorite singer is Britney Spears, which is odd considering that she never heard of her before Britney shaved her head bald.
- The Great Kelly's least-favorite band are the Pussycat Dolls.
- The Great Kelly believes in safe sex and monogamy.
- The Great Kelly owns over 40 vibrators and dildos.
- The Great Kelly's religion is Kellyah.
- The Great Kelly became SmackDown's "World Heavyweight Champion" in late July 2007.
- The Great Kelly has a sister, who runs a dry cleaning service in Newark, New Jersey.
- The Great Kelly's greatest strengths and weaknesses are single men, which is why she rarely dates gay guys.
- The Great Kelly wishes to one day get married to the music of White Snake.
- The Great Kelly once challenged Chuck Norris's goat (aka black Jesus) and won using the finishing move "Black Attack"
- The Great Kelly once tried dying her hair blonde, but was forced to change it back as WWE fans too often got her confused with Beth Pheonix.
- The Great Kelly's autobiography, "The Great Kelly: I'm Only Just A Girl" was on the NY Times Best Seller List.
- The Great Kelly tried to eat a duck once, but instead got roundhouse kicked by Bruce Willis.
- The Great Kelly DOES care about black people.
- The Great Kelly will become the newest Neutrogena girl in September 2007, following such icons as Hayden Panettiere and Maria Menounos.
- The Great Kelly fights Boogers and slapped the Booger King.After That The Great Kelly got Arrested by Boogers
- The Great Kelly Rap Battles a Niger and gets surrounded by Jewsy Jews
Also See[edit | edit source]
