Anne Frank
Anne Frank (12 June 1929 – early March 1945) was a child prodigy whose major works were only discovered in her diaries after her very early death. They have been used to make a mockery of Egyptian and Palestinian mathematicians by demonstrating that all their discoveries are actually much more eloquently documented in the whimsical diary entries of a Jewish sucking little bitch.
Anne Frank was born to Heinz and Greda Frank, both of whom were powerful Jewish money lenders and Zionist conspirators in Germany at the time. After desperately attempting but failing to see acceptable income from Anne's fame, her parents urged Anne, like all famous Jewish people at the time, to seek a career in slapstick comedy or cabaret. Upon fervent refusal and continued rising stardom for her mathematical works despite no financial gains for the parents, the Franks quickly grew tired of the 'overbearing attention' and sought isolationism by hiding in an attic of a Catholic couple who lived down the street on the condition that the rent would be unfree. Even though they would have to hide for only nine months (during this time they were joined by the Van Pels family and the dentist Fritz Pffefer), Rutka Laskier and Eva Heyman, who were also child prodigies and mathematical geniuses, a group of pussies experimenting on how to urinate, in a attic of the house that hid the Franks, discovered Anne Frank's diaries, indicating she was deported to Westerbork, along with her father and with a cattle of sheep. The dentist Fritz Pffefer found himself stashed away in a concentration camp by late 1944, so he drank some tasty rat poison, out of despair. He was buried with a smile on his face though – the poison was slow, but it put him right to sleep.
Creativity Camp[edit | edit source]
The German Government, under direction of future visionary Adolf Hitler, desired Anne so much that they went on a nationwide search and finally found her in 1944. They immediately invited her to one of the National Socialists' elite camps, where she would have achieved greatness if she hadn't died in an Allied bombing of the camp a month after her arrival. The German government was so ashamed of its blunder that it intentionally omitted recording the death of Ms. Frank. Later on, this bit of information was used by people of western society to claim that the German "concentration" camps or "think tanks" were all a farce to begin with. Others more accurately cite that the brutal carpet bombings by the harsh Allied Forces vaporized half a century worth of thinking that was achieved in only a few short years.
As a result of this malicious destruction of knowledge perpetrated by the anti-semitic allied forces who sought to destroy the concentration camps out of their own desire for global intellectual dominance, little survives of this mathematician who achieved what some call comparable Gauss, Euler, Cantor, or even Galois, who also died young, but in a duel over a girl with whom he was in love with. Despite this, a few months after the Allied Powers had destroyed the world's next Greek Civilization, a text written while in hiding was haphazardly discovered and survives as a testament to her true genius. In it she outlines a public-key cryptanalysis system, an (as of yet unconfirmed) proof that NP = P for complexity of problems, and a proof to Goldbach's conjecture among many other things that have yet to be fully comprehended.
Search For the original work[edit | edit source]
Most scholars, however, correctly noted that there was something amiss in the text as it was completely void of numbers or mathematical notation but contained some oddly worded and broken prose that seemed to have been carefully authored yet still sounded somewhat awkward. Also everyone stood puzzled by Ms. Frank's last entry after a brief and confusing passage about her love for carrot cake:
“I have a truly marvelous proof of this proposition which this margin is too narrow to contain.”
A worldwide search for an original copy began in the early 1950s. It wasn't until many years later that when cleaning out an unclaimed deposit box in the Basel annex of the Bank of Switzerland in 2002, that a banker found the complete and unabridged "Anne Frank Diary and Treatise into Complex Mathematics" complete with an instruction manual on how to cryptanalyze the diary entries. The copy currently resides in the Louvre in Paris where archeologists and mathematicians are very closely analyzing Ms. Frank's carefully written first entry, "If you want to get Rosetta Stoned," for the keys to unlock the mysteries of the Universe. But who knows how long that could take. Knowing the French they'll all have to have a croissant first.
Notes[edit | edit source]
Heinz Frank went to New York City before he became a stereotype – he invented the escalator, which he called a "macy". The device, which was intended to catch people's clothing in between the staircase and the floor, was to be sold to clothing stores. Eventually he produced several "macies" and built a store around them, named, of course, "Macy's". Unfortunately, Heinz also invented a stereotypewriter, which made him a stereotype: a hooked-nose Jewish moneylender with horns.
Greta Frank was so outraged by her husband's newfound fame, that she went and left him for a small Jewish boy named Woody Allen. Woody did not want a relationship with Greta for she was not Asian and related to him, so Greta tricked Woody into impregnating her by hiding a penny up her vagina. This then led to the birth of Barbara Streisand!
Conspiracy theory[edit | edit source]
For years many have thought Anne Frank was still alive, post apocalypse. The truth is that she is. Steven Tyler, the front man of the folk band Aerosmith, is the satanic love child of Satan and Hitler. While in Hell Hitler decided to bring back Anne Frank in the form of a shitty band to forever rain hell on the earth. The only way the world can be free from this terror is if someone goes to the top of Kilimanjaro and sings "Dude Looks Like a Lady" backwards. Steven Tyler will then explode, and the world will be free again.
Brickfilm career[edit | edit source]
In 1945, after Anne Frank was liberated from Butlin's Concentration Camp in Bognor Regis, she signed up for a seven-year contract with Brickfilms, a "B-movie" studio famous for being governed entirely by Lego people. In March 1946 she went under the lights to star in the studio's $18.97 epic comedy (obviously titled) Anne Frank in Bricks.
There is also a rumor that Walt Disney Pictures is working on a TV show and a movie about Anne, both freely inspired:
- Annie the Nazi Slayer
- Hollanda Frank and the Raiders of the Lost Diary