Catholicism

This article is about the state of being mentally inebriated. For the religious institution, see alcoholism.

Warning: Reading this article is a mortal sin

“The Catholic Church? All controlled by a small group of people in the Vatican! Keep it quiet!”

~ Julian Assange

“Fucking pedophiles, every single one.”

~ Captain Odious

“And they call US barbarians ...”

~ Mohammed

“I EXCOMMUNICATE YOU ALL!”

~ The Pope on the people quoted above

Catholicism, or adherence to the Mosteth Holyeth and Sacreeith Roman Catholic Church, So Sayeth His Holiness Pope Julius Maximus LCXXVIII and Everyone Else Who Cometh Beforeth Him and Anyone Else Who Cometheth Behindeth Him is the largest support group in the world. With more than a billion members (of varying loyalties and intelligence levels) and a support team of almost half a million superpowered individuals, Catholicism, also known as We Hate Abortion or the Cult of Lord Cthulhu, is the most exciting and vibrant club one can belong to. Over the years Catholicism has gained an almost religious following.

Catholicism is the true version of Christianity. Many vocal supporters of the enemy disagree ardently with this notion, but unfortunately, they are wrong. Catholicism is widely considered to be the wide-screen, director's cut DVD Blu-Ray of religion.

History

9 out of 10 Catholic priests protest this article

Warning: Despite the Catholic Church's sincere efforts to censor potentially damaging information remove Satanic information from this webpage, it still remains tainted by the Devil. The Catholic Church is not liable for your extradition to Hell.

The Catholic Church is the Roman Empire and it's pagan religion repackaged into an underground cult the one true universal church for raving pedophiles that have hindered scientific advancements for centuries and have sex with the little boys that attend their churches. good Christians who worship Pedobear Jesus Christ. This guy is a Protestant Satanist.

The numbers speak for themselves: more people choose Christ over Luth0r, prominent Protestant supervillain and Apostate #1.

Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition was a period of history in which a section of the Catholic Church, led by the pedophiliac Cardinal Francisco Ximenez, went into Spain and attempted to bring out a confession by inserting burning, sharp, pointy objects into other people's anuses from those who were not Catholic. What made this period so deadly was that nobody expected The Spanish Inquisition.

Steak

It is known that during the inquisition, non-believers were impaled on pointy poles and burned until they became "steak". Luckily, in a sudden twist of fate, Pope Ramses XXIII declared that steak be made out beef and not of non-believers. (If you're a non-believer, be thankful that you were not born in the 6th to 7th century.)

Crusades

The Crusades were an attempt by the Catholics to bring the people in the Holy Land to submission by raping and pillaging, especially little boys, those sick fucks. Take the holy land which was rightfully theirs. It didn't work because God saw that the Catholics were being |_|/\/1337 did not feel that the people living there were ready for having a priest molest them in a "most Holy Manner" enlightenment. According to some propagandists theology teachers at horrible Catholic brainwashing encampments schools, the Crusades never happened.

Children's crusades

The Children's Crusades were false memories planted by the Church of England. No incidents involving children and priests ever happened.

The Anti-Christ

The Anti-Christ came in 2003 in the form of Pope Francis a teenaged haxor, which can be evidenced by the fact that $1337+666=2003$ There are Rumors that the Anit-Christ is, in fact, the BOFH.

How exactly did 2000 spell Y2K? guess you have to understand Binary Code for that.

Nuances

In comparison to mainstream Christianity, Catholicism is the belief that when Jesus was hung up by the wrists, it didn't matter. Some scientists theorize that this was due to the amount of insulin that he had to take in to prevent his massive diabetes problem. Eventually, Jesus woke up (much to the chagrin of his would-be oppressors), feeling rather woozy. And cold, because most of his insulation had either dissipated or been eaten by the guy who had stabbed him. Jesus, being a level infinity sorcerer, was then able to teleport off of the painful spike (some might wonder why it is that he didn't cast that while he was being beaten and chained up there, but he was out of mana, and needed those three days of sleep they provided him with to regain it). Mark quotes Jesus as saying that next time Judas tells him to go for a walk in the garden, he'll bring some mana potions and his staff with a +20 damage enchant (fire damage).

Later he killed the ones who had hung him up there, and was later lit up with an AR-15 assault rifle, riddled with thirty-four bullets. It not the Jews as we have been led to believe, nor even Santa, as others believe, or even Rudolf. It was, in fact, the Society of Jesus.

Central beliefs

The Pope

The late Bat Fuck Insane Pope demonstrating his late Eyebeams

Unquestioned loyalty to the Pope is essential, unless you are wicked, in which case worship of the Pope is also required. Without the guiding light of His Holiness, Catholics consider themselves to be lost in a sea of dangerous information that might be used to bring about the Final Apocalypse. The Pope acts as the Mouthpiece of God, and occasionally as His TV remote control as well. To identify the Pope, look for the following:

• A silly white dress being worn by an old man with a pointed fishhead-like hat
• A mutant pickup truck with a large derriere
• A lot of people surrounding the guy. This is pretty common whenever the Pope visits New York or West Lubbock, Texas, because people mistake him for Elvis. Don't ask me why.
• A white yarmulke

Many jealous theologians have equated the Pope with Satan or some other evil deity - this is only because the Pope gets to live in a huge, cool palace filled with paintings and antique statues, while most theologians are forced to live in the suburbs. The Pope also has God's cell number, while most theologians only know of His voicemail.

Rituals

“And God said unto Sebastian ‘thou hath sinneth Sebastian, I shall curse thee and all thine descendants; here, taketh this tiny tasteless piece of bread, and it shal quencheth thine peckishness and absorb all thine saliva, sticking to the roof of thine mouth ... most annoyingly.'”

~ The Bible

When attending one of the rituals of this group, you will find that they are actually being controlled. If you attend a full ceremony, at the very end they will give you a piece of some kind of drug that keeps a visitor coming back every week for more, for the essence of the Flat Jesus is impossible for most mortals to escape from.

Weekly Catholic rituals are not to be confused with excessively dogmatic behaviour (see below). This trait that most Catholics possess is a defence mechanism that serves to strengthen the people of God.

Dogma

Dogma is one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church. In order to get to Catholic Heaven (which beats Hindu Heaven hands down, but loses by a smidgin' to Mormon Heaven, and according to The Simpson is way funnier, less judgmental, and more drunker than Protestant Heaven) you must believe in dogma.

Here, in a nutshell, is the essence of Catholic dogma:

1. You must worship the cross.
2. Sex is bad and should make you feel guilty. Except when it's with kids, of course.
3. Money is bad and should make you feel guilty.
4. Altar boys are bad even though they make you feel good.

These two dogmas are the entire essence of the Catholic Church's teachings, and explains their position on everything from sex (it costs money) and abortion (it's from sex), and why you should put money in those little baskets they throw at you during Mass.

From this dogma, the Catholic Church has the Catholic Catechism:

• Pleasure is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Food is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Being born is bad (called original sin) and should make you feel guilty.
• Eating meat on Friday is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Sleeping in, especially on Sundays when you don't have to go to work, is very bad and should MUST make you feel guilty.
• The Catholic Church is good and should make you feel happy.
• The Pope is very good and should MUST make you feel happy.

Modern theologians are in full agreement that if St. Paul had gotten laid, even by that Mary Magdalene chick, the Church today would be very different. And a lot more fun.

Karma

Catholics don't believe in karma. They believe, instead, that someone is watching to see if they are good or bad, making a list, and checking it twice. O.K., call it "instant karma", instead. Every December.

Wilma

Catholics are afraid of Wilma Flintstone: To them she is the Red-headed Whorebeast of the Apocalypse who shall slay all those who don't partake of her chewable vitamins. Some of her symbols (weird hair, stupid consort, pearl necklace) can be traced to the modern-day wiccan, Marge Simpson.

Mortal sins

Too late; you looked. Get your ass over to the confessional, sinner.

Catholics believe that if you die with a "mortal sin" on your soul, you go straight to Hell.

• Playing with your food
• Playing with your self
• Feeding yourself
• Playing with the person next to you
• Feeding the person next to yourself in a playful manner
• Just playing in general
• Not cleansing yourself after you do the "Bad Touch"
• Wearing a condom, especially in Africa
• Failure to donate your money to the church, you selfish asshole
• Making sex
• Making sex for money
• Kitten Huffing
• Adoption
• Getting a divorce from your obese, violent, faithless, lazy waste of a spouse without a fucking permission slip signed by the Pope
• Getting a divorce with a permission slip signed by the Pope
• Eating pizza and drinking milk at the same time
• Smoking weed on the Sabbath
• Not smoking weed on the Sabbath
• Listening to a woman in church
• Using your driver in the middle of the Fairway
• Using your wood in the middle of a whore
• Putting your elbows on the table
• Tossing the Holy Hand Grenade on a count other than three
• Reading this article
• Denying that any of these is a mortal sin

The Catholic Church's position on sex is very firm. To sum it up in a quick easy-to-remember sentence: you will get sent to Hell if you have oral sex, anal sex, penis sex, vagina sex, phallis sex, vageena sex, premarital sex, sex with the steps in front of an altar, gay sex, finger sex, underwater sex, upside down sex, loud sex, sex with the lights on, sex on a pool table, protected sex, unprotected sex, semi-protected sex, or (AND MOST UNFORGIVABLY!) NAKED SEX. It's quite obvious that God prefers us never to have sex with anyone. Obviously, if he wanted us to procreate, he would just slap up some mudpies and make himself some more humans. Or, if he REALLY wanted children to be born, he would impregnate all the women himself, and thus, by this concise logic, it should be apparent that NO ONE should have sex EVER. Don't even try it.

There is only one unforgivable sin that, when you die, will send you straight to Hell – being a dick on Uncyclopedia. Burn, baby, burn!

Fortunately, private investors such as eDulgences are interested enough in your sins to absolve them for you!

Finally, remember, too much Catholicism can make you go blind.

Confession

“ It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission; that is, unless it’s for killing someone who ain’t a believer, sexually harassing children, or limiting scientific advancement. ”

It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you're sorry about it once a week.

A subliminal endorsement

Money

Sale of indulgences has largely been discontinued, although anti-Catholic conspiracists occasionally claim that the Catholic Church supposably has significant market share in numerous industries.

Jesus was a big fan of the green. Before he was ever known as "the king of rap" he was just an average joe. He was into wine making and had a drinking problem. Now, once he had a posse that would do things for him (via his bluff checks/leadership feat) he told them to go guilt people into giving him money. And, lots of people gave Jesus money. But he never would have been popular if it wasn't for the chicks. Jesus knew how to get laid. If only the twelve dorks he hung out with could have learned something from that.

Due to this conviction to the amassing of large amounts of wealth, Catholicism is now the wealthiest religion in the world, outstripping Scientology's net worth by at least several billion dollars. Since sale of indulgences has dropped to a scant 2% of total Catholic income, the slack has been picked up through aggressive merchandising.

Compared, for example, to Scientology's single mainstream Hollywood film, Catholicism has had numerous mainstream successes in the form of blockbuster films, including Constantine's Choice, Last Tango of the Christ, Revenge of the Christ, and The Matrix trilogy.

Powering up

Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang, one of the many friendly faces a follower of Catholicism can hope to meet during one's temporary existence

Catholics believe in the mystical energy of Powering Up; specifically, Catholics believe in the existence of individuals who attain superpowers through faith and generous donations to Peter's Pence. These special individuals are known as saints, and they are widely worshipped as minor deities when God happens to be on hold (a common occurrence on Saturday nights).

Saints are typically granted special approval from the Pope to rise to the rank of immortal. It is estimated that there are some 60,000,000 immortals in the world today, many of whom belong to the Society of Jesus. Some of these figures of note are:

• Immortal Jesuit Emperor Fed Acker Huang
• Ignatius of Loyola
• Mother Angelica
• Jack Hackett

Future popes

One of several ways to become Pope. Not recommended, however.

There are two theories on the future of the papacy. Here's one that's total crap: Eventually all popes shall simply join into a hive mind thinking that they will rule as one. What none of them will know though is that John Travolta already rules the hivemind, and that nobody can dominate his mind. His willpower is too strong. That's right. John Travolta > you.

More enlightened scholars point to the The Super Duper Top Secret List of Future Popes published in 2019.

1. Mel Gibson (Pope Hollywood IV)
2. That weird guy down the street who hoards cats (Pope Felix XI)
3. John Travolta (Pope Scientifican III)
4. Tom Cruise (Pope Scientifican IV)
5. Ringo Starr (Pope Badmustach)
6. Bill Gates (Pope XP)
7. Bill Gates Jr. (Pope XP Pro)
8. Bill Gates, III (Pope Vista)
9. Bill Clinton (Pope Noinhaladope the Great)
10. Willie Nelson (Pope NoTaxus I)
11. Kirstie Alley (Pope Fatass II)
12. Tony Blair (Pope Dubya Botty Licker)
13. Mark Foley (Pope XXX)
14. John McCain (Pope Hillary Barack I)
15. Jacob Rees-Mogg (Pope Cockwomble I)

It is worthy to note that during the reign of Pope Badmustach, fellow former Beatle Paul McCartney will be elected Anti-Pope by a shadow Catholic Church based in southern Mexico.

See also

• HowTo:Be a Good Catholic
• Communion
• Trinity
• Reality
• Indulgence
• Doctor of the Church
• The Threat of Festivus
• Blessed Trinity Catholic High School
• That Catholic Thing
• Catolic gospel
• Jimmy Savile
• A nun's naughty bits, featuring a monk with a hard on
• A monk and a nun, doing it