Remarkably large nuns

Remarkably Large Nuns are nuns who have grown to unusually large sizes. Though the name is technically a misnomer, as it is generally impolite to make remarks pertaining to the size on nuns, it came into popular use when Frank J. Tipler allegedly said to his taxi driver "What remarkably large nuns!" as a group of Remarkably Large Nuns crossed the street in front of the cab.

Remarkably Large Nuns in History

Many scholars deny the existence of Remarkably Large Nuns prior to the discovery of Wonder Bread. However, hagiographic evidence shows irrefutably that the issue had been examined within the church long before secular scholars named and cataloged the phenomenon. Some of the best evidence for Remarkably Large Nuns in the middle ages comes to us from a rare, fourteenth century manuscript generally attributed to Sister Monica Friedman, a saintly woman forcibly converted as a child from her native religion, most likely a form of lobster-worship known as crustaeanity. The following verses prove that Remarkably Large Nuns had been identified, at least within their home abbeys:

Thou alwise feede ye fattestes nunnes

Ye nunnes thou shouldst not feede at alle

Ye nunnes which hoarde ye holye hoste

And sucke ye crumbes up when thei falle

Thus, we can date the rise of Remarkably Large Nuns almost a hundred years before the Spanish Inquisition, when their population was almost certainly forced underground as a result of the widespread popularily of "auto-de-feede" or "act of faith." Against their will, hundreds of nuns, as well as priests, systems administrators, and minority whips were locked in small rooms and forced into acts of holy anorexia. For months at a time, these poor people survived sustained only by their faith and the sweat they licked off each other's hips. While some scholars suggest that Remarkably Large Nuns, when exposed to these conditions, must have evolved into Unremarkably Average Nuns, other archaeological evidence seems to point to another conclusion. Digs in Turkey, Finland, and Borneo begin to reveal compelling evidence that Remarkably Large Nuns were rarely, if ever, subject to such conditions. Many scientists now suspect that they usually received advance intelligence of such round-ups and were able to escape for distant lands, where they congregated in mountain caves and enjoyed a diet of ham, bacon, sausage, and spam.

Sister Olivia Elephant

A photo of a remarkably large nun in politics.

Remarkably Large Nuns in Politics

Remarkably Large Nuns have been wandering the earth since the days of yore, but changes in the earth's climate and injudicious hunting and bunting practices have brought them near the verge of extinction in the past few millennia. Many hippy organizations, namely Greenpeace, are involved in various campaigns to save this rare species of nun.

Remarkably Large Nuns in the Arts

Notoriously shy, few Remarkably Large Nuns have submitted their work to juried contests, although apocryphal evidence suggests that the painting of still lifes with pork was an important element of their devotional rites. In recent years, some Remarkably Large Nuns have consented to having their portraits painted by the artist Paul Reubens, known both for his intimate illustrations of heavyset or "Reubensesque" women as well as vilified for his unflattering work in the bathrooms of porn theaters.

Pseudo-Nuns and other Imposters

While we now know that Remarkably Large Nuns exist, and their their numbers are always growing, not every remarkably large woman dressed in a nun's habit is, in fact, a Remarkably Large Nun. Some such individuals may simply be cast members in travelling productions of /The Sound of Music/. An easy test to determine the difference is to begin humming "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" While triple-threat actors will always sing along, usually in a bellowing alto, Remarkably Large Nuns rarely know the words. They may begin chanting or mumbling instead. Occasionally, a Remarkably Large Nun will tentatively add her voice to the song, but listen closely. It is a known fact that they cannot pronounce the word "flibbertigibbet," the shibboleth that always proves their undoing.

Another type of pseudo-nun is actually a man in drag. More commonly seen in cheesy buddy comedies, men in habits tend to be obese, clumsy, and on the run from the law. Although on the silver screen such imposters usually escape detection until the last reel, at which point they have already saved the orphanage, ingratiated themselves to the priests, cleaned up the neighborhood, and otherwise paid their debt to society, in real life, the detection of men in drag is simple. It is not uncommon for Remarkably Large Nuns to grow beards, possibly in relation to the same hormone imbalance that causes their bodies to blow up to such unusual proportions. However, they will never shave them. Thus, a Remarkably Large Nun with a beard is not implausible. However, men wearing nun's habits always shave. Therefore, the presence of beard stubble constantly reveals the exact sort of "nunsense" that is going on.

Do not be fooled by imposters. Accept only the best. One hundred percent true-bred Remarkably Large Nuns for all your ecclesiastical needs.