The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy
The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy is like a pyramidal hiearchy, only without any pyramid. Instead of a pyramid, it utilizes a right rectangular prism. The prism is of course multi-dimensional, but its shadow in our realm appears as a flaming ladder. The Hierarchy was originally going to be pyramidal, but it changed the name for a sponsorship deal from Little Giant Ladders; the name endured even after Little Giant Ladders ended the sponsorship. The purpose the Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy serves is to organize competing omnipotent beings into a pecking order; otherwise nothing would ever get done and they would always just spend their time fighting.
A History of the Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy[edit | edit source]
The Origins of the Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy[edit | edit source]
Way back in six million BC, there were nine competing beings of all-powerfulness: God, Gosh, Gah, Jesus, Jeez, Jesús, the Holy Ghost, Satan, and Stan. Nine omnipotent beings were sustainable, because three is a magic number, and three times three equals nine. However, the universe would be more stable if only three beings were on top. Everyone knew this, but kept an uneasy agreement with each other not to fight. The peace was not maintained out of the goodness of their hearts, however, but rather because people were not quite sure how to form the alliances. In fact, when the orignal fighting broke out, the alliances were completely perpendicular to the current way the Christio-Religio Hiearchy is:
|The Proto-Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy|
|The G-Team: God, Gosh, & Gah|
The J-Team: Jesus, Jeez, & Jesús
Despite the fact that the S-Team consisted of a team of two, they were able to hold their own in battles because Satan and Stan got along well and were well coordinated. In contrast, the G-Team was hindered my God's excessive bullying of Gosh, and Gah's incessant whining. The members of the J-Team tended to be unagressive, and so had no experience in combat. Jesús was the only exception, but the fact that he only spoke Spanish and Jesus and Jeez only spoke English made Jesús's fighting experience of little use, and further complicated coordination in the J-Team.
Though the S-Team could hold its own, it only had two members. This meant that if they were to win the universe would not be stable because three is the magical number. Also, two, being the only even prime number, is a wicked turncoat. Therefore, the members of the S-Team were labeled as evil by the G and J Teams. This agreement between the two teams foreshadowed the future mingling of their members. They could not mingle just yet, however, because they would be unable to make teams of three. They would have to wait for the later emergence of the H-Team for the decisive team-mingling to occur.
The First Battle Erupts[edit | edit source]
The first battle fatefully broke out when the Holy Ghost was on vacation. Had she not been, she just may have joined up with the S-Team, though her name doesn't start with an S, it would have been the only team needing a third member, and therefore the only team that would have considered her. Since she was on vacation, however, she recruited her Jewish twin sister, the Holy Spirit, to return with her and assist in the battles.
The fight was already winding down when they returned; the alliances, except for the S-Team, had all fallen apart. Gosh, bitter at his brother God for erasing his Diablo II character, was refusing to fight. Baseball season was starting, and so Jesús had hardly any time outside of baseball practice to devote to fighting with the J-Team, severely crippling their offensive. The S-Team, though still strongly aligned, were occupied with the construction of their new kingdoms, Hell and Heck.
The fight had all but been forgotten until the arrival of the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit. Planning ahead, they realized they would need a third member. They came across a man who carried a dead cat in a sack, and blessed him and made him a member of the H-Team under the name the Holy Wood. Together, the three of them blitzkrieged the G-Base. It was an easy battle, Gah was out with his emo friends, Gosh, still refusing to fight, simply surrendered, the three of them quickly beat up God. They gave him a wedgie and a swirly, then retreated after stealing God's wallet and giving him the mean spirited nickname Dog. (Which they insisted was an anagram of God, but it's a pretty lame one, since it's really just God spelled backwards.)
The news quickly arrived to the J-Team, and they summoned the key-holders to Ultra Jesus, hoping to summon the mecha for the upper hand in the fight. The J-Team soon discovered that the Yellow Ranger, Terri Schiavo, had died and hadn't been replaced yet. In a desperate attempt to save themselves, the J-Team recruited the young Jango Fett to assist them in their defense against the H-Team. A young wizard prodigy, Jango Fett proved to be as good of an ally as Ultra Jesus could've been. Jeez even preferred him, saying later. "Jesus just liked him because their names were similar, but his name didn't even start with a J, Jesus is such a fool." Jesus then arrived to tell Jeez he was in danger of hellfire, and so Jeez stopped talking smack.
Since he was still a student at Hogwarts, Jango Fett could not actually use magic during the summer. So instead, he creatively bought a portable swamp from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes and put some enchanted termites into the mix. When the three members of the H-Team stormed into the J-Base, Jango threw the portable swamp onto the ground. The Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit, wearing combat boots, were able to run over the swamp and continue the attack on the J-Team. However, Holy Wood, with his peg leg, got stuck in the termite infested swamp and was forgotten by his two allies. Jesús had no baseball practice that day and was present for the rumble, being outnumbered four to two, the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit were soundly defeated. By the end of the battle, Holy Wood's wooden leg had been chewn off to his flesh by the enchanted termites, and the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit had to carry him out in their retreat.
Missing a leg, Holy Wood was removed from the fight. Realizing that their blessing could only do so much for a mere mortal, they fashioned him a leg out of holy holly wood and told him to leave and never return. He went on to buy a parrot and have a successful career as a pirate under his newly adopted name Hollywood. Needing something that wasn't mortal to add to their team, the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit look to rocks. They found an old forgotten pet rock from the 70s, blessed it and dubbed it "the Holy Rock."
Deciding that the G-Team wouldn't expect it, the Holy Ghost and the Holy Spirit attacked the G-Base, the Holy Rock being carried there by the Holy Ghost. Once again they took the compound by storm. The Holy Ghost launched the Holy Rock into Gah's face, breaking his emo glasses. Gosh, feeling that he was tired of being bullied, fought back. He refused, however, to defend alongside his older brother God, so the twin sisters were able to attack one at a time and win the battle.
After thoroughly humiliating the G-Team once more, the H-Team retreated back to the H-Base once more to prepare an attack on the J-Base in three days. Why the H-Team decided to wait three days is unknown, but it is largely suspected to be because three is the most magical number known to man. Three days, however, proved to be more the the advantage of the J & G-Teams. The H-Team had prepared to fight a battle against four people again, but that was not the case. Jango Fett had been dropped, adding another person to the team and making it four, rather than three, harmed the magicalness of the team number considerably. The H-Team did not get an easy fight though, instead they had to battle against SIX people. The G-Team and the J-Team had combined to produce the GJ-Team. (Though, former J-Team members would argue that the name was actually the JG-Team.) One would expect the H-Team to just get served once more, but it was not a very typical battle.
The Alliances Shift[edit | edit source]
Upon entering the first room, the Holy Ghost, the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Rock were locked in, and an announcement was made. "If you can fight your way through the gauntlet we have set up for you, then you will be worthy of being an ally." It said, then a door in front of them opened, and they were told to enter or else be forced to listen to William Shatner recordings. The H-Team members hastily did as they were told.
In the first room they found Gah and Jesús ready to fight. It was the simplest fight they'd ever fought. The Holy Ghost launched the rock into Jesús's face before he could strike and caused Gah to start crying and say he had never really wanted to do this. Gah later posted a touching acoustic song he had written about the incident in his blog.
The second room they thought was empty, but Gosh and Jeez were actually sticking to the ceiling just above the entrance ready to pounce on them. Gosh quickly dropped down on the Holy Spirit, knocking her out. Jeez clumsily missed the Holy Ghost and landed on Gosh. Taking Gosh out. Before Jeez could recover to fight, he was knocked out by a quick kick to the throat from the Holy Ghost.
In the last room were God and Jesus, not expecting anyone from the H-Team to make it to the third room, sitting in chairs with their backs to the entrance, watching TV. The Holy Spirit snuck up behind them, and then gave both a simultaneous kick in the back of the head. The kick was not enough to know them out, but did give God and Jesus splitting headaches. They stood up woozily and told the Holy Spirit she had the right to join their new team. Apparently, Gosh had decided to leave the G-Team entirely, not daring to have a team of two, God quickly disbanded it. God hoped to recruit a new team by recruiting people from other teams. He considered recruiting two people from the J-Team, however, he didn't like the idea of having two of the three people on the new team be former J-Team members. Since the S-Team had been outcasted (and wouldn't have wanted to split anyways) the only team left he could recruit from was the H-Team. God decided Jesus was the best candidate from the J-Team, and so he recruited him. Then they set up the gauntlet as a way of deciding which candidate to recruit from the H-Team.
Having grown tired of her twin sister's nagging, the Holy Spirit gladly joined the new team God had assembled. They decided to name it the Holy Trinity. Being the top three, they knew they would be reigning over the other six leftover members from the G, J, & H-Teams. The only question was how the other six would be put into groups of three, and which of the new groups would be superior to the other. The Holy Trinity decided the new groups would have members in a pattern similar to their own group, with one member from each of the three former teams. The Holy Trinity decided to have fights to decide which group the a person would belong to. The Holy Ghost and the Holy Rock squared off in the first battle. The Holy Spirit threw the Holy Rock into the arena and it hit the Holy Ghost square in the nose, giving her a nasty nosebleed. After that the Holy Rock remained inanimate and was easily pinned down by the Holy Spirit. Jesús didn't have a translator and so he never understood he was about to fight Jeez, who simply upercutted Jesús to win the fight. No fight was necessary between Gah and Gosh. Gah complained that he never wanted to be a part of the whole thing and willing took a spot in the lowest team, later named the Holy Tripod, and gave Gosh a spot on the middle team, later name the Holy Triforce.
Now that all the new teams had been arranged the Holy Trinity decided it was necessary to arrange enemies. Since there were still only two people on the S-Team, the Holy Trinity decided to just pretend Santa was a member of the S-Team and declared him the nemesis of the Holy Tripod. This was convenient since the Holy Tripod, except for maybe Jesús, didn't especially want to do any actual fighting. Satan was made the enemy of the Holy Trinity, and Stan was made the enemy of the Holy Triforce.
Satan and Stan didn't find out about this arrangement for a few months. Even when they did it had know effect on their methods. They still consider themselves the S-Team and carry out fights together, against the Holy Trinity and the Holy Triforce. (Only occasionally attacking the Holy Tripod for fun.)
Proposed Changes[edit | edit source]
During the late nineteenth century, xenophobic Anglican theologians proposed that there was another rung consisting of Tom Bombadil and two others opposed to Allah.
Other Notabilities[edit | edit source]
- God and Satan once got into a ligature-making competition against each other.
- God's mother is Godzilla, his father is Godzillo.
- God is a big fan of Dashboard Confessional though he insists he's not actually emo like his youngest brother Gah.
- Though the Bible treats Jesus as one person, Jesus and Jeez actually pulled the switcheroo (well displayed in movies by the Olsen Twins) a couple of times, but their followers never noticed.
- Satan and Stan have recently had to cut back on their efforts to combat the Holy Trinity and the Holy Triforce due to Oprah's increasing competition in the evil market.
- Satan once took the form of Ross Perot and ran for President. Satan then became George W. Bush, ran for President, and won. (Well, sorta...)
- Stan actually has a Neopets account, found here.
- The city of Hollywood is named after the former Holy Wood.