Pope Francis

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  • Francis (Caesar)
Francis appears miraculously at Copacabana.
  • Jorge Mario Bergoglio
  • 17 December 1956
  • Buenos Aires, Argentina
ResidenceBedsit in Rome
OfficeBishop of Rome
Spouse(s)Eva Peron
Childrennone that we know of
Screen Shot 2021-02-26 at 10.50.59 AM.png

“If you’re going to be Francisco, wear some flowers.”

~ Jorge Bergoglio

Pope Francis (Latin: Franciscus [franˈtʃiskus], Italian: Francesco [franˈtʃesko]; born Jorge Mario Bergoglio on 17 December 1956) is the 377th and current Pope of the Catholic Church, elected in 2013. As such, he is Bishop of Rome, the head of the worldwide Catholic Church, NAMBLA's ambassador to the UN, and president of the Vatican City chain of pizzerias. He also played in the NBA for the Los Angeles Lakers for the 1982-83 season.

A native of Buenos Aires, Argentina, Bergoglio was ordained as a priest in 1987 after a successful career as an international footballer. In 1998 he became the Archbishop of Buenos Aires, and in 2001 an Arizona Cardinal.

Following the resignation of his predecessor Pope Benedict XVI, over allegations that he sexually abused a child while shouting at an African man for wearing a condom, Bergoglio won the papacy after the traditional game of rock paper scissors, and chose his papal name in honour of Pixies lead singer Black Francis.

Francis is the first pope to be a Jesuit, the first to come from the Americas, and the first to have scored a headed goal in the World Cup.

In 2013, like most of his predecessors, Pope Francis was honored as Time's Person of the Year for making the world safe for pedophiles.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Bergoglio was born in Flores, Buenos Aires City. He was the son of Mario José Bergoglio, a full-time con artist who worked the streets of the capital, fleecing tourists and gullible natives alike with games of Find the Queen and Touch the Helmet. Mario José had an illegitimate child with Regina María Sívori, a phone sex worker. It meant from an early age Jorge had an affinity for bastards which naturally led him to becoming an Argentinian footballer.

Jorge left school with high grades in both religious studies and ball kicking. He would later write of his struggle at this time over whether to devote himself to priesthood or a career in football. The latter won out when, aged 15, he was offered a professional contract by Buenos Aires side Boludos United.

However, Jorge's career almost finished before it started. His father, having robbed a baker and a candlestick maker, threw Jorge a huge party, with 240 candles covering a chocolate cake and spelling out "Congratulations Jorge Mario you are the best". The young Jorge, his body still not fully grown, did himself a mischief attempting to blow out all the candles, and had to have part of his lung removed. He is said to have taken heart from a book he found in the hospital listing prominent human beings with only one of something instead of two.

Person Only one Achievement
Adolf Hitler ball[1] nearly took over Europe
Cyclops eye leader of the X-Men
Daniella Westbrook nostril invented an eye-watering sexual position
Dr. Franklin Dialysis kidney pissed off people even after his death
Heather Harmon tonsil put extra space in the throat to good use
Heather Mills leg out Yoko-ed Yoko
Horatio Nelson eye, arm, leg Fellatio was named after him. Sort of.
Liam Gallagher eyebrow sang "Wonderwall"
Miguel de Cervantes hand wrote Don Quixote with his other one
Vincent Van Gogh ear never once short of a drink[2]

Career[edit | edit source]

← As a youth player, Jorge had been a roving midfielder, covering every blade of grass on the pitch and making tireless runs from one end of the field to the other. Now, with reduced lung capacity, he was forced to remodel his game, and became a thoughtful playmaker.

Having made his professional debut in 1976, Bergoglio carved out a first team position at Boludos, and quickly found favour with the fans faithful who dubbed him El Paseante or "The Stroller", due to his style of waiting for the ball in or around the centre circle before deploying it with vision and menace.

He was called up to the national side in 1979 and, after beating off stiff competition from a talented generation of Argentine midfielders, earned 22 international caps in the next two years.

Jorge also had a music career (as The Notorious P.O.P.E.) on the side, fusing the genres of gospel and hip hop. He frequently collaborated with Kanye West up until they cut ties in 2018 over a political disagreement. West and Bergoglio made three albums together, Pray Or Die, Holy Spirit Money and The Life of Pablo. Critics argue that his style of rapping is too reminiscent of a "Catholic Will Smith", and fans are quick to reply with a reminder that Hell is eternal.

On December 5th, 2021, Jorge teased new music for the first time since 2016 on Twitter, tweeting out the cover for a new album "Twizzy Chürch", mentioning popular rapper Yeat in the caption. Later that day, Yeat went on Instagram Live to reveal that the project, a collab tape with Jorge, would release in February 2022. Two days later, on December 7th, Jack Harlow simply tweeted the album name (Twizzy Chürch), leading fans to rumor that he is also featured on the project.

1982-83 Lakers Season[edit | edit source]

Rare photo of the Bergoglio playing basketball, he would later tear his ACL during this game.

Bergoglio played for three games, in which he would constantly drain threes but consistently fought with the referees. In one instance he would drain a half-court shot and then proceeded to punch a referee in the face.

In a game against Houston the young but promising Bergoglio tore his ACL after masturbating to hard the night before.

Opponent Rebounds
Denver 32
Kansas City* 41
Houston* 12

*Didn't play whole game due to ejection/injury.

Falklands War[edit | edit source]

Bergoglio's "I'll kill u, Andrew scum" banner earned him a caution from the British police in 1984.

Throughout the early 1980s, Bergoglio became increasingly interested in the story of the Malvinas, the Spanish name for the obviously British Falkland Islands. His interest started after he read "Rocks We Have Lost", a work by General Leopoldo Galtieri, the de facto president at the time, in which he also claimed Argentinian ownership of the Rosetta Stone and Ayers Rock.

To the astonishment of the footballing world, Bergoglio signed up for military action. Much to his disappointment, he was not sent on a top secret mission to take out Prince Andrew, as he envisaged, but instead spent the entire conflict interrogating penguins thought to be working for Margaret Thatcher's Britain.

In 2012, at a memorial commemorating the thirtieth anniversary of the conflict, he said: "We come to pray for those who have fallen, our sons who set out to defend their homeland, to claim a country that was theirs, and who were usurped by usurping usurpers. Los putos británicos. If they ever make me pope, I promise you it will be my personal goal to make them eat [expletive deleted] and [expletive deleted] it out of their [expletive deleted] fat [expletive deleted]."

Return to football[edit | edit source]

The goal that changed his life. (The "hand of God" was superimposed by pro-Malvinista activists.)

Bergoglio returned to football in the autumn of 1982, after a horrible basketball career of just three games, but the penguin interrogations had changed him forever. He has since said, "I trained much harder than before, and my performances improved two-fold, but every match was for me a training session, because my only interest was to play and beat the English, to get revenge on them for stealing our beautiful, fertile Malvinas. Hey! Did you just italicise that as if it wasn't really the legitimate name? Don't you dare, I said the Malvinas!"

In the summer of 1986 the World Cup was held in Mexico. Argentina progressed comfortably to the second round, where they beat Uruguay 1–0. Bergoglio was the match-winner, scoring his first and only international goal. After one of his occasional breathless shuffles to the opposition's penalty area, he was standing next to the goalpost and getting his breath back when a teammate regained possession and crossed the ball towards him. According to reports he jumped, or at least stood on tiptoes, "like an angel" and deflected the ball into the goal off the bridge of his nose.

Then, almost inevitably, Argentina faced England in the quarter finals. After a goalless first half, Maradona went on a rampaging run, tearing through half of the English defence and attempted to play a one-two with Bergoglio. The future pope controlled it awkwardly but managed to hook it up high over his head towards the English goal.

Maradona ran on towards the English goalkeeper Peter Shilton, but the chase looked hopeless. The Argentinian number 10, measuring just 4'11", was up against the almost grotesquely tall Shilton, who as goalkeeper was also able to extend his huge Mr. Tickle-like arms to catch the ball. However, at that moment, Bergoglio dropped to his knees and, as he would later reveal, prayed to God that Maradona should score.

Maradona jumped, and although never conclusively proved by television footage, many spectators at the ground claim they saw God's own hand materialise and lift the tiny genius up to a height where he could head the ball when, presumably channelling the devil at the same time, he cheated and punched the ball into the goal. Maradona revealed as much in a post-match interview when he said he scored "un poco con la mano de Maradona y otro poco con la mano de Dios" ("a little with the hand of Maradona and a little with the hand of God").

Bergoglio was visibly moved by the goal, and spent the rest of the match in tears. He played in the semi-final and final, both of which Argentina won, but his conduct on the field changed notably. He spent much time alone around the corner flag, occasionally sinking to his knees in prayer, and wore a priest's cassock instead of Argentina's traditional blue and white strip.

Devotion[edit | edit source]

Bergoglio sips his trademark moonshine on the street, having graffitied the wall behind him.

Bergoglio has since reflected on this period as being the turning point of his life. Instead of catching the cocaine-filled aeroplane home with his teammates, he chose to row to Argentina from Mexico, stopping off at various points in Central and South America, healing the sick and taking condoms from sinners. In Colombia he encountered a second possible use for them, but was stern, telling female drug mules they must not swallow contraceptives full of cocaine "lest it excite their sexual appetites".

Upon arrival in his hometown, Bergoglio began training as a priest, and could often been seen running through the streets, doing push-ups in the park, and punching frozen animal carcasses in the back of a van, while humming the theme tune from Rocky. In 1987 he was ordained, and in 1988 he won "Most Promising New Priest" at the Borges Awards.

In the early 1990s Bergoglio earned further fame as a contestant on El Padre de Mis Sueños, a kind of Catholic priest-flavoured Argentinian version of Britain's Got Talent catching the judges' interest especially with his kneeling and wafering.

Trying to push over a member of the congregation

In 1998 Bergoglio was made Archbishop of Buenos Aires, and became famous for his "handy" style, often pushing his faithful to the floor in an effort to make them stop being so bloody sinful.

In 2001 Bergoglio moved to Arizona and became a Cardinal where he divided opinion. Locals were shocked by his tendency to make and sell moonshine (which he dubs "Electric Mate" after the Argentinian hot drink) and also by his love for vandalising city walls with often obscene graffiti. On the other hand, he became a successful member of the NFL team, and kicked a record 54-yard field goal to beat bitter rivals the St Louis Bishops in overtime of the 2004 Christian Bowl, denying the Missouri side the right to call themselves the Cardinals ever again.

Papacy[edit | edit source]

Rare picture of Francis getting head from a man with severe leprosy

Bergoglio was named as one of the candidates for the papacy in March 2013 and was called to Rome. As is tradition, he was taken to a conclave deep in the heart of the Vatican, and asked to play rock paper scissors with the other candidates, each time uttering the solemn Latin oath: ching chang wollah. As the competition progressed, the tension was said to be almost unbearable, but after beating off stiff competition from a talented generation of papal candidates, Bergoglio emerged victorious.

Round Opponent Bergoglio's Move Opponent's Move
First Dan Brown Paper Rock
Second Richard Dawkins Paper
Quarter-final Christopher Hitchens Rock Scissors
Semi-final Germaine Greer Paper
Final Mr B. Laden Scissors Paper

In his first few weeks as Pope, Bergoglio made several surprising moves, including saying child abuse was out of line, and that the church should not be one of the richest organisations in the world, because that's probably not what Jesus would have wanted. Such actions have led liberal Catholics to believe he will be a progressivist pope, and have suggested that it is only a matter of time before he allows black lesbian abortionists to become priests.

See also[edit | edit source]

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