J. D. Vance
“I love him. He’s the only one who appreciates the Trail of Tears.”
J. D. Vance, born James Donald Bowman, later renamed as James David Hamel, currently goes as James David Vance, legally named Jorkin Depeanits Vance in the United States, legally named Jizzin Decouch Vance everywhere else, and now wanting to be called JD Vance (without dots), is an American hillbilly, senator, and future vice president of Donald J. Trump, who ran an amazing 2024 campaign in which Vance was totally irrelevant and had virtually no impact. Born in Ohio during the 1980s, Vance had already shown signs of an unstable mentality, worshipping the teachings of Peter Thiel so much that the FBI created a new cult just for him: Libertarianism.
With his background as the CEO of a venture capital firm, J. D. Vance understands how the ordinary working American feels, and is ready to speak to almost any (white) person as long as the initial investment is at least two million dollars.
Campaign as vice president[edit | edit source]
“I did NOT have sex with that latex glove stuffed in between two sofa cushions, and there are no video recordings that I am aware of. Besides, the sofa was really sexy, with nice rounded curves and slim legs. And that glove, still warm, wet and slippery from soap...”
In 2024, Trump decided to make Vance his VP, thinking he was Vin Diesel. Trump was especially happy when J. D. Vance called him "America's Hitler". Flattery can bring you anywhere. Also, calling Trump an "idiot", and not "a giant idiot", was a good move. Trump likes people who can tell the truth while pretending to be moderate and not blurt out everything. Truth is very, very important for Trump, and that is the truth, according to Trump. So after Trump sent a mob out to murder his last vice-president during the storming of the Capitol, J. D. Vance will now try his luck.
To prove that he is human, Vance went into a doughnut shop and talked to employees. This is a transcript of the conversations:
- “How long has this place been around?” "Four years" "OK"
- "How long have you been working here?" "Since the beginning of June" "OK, good"
- "How long have you been here?" "Almost two years" "OK, good"
- "So how long have you worked here?" (Mumbling answer) "OK"
Vance's main political cause belli during the election campaign was that he had heard a rumour about Haitians barbecuing and eating a cat in Springfield, Ohio. After many had pointed out that there is no reason to believe that the rumour has any connection with reality, Vance came up with a proof: he referred to a video of somebody of unknown ethnicity or nationality grilling some meat that looked like poultry, at some unknown time, somewhere in Dayton, Ohio. But at least there was a cat in the video. It was most definitely NOT being barbecued. (Although the aforementioned cat seemed a tad nervous...)
To further strengthen his proof, Vance pointed out that it cannot be disproved that some Haitian may at some time have eaten a cat in Springfield, Ohio. Likewise, it cannot be disproved that JD Vance eats his own snot when nobody is looking.
JD Vance is also very angry at childless cat ladies, like Taylor Swift. Somebody should tell him that his obsession about cats in general hasn't spread to everybody else.
- DISCLAIMER: Uncyclopedia profusely apologizes for being forced to include real facts from the real world. When somebody is so absurdly weird, it is difficult to come up with anything to top that.
“Women who are raped must be forced to have our babies.”
See also[edit | edit source]
| Democrat |
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| Republican |
Donald Trump & J. D. Vance • Ron DeSantis • Vivek Ramaswamy • Chris Christie • Nikki Haley • Asa Hutchinson • Mike Pence |
| Independent |
 | This article needs to be grown
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