J. D. Vance
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“I love him. He’s the only one who appreciates the Trail of Tears.”
“Women who are raped must be forced to have our babies.”
J. D. Vance, born James Donald Bowman, later renamed as James David Hamel, currently goes as James David Vance, legally named Jorkin Depeanits Vance in the United States, legally named Jizzin Decouch Vance everywhere else, and now wanting to be called JD Vance (without dots), is an American hillbilly, senator, and vice president under Donald Trump, who ran an amazing 2024 campaign in which Mr. Vance was totally irrelevant and had virtually no impact. Born in Ohio during the 1980s, Mr. Vance had already shown signs of an unstable mentality, worshipping the teachings of Peter Thiel so much that the FBI created a new cult just for him: Libertarianism.
With his background as the CEO of a venture capital firm, Mr. Vance understands how the ordinary working American feels, and is ready to speak to almost any (white) person as long as the initial investment is at least two million dollars.
Campaign
In 2024 Trump decided to make Mr. Vance his VP, thinking he was Vin Diesel. Trump was especially happy when Mr. Vance called him "America's Hitler". Flattery can bring you anywhere. Also, calling Trump "an idiot" (not "a giant idiot") was a good move. Trump likes people who can tell the truth while pretending to be moderate and not blurt out everything. Truth is very important for Trump, and that is the truth, according to Trump. So after Trump sent a mob out to murder his last vice-president during the storming of the Capitol, Mr. Vance will now try his luck.
To prove he's human, Mr. Vance went into a doughnut shop and talked to employees. This is a transcript of the conversations:
- "How long has this place been around?" "Four years." "Okay."
- "How long have you been working here?" "Since the beginning of June." "Okay, good."
- "How long have you been here?" "Almost two years." "Okay, good."
- "So how long have you worked here?" <mumbling> "Okay."
Mr. Vance's main casus belli during the election campaign was that he had heard a rumour about Haitians barbecueing and eating a cat in Springfield, Ohio. After many had pointed out that there is no reason to believe that the rumour has any connection with reality, Mr. Vance came up with a proof: he referred to a video of somebody of unknown ethnicity or nationality grilling some meat that looked like poultry, at some unknown time, somewhere in Dayton, Ohio. But at least there was a cat in the video. It was most definitely NOT being barbecued. (Although the aforementioned cat seemed a tad nervous ...)
To further strengthen his proof, Mr. Vance pointed out that it cannot be disproved that some Haitian may at some time have eaten a cat in Springfield, Ohio. Likewise, it cannot be disproved that Mr. Vance eats his own snot when nobody is looking.
Mr. Vance is also very angry at childless cat ladies, like Taylor Swift. Somebody should tell him that his obsession with cats in general hasn't spread to everybody else.
DISCLAIMER: Uncyclopedia profusely apologizes for being forced to include real facts from the real world.
When somebody's actually this weird, it takes a while to come up with anything to top it.
“I did NOT have sex with that latex glove stuffed in between two sofa cushions, and there are no video recordings that I am aware of. Besides, the sofa was really sexy, with nice curves and slim legs. And that glove – still warm and wet and slippery ...”
