J. D. Vance
“I love him. He’s the only one who appreciates the Trail of Tears.”
J. D. Vance, born James Donald Bowman, later renamed as James David Hamel, officially registered as James David Vance, now wanting to be called JD Vance (without dots), is an American hillbilly and senator who's Trump's running mate for the 2024 American presidential election. Born in Ohio during the 1980s, Vance had already shown signs of an unstable mentality, worshipping the teachings of Peter Thiel so much that the FBI created a new cult just for him called Libertarianism.
With his background as CEO in a venture capital firm, J. D. Vance understands how ordinary American workers feel, and is ready to speak to almost any white person as long as the initial investment is at least two million dollars.
“I did NOT have sex with that latex glove stuffed in between two sofa cushions, and there are no video recordings that I am aware of. Besides, the sofa was really sexy, with nice rounded curves and slim legs. And that glove, still warm, wet and slippery from soap...”
Campaign as vice president[edit | edit source]
In 2024 Trump decided to make Vance his VP, thinking he was Vin Diesel. Trump was especially happy when J. D. Vance called him "America's Hitler". Flattery can bring you anywhere. Also, calling Trump "idiot" and not "giant idiot", was a good move. Trump likes people who can tell the truth while pretending to be moderate and not blurt out everything. Truth is very, very important for Trump, and that is the truth, according to Trump. So after Trump sent a mob out to murder his last vice president during the storming of the Capitol, J. D. Vance will now try his luck.
To prove that he is human, Vance went into a doughnut shop and talked to employees. This is a transcript of the conversations:
- “How long has this place been around?” "Four years" "OK"
- "How long have you been working here?" "Since the beginning of June" "OK, good"
- "How long have you been here?" "Almost two years" "OK, good"
- "So how long have you worked here?" (Mumbling answer) "OK"
His main political cause during the election campaign was that he had heard a rumour about Haitians barbecuing and eating a cat in Springfield, Ohio. After many had pointed out that there is no reason to believe that the rumour has any connection with reality, Vance came up with a proof: He referred to a video of somebody of unknown ethnicity or nationality grilling some meat that looked like poultry, at some unknown time, in Dayton, Ohio. But at least there was a cat in the video. It was NOT being barbecued.
To further strengthen his proof, Vance pointed out that it cannot be disproved that some Haitian may at some time have eaten a cat in Springfield, Ohio. Likewise, it cannot be disproved that JD Vance eats his own snot when nobody is looking.
JD Vance is very angry at childless cat ladies, like Taylor Swift. Somebody should tell him that his obsession about eating cats hasn't spread to everybody else.
Uncyclopedia asks for apology for including real facts from the real world. When somebody is so absurdly weird, it is difficult to come up with anything to top that.
“Women who are raped must be forced to have our babies.”
See also[edit | edit source]
| Democrat |
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| Republican |
Donald Trump & J. D. Vance • Ron DeSantis • Vivek Ramaswamy • Chris Christie • Nikki Haley • Asa Hutchinson • Mike Pence |
| Independent |
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