UnNews:Kamala Harris announces shark as running mate
Tuesday, August 6, 2024
WASHINGTON -- After weeks of speculation – which included such names as astronaut-Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ), Pete Buttgig Buttigieg, Pennsylvania Governor Ben Josh Shapiro, and Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura Tim Walz – Vice President and presumptive Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris has finally announced her running mate.
Gov. Caitlyn Jaws (D-CO), 65, is a trans rights activist and retired actor best known as the shark from Steven Spielberg's Jaws. Her final role was as the shark that ate Samuel L. Jackson in 1999's Deep Blue Sea. In fact, before that movie was even made, Jaws decided to pull out, forcing the studio to hire a stunt double to fill in, but Jaws still got all the credit while the stunt double shark died an uneventful, painful death during filming.
"The last month [July] of this election coincided with a period in which one marginalized group should have been more visible – Shark Week and SharkFest," Harris reasoned. "For 200 million years, sharks have been wrongfully characterized as ruthless eating machines, but that's not the Caitlyn Jaws I know. She is a compassionate woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. She is nothing less than kind to children, animals and the elderly – especially our veterans. Sharks are people too!"
While this VP pick might be subject to a Supreme Court challenge, Chief Justice John Roberts told UnNews, "She's [Harris] right. Ain't no rule that says a shark can't run for Vice President. Sen. Jaws is at least 35, a natural born citizen, and has lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years. She satisfies all the qualifications."
Harris announced her running mate during a campaign stop at Martha's Vineyard, MA.
"I'm proud and humbled to run alongside Vice President Harris to take down Donald Trump," Jaws said. "Hey, Donald, you've been talking about my people a lot lately. Weren't not eating machines, but you still better watch your tuchus."
The response to the announcement has been overwhelming enthusiastic. Other vice presidents and running mates have chimed in:
“Back home we got a taxidermy man. He gonna have a heart attack when he see what I brung him.”
– Dick Cheney, before promptly having his own heart attack“Sen. Jaws has some serious bite. You don't wanna be in hot water with her around. She has all the qualities of a great leader. She's helped pass landmark bills.”
– Al Gore“I have a dorsal fin, too.”
“I'm glad to see another woman VP candidate, you betcha!”
“I didn't see that coming!”
“You say Caitlyn, I say Bruce. Potato, potatoe. Let's call the whole thing off. At least she's not a single mother like Murphy Brown.”
“Well, at least he's (sic) white.”
Actor and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger opined:
“Missed opportunity that we didn't get a Kamala–Ventura ticket. (Fun fact: Jesse Ventura's trainer was Eddie Sharkey.) But Kamala Harris and Caitlyn Jaws have the goods. They can, and will, deliver.”
The Democratic National Convention is slated for August 19–22. The election is November 5. Remember, remember that date.
