Bruced

Monkified (monkey fide) adj. The act of retaliating, exacting revenge or otherwise seeking reprisal on an employee who points out to management thief incompetence, ignorance, illegal business practices, disabeingly my hiring practices or any other short comings that management refuses to recognize as a problem or admit a mistake they made actually happened. "I don't want to say anything about that to my manager, if I do, I will probably get Monkified." "Be careful, you will get Monkified if you question the ability of the new hire."

History

King Henry displaying his opinion of Bruce of Dutchy's plan for better working conditions for the peasants

The first known use of the term "Bruced" came from King Henry VIII when he became angered at Mary Queen of Scots cousins uncles sisters best friend Lord Bruce of Dutchy and his questioning of King Henry's treatment of the peasants. This picture was painted just hours after King Henry "Bruced" the poor Lord by confiscating all of Lord Bruce's lands and forced the Lord to go to work at Henry's newly founded transportation company Henry's Express. Lord Bruce was given no authority to make any decision but was blamed for every problem that occurred, thus began the term "Bruced" by employees of Henry's Express whenever something went wrong and Lord Bruce was blamed.

"Monkified" the early years

King George II after returning from a night out of gambling and hookers

Around 1750 this term almost disappeared from the English language when Baron Von Bruce VandeMerde de la Lumbois visited England in search of a bride. The Baron's visit was not only personal, but also had great political implications for the King of England at that time, King George II ,as he desperately needed an infusion of foreign capital to buy back the crown jewels he pawned to support his prostitution and gambling addictions. Due to the Baron's limited knowledge of English as soon as he arrived the Baron became immediately offended as he heard members of the kings court joking around about how a local Lord was getting "Monkified", it was at this point that King George made a snap decision and tried to appease the Baron by bringing in some poor bastard named Bruce, who the Baron found out years later, had nothing to do with the joke.

The poor bastard that was drug in was Lord Bruce James a local Doctor who had begun the practice of Dentistry as an attempt to improve healthcare, well the King didn't bother to stop and ask questions he just had Lord Bruce drug to the castle and quickly beheaded, then the King decreed that the term "Monkified" never be used again under penalty of death and quickly asked the Baron for his money and advice. This event single handedly set back dentistry in Briton for almost 250 years as people feared to even remotely get involved in the field of dentistry for fear of getting "Monkified".

"Monkified" 1750-1800

For the next 8 billion years "Monkified" went underground and was not dare uttered aloud for fear of execution so that England could stay in the good graces of the Baron, but not really giving a crap about him. It seems that Baron Von Bruce VandeMerde de la Lumbois was an extremely powerful and influential man. Upon his return to Prussia the Baron decided that he really did not appreciate King Monkeh's explanation of events and soon found out some poor local chump had been executed just to appease him. The Baron took great offense at this and attempted to unite all of the Germanic city states into one powerful country so he could attack England for their affrontery.

Unfortunately his mixed background of French, Polish, Russian, German, Dutch and Belgian was not received well and he was unable to unite the Germanic lands as most Germans hate everyone except Germans. His failure to unite the lands embittered him and he launched a personal war of propaganda and misinformation designed to destroy England from within. Unfortunately for England, total mismanagement, an inability to admit mistakes, poor planning, apathy towards the populace, poor political and financial decisions and just plain stupidity allowed the Baron to inflict a series of devastating blows to the British Empire before they could even figure out what was going on. By the time England realized what the Baron was doing they had lost their American colony, their financial market had collapsed, their Navy and shipping was under constant piracy threat and Scotland was laughing at them.

The Baron offered a truce and assistance to England when confronted by the King of England in 1797, he had the finances to help England out of their devastating money problems, he had the political ties to return England's lost colonies to her, he had access to a vast labour pool of trained professionals capable of returning England to their once proud standing in the world marketplace and he had ties to the Piracy guild to call off the looting of English shipping, but England did what any good U.S. corporation would do and ignored all that and adopted a policy of revenge and retribution toward the Baron beginning with the reintroduction of the "Monkified" term, after all, England's pride was at stake, they couldn't possibly admit a mistake, how would it look to the rest of the world, just better to make millions of people suffer years of hardship and poverty instead of just immediately admitting failure and fixing the problem.

"Pooed on" 1800-1850

This period of history is better known as the Renaissance era for this term. During this time the term "Pooed on" went worldwide making its way completely around the globe by 1850. Of course, each country adopted its own version of the term and to this day many of these terms still exist. In Mexico locals called it "Pooed on", in Russia you got "Urined", in Scotland you often heard of getting "Podded" and even in the undeveloped countries of South America you could sometimes hear locals laugh at others misfortune as they got "Rar". All of these terms have the same basic meaning as getting "Pooed on" but each term developed their own personality and eventually came to mean slightly different things.

Getting "Monkified" in the industrial era

During the period from 1850 to 1900 the term "mUNKYFIDE" seemed to fade away into obscurity in England as they tried to distance themselves from the sins of their past and put things behind them. While England gravitated away from getting "Bruced" the term enjoyed a almost meteoric rise in the United States and became common terminology in the U.S. workforce by 1900. Workers commonly associated anyone named Bruce with hardship and retaliation and for many years prior to the turn of the century mothers avoided naming their children Bruce as the name seemed synonymous with pain and suffering. It was also during this period that the German city states began to unify under a common hatred of England and their affrontery to their now sainted hero Baron Von Bruce VandeMerde de la Lumbois.

Although England had repeatedly apologized for their stupidity, the Germans decided that an apology was unacceptable and directed their collective hatred toward France because everyone knows the French can't beat their way out of a wet paper bag, thus, on July 19th 1870 the Franco-Prussian war began. From the beginning of the war it became obvious the glorious soldiers of the Prussian army would kick the crap out of the French and quickly defeating them at every battle where the French actually showed up to fight. Within two short months the Prussian Army reached the outskirts of Paris and began their siege of the Capital city. The French Army, in response to Paris being surrounded quickly turned on each other and tried to confuse the Prussians by declaring a democracy and stating that everything had just been a big misunderstanding, followed by the new French salute of thrusting both hands in the air while running away from anyone carrying anything bigger than a pocket knife.

Once The Prussians finished lunch that day they entered Paris and offered an armistice. Finding the only French soldier still loyal to Napolean III, Private Jean Martiner de la Bruce of Bourgandy, they quickly sobered him up and had him agree to every term of surrender including the "Oui, nous detestons l'Angleterre aussi. Cette chose entiere de Bruced est impardonnable" (roughly translated as Yes, we hate the british too. That whole Bruced thing was deplorable) which the private signed but later stated he thought he was signing his divorce papers and didn't realize he surrendered France to the Prussian Army.

Getting "Bruced" 1900-1950

As a new dawn aged workers united to form Unions that would protect workers rights from big business determined to maximize profits at workers expense. Throughout the early part of the 20th century big business and workers clashed as workers actually wanted to earn a livable wage and live to see the next day while big businesses stance was "But I want to be even richer so I can have Ivory back scrubbers, I don't see what your whining about."

It was during this period of American history that business began to lose ground to the workers and they actually had to become responsible for their actions. In response to this a secret brotherhood emerged to adopt a singular policy to combat the workers rights. This secret policy was nothing new and had been in existence for nearly 500 years, thats right, this secret brotherhood adopted the "Bruced" policy, a policy that would be marked by retaliation, retribution, revenge and discrimination directed at anyone who spoke out against management or corruption by the company. This policy remained "Unofficial" until "The Great Depression" gripped the U.S. and left America and even the world in utter poverty. During the dark times from 1930 through 1939 most U.S. companies adopted the "Bruced" policy as gospel and many wrote it into their companies Hiring policies, as so many people were unemployed during the 30's anyone who could find a job would gladly accept getting "Bruced" as long as they got a paycheck. It wasn't until the outbreak of World War II when Big Business suddenly ran into a critical labor shortage.

Born out of this desperation for workers, big Business had to swallow their pride and actually treat workers with respect as they so painfully learned that if you piss off the last worker in town capable of doing the job, your screw yourself, you screw the company, you lose money and you yourself get "Bruced" as you watch the worker run over to your competitor that day and now get paid twice as much. Unfortunately, your only option is to have your management team work the floor and it was only then that Big Business figured out, "Hey that manager really is an ass-kissing dumbass incapable of independent thought, I would get more work out of my pet dog skippy."

Getting "Bruced" 1950-2000

Everyone Working for Modern Corporate America is familiar with the litanny of laws and rules designed to protect workers and avoid discrimination of any kind, such rules are in place to give the illusion of protection, however, this could not be further from the truth. It is during this modern era that the term "Bruced" has once again gone underground. In a surprising twist of fate Big Business has been helped to cover up the "Bruced" conspiracy by not only the Roman Catholic Church, but also the California State Board of Education and of all things the Texas Department of Transportation. As fantastic as this sounds Corporate America could not keep managers employed without their unofficial policy of employees getting "Bruced" to help cover up their managers incompetence, stupidity and discriminatory practices and keep employed an elite group of individuals who have no business breathing more less managing other people. As corporate America was on the verge of crushing the common man President Clinton dealt Corporate America a crushing blow in the 90's by actually PROTECTING the American worker with a series of laws designed to keep employers from retaliating against their workers.

These laws caught many companies off guard and led to a Golden Age for workers as pay skyrocketed, working conditions improved, workers were actually promoted for their contributions and capabilities and middle management in many companies unexplicably turned to competent, fair, intelligent, non-biased individuals who had both the companies and the employees best interests in mind, it was during this time that many Companies began to shy away from the covert help from the church and government and they secretly forged a powerful organization that, under the guise of a software company, rocketed to the single most powerful entity in the world that by the turn of the century did not even answer to the President of the United States. The name of this organization became so feared by even the NSA that even hushed whispers mentioning its name struck fear into the hearts of the most powerful men in the world. There is no official name of this organization and there is no single entity that will confirm its existence, however, unofficial reports mention the name as GYSOT Consultants.

There is no corporate headquarters for GYSOT, no stockholders, no known product or service and no location known. Looking up GYSOT consultants in your local phone book will only yield an 800 number that when called, forces you through a series of what appears to be inane questions, however these questions MUST be answered with key words and phrases to confirm not only your identity, but, what needs to be done to whom and how to do it. If GYSOT feels their intervention is needed a code word is given and information exchanged, it is this intervention that is most feared by employees because of its lightning speed, devastating results and total absence of employee rebutal, lawsuits, unemployment claims and a usual denial that the employee even existed. Victims of GYSOT are never heard from again and even the companies who requested the help from GYSOT never mention the employees name again for fear they will themselves be "Bruced" by GYSOT.

Getting "Bruced" in the 21st century

Most people feel that with the dawn of the 21st century that the human race would be enlightened enough to treat their fellow man with respect, kindness, decency and value, but, NOPE. With a new president in place and about 7 years of Corporate America adapting to the new employee protection rules introduced in the 90's, getting "Bruced" was elevated to near epic status. With GYSOT'S success and a general movement back to morons for managers a adversarial relationship grew between Managers and outspoken employees to the point that managers no longer hid the fact that employees were getting "Bruced" and openly defied employee rights laws. In the 90's deception and doublespeak were king when you needed to get someone "Bruced", but by 2005 companies openly "Bruced" critical employees without fear of retaliation as both State and U.S. Government agencies were slow to act on any claim, if they acted at all, as they were too busy defending themselves from frivolous lawsuits brought on by agents of GYSOT in an attempt to erode workers rights to the point that King Henry VIII would have been proud.