Bums
The Bum (pronounced "bum" originated from latin) is an interesting species of idiot that wanders the streets searching for goodies. They are most commonly found in New York, Amsterdam and Dolly Parton's breasts. Resourceful creatures, they have been known to have longer lifetimes than normal idiots and or addicts. They're surprisingly long lifespan and high standard of living comes from their ability to adapt to their surroundings. Whether it be finding a suitable shelter to protect them from the harsh winters or digging through the restaurants of pickier cooks whom will throw away a dish just cause they have one too many noodles on their spaghetti. (I've seen it happen)
History[edit | edit source]
Early history[edit | edit source]
The bum dates back to the beginnings of organized society when the first of mankind began to herd and farm. While most wanted to help out and become a productive member of this thing they decided to call a "society" there were the few who thought this idea would never work for several reasons, but mostly because they knew it would require doing stuff, and frankly they weren't up to the challenge. They claimed however, that it was because the theory of a cohesive society was inherently illogical and impossible due to man's innate desires for power and inability to avoid manipulation which would result in many wars and countless deaths. Psh, what do they know. Any who, these prehistoric hobos began to develop their own way of life. It consisted of doing mostly napping, and on occasion pooping.
As the eons passed very little changed in the average lifestyle of the bum, such as whether one can wipe their ass on Tuesday or Thursday, and that it is unsafe to pee in the barrel fire since the invention of hard liquor. Most notably, however, is their delightfully hypocritical attempts at creating order. Whether to mock the "world of silly people who wear undies" as they call society, or that, due to the fact that they can't afford pencils, never wrote down their history and have since forgotten why they became Bums in the first place. They first began creating a monarchy during the 1800's when Sally IV, tired of being ridiculed for his feminine name, rallied up his bum-buddies in the Eastern ghetto of London and took over the Western bums, who, to this day, will call anyone living on the east side of London, Sally. After Sally IVs successful take over, he crowned himself the first hobo lord, and ruled under the authority that he smelled worse than any other bum in London. No one really wanted to find out if this was true or not. This would not last long however, as the Eastern London Bums made preparations to overthrow Sally which would plunge Underground London into a 30 year war known as the Hobo Crusades.
The Hobo Crusades[edit | edit source]
The Eastern Bums launched their first offensive in 1812, which was an excellent political strategy on their part, as the War of 1812 diverted many people's attention from the bum society. Led by their king, Ham-Juice, they marched on the Western capital, which was comprised of a bunch of garbage organized in such a way that it looked very nice, as nice as garbage can look anyway. The first of several battles took place in an alleyway known as "The Two House Path" possibly named for its location between a warehouse and a whorehouse. Unfortunately, the first strike by Ham-Juice was an utter failure as his men were too distracted by the hookers to fight. The Western bums won this fight easily greatly aided by the knowledge that every one of the prostitutes had syphilis. Ham-Juice's luck didn't improve until 1815, when he struck a severe blow to the Westerners, who proclaimed themselves "Bâtards Odeures" in 1813 which translates loosely to Smelly Bastards.
Tipping the Scales[edit | edit source]
On the morning of November 17, 1815, approximately 25 bums quietly infiltrated from the rear of the Western Bum Capitol and charged the sleeping Bâtards screaming their war cry, "Oh la merda ho la sifilide!!" Which meant, "Oh shit I have syphilis!" and proceeded to kick down all their trashcans in an angry fashion. The Bâtards, having descended from silly French people, were too drunk to do anything and were soon driven out of their own capitol, which severely hurt moral for Sally's troops. He soon decided the only way to survive was to surrender to the Easterners, which set a precedent for all the French bums soon after (the French Army had known this extremely effective technique for centuries.) Ham-Juice's reign lasted for quite some time. It eventually fell apart as the other bums got bored and decided to go back to doing diddly-squat.
The Modern Bum[edit | edit source]
The Bum of today (also known as the "iBum") is, as I said, not much different. Their likes include booze, hookers and cardboard signs with catchy phrases. Their dislikes include syphilis, interestingly enough, and most other STD's. That's about it. Oh and they don't much care for rabbits, no one knows why.
Religion[edit | edit source]
Bums mostly worship fountains, as they have pennies in them, but some have been known to have more complex faiths, such as the famous hobo philosopher Jeff, who worshipped Danny deVito's penis.
The Future of the Bum[edit | edit source]
Thanks to United Way and other relentless monsters, the Bum is becoming an increasingly rare species. Their use of soup kitchens and donations is quickly eradicating entire families of Bums and there is no end in sight to this genocide. It seems that the future of the bum is grim. Unless they decide to do something about it, it would seem that the bums will soon be extinct. But hey, soup is really yummy.