Tim Kaine

Tim Kaine in the membrane! Tim Kaine in the brain!

Timothy Michael "Tim" Kaine (born February 26, 1958) is a Virginia politician. Kaine served as the 70th Governor of Virginia from 2006 to 2010, and was the chairman of the Democratic National Committee from 2009 to 2011. Commonly confused with the Grinch, his eyebrows are completely natural. He is probably best known for being the running mate for Hillary Clinton in 2016, or was that Tim Walz? Are they separate people? He is currently the Junior Senator from Virginia, heading the Senate Subcommittee on Dealing with the Chamber's Varmint Problem.

Kaine was previously known for pardoning Hitler and appearing in a infomercial for Botox that aired directly after the 2005 Presidential State of the Union.

Early life

Kaine was born in a Kentuckistan steelmill to two hardworking parents, or was that John Edwards? It's hard to tell sometimes.

Anyway, faith played a major role in Tim Kaine's early life, ultimately leading him to betray his country and flee to Columbia as a Catholic missionary. There he would discover his true purpose: sinking tons of taxpayer dollars into broken school systems, in this case, literally broken ones, as in, schools actively on fire or buried under landslides. While working with the simple people of Columbia taught Kaine to respect all living things, the somewhat more complicated drug lords of Columbia taught him that abortion is necessary in order to avoid having to pay child support. Thus, a Democrat was born.

Early career

Lawyer to Mayor to Non-Military Lt.

After returning to the states, Kaine completed a law degree and married a human female, both of which had recently become requirements for political office in the state. Kaine was briefly crowned mayor of Richmond, which at the time mainly meant that he was the person who managed to stay at city council meetings the longest. During this time he played a major role in "Project Exile" an innovative program whereby illegal immigrants were given guns in exchange for getting the hell out of our proud nation. The position of mayor was at that time was mostly titular, leaving Kaine with so much free time that he was also able to take on the job of Lt. Governor as well. Much like the position of Dogcatcher in an all-lesbian Provincetown, this position also had no real duties or purpose.

Governor

Race for Governor

Just watch out for the guns, they'll get ya

In 2005, Kaine ran for Governor against then Attorney General Jerry Kilgore. Starting from nearly 20 percentage points behind, Kaine managed to baby-kiss his way to victory in both points and by KO.

Hitler

Throughout the campaign, Kilgore repeatedly pointed out Kaine's lax stance on the death penalty, and issue which came to a boil when it was discovered that as Lieutenant Governor, Kaine had actually pardoned no less than his idealogical soulmate Adolf Hitler (read: birds of a feather). Unfortunately, Kilgore made far too big of a deal about this, leading Republican Senator George Allen to accidentally campaign for Kaine: a mistake which most observers conclude handed Kaine the election. Either that, or the fact that Kilgore's choice of campaign colors, orange and black, made his lawn signs look like city ordinances about contaminated drinking water.

Eyebrows

In the course of the campaign, it was discovered that unlike normal human beings, Kaine's eyebrows can move when he speaks, which caused popular Virginia conservative blogs to prematurely declare victory. Surprisingly, despite countless blog jokes and photoshop contests, the people of Virginia still decided that it would be a lot easier to deal with Kaine's roving eyebrow for 4 years than having to spend that time listening to a guy (Kilgore) that sounded like the Pink Panther's gay uncle.

State of the Union Response

In 2006, Kaine was called upon to deliver the State of the Union response for the Democrats. Unfortunately, Hillary Clinton's big fat fingers smudged out the address on the envalope, and Kaine ended up delivering the response to the National Zoo instead where in a tragic mishap he was artificially inseminated and gave birth to the first live human-panda hybrid. Or he would have, if he hadn't had... AN ABORTION.

Senator

Tim Kaine became a Senator at some point. Historians forgot to write the exact details as to why and how. We can assume he won an election? It's hard to tell sometimes.

Failed Vice Presidential candidate

Hillary Clinton, who was by then the most radical, revolutionary candidate for President the U.S. had ever seen (being an old white wo-man instead of an old white man), needed someone with the general vibe of a tube of ClearZal foot cream to complement her campaign. After the Clinton-Kaine ticket lost the 2016 Presidential election to Donald Trump, Tim Kaine was chucked into the nearest garbage bin. Unfortunately, the American electorate was unimpressed with Tim "Insane in the Membrane" Kaine and his folksy, can-do attitude and benign whiteness.

The Democrats would later try this strategy again in 2024, this time with Tim Walz, a different person (maybe), just to see if two time's the charm.

Post-campaign career

Kaine, still a Senator, decided to fully dedicate his energy into being a Senator, vowing never to run as President or Vice-President ever again, the way an alcoholic seconds from dying of cirrhosis vows never to touch the bottle.

In 2018, Kaine was reelected to a second term, defeating a Vietnamese man named Hung Cao. Laugh it up, but it's completely true! Polling showed that Virginia voters couldn't trust a candidate they perceived to be a transsexual bovine, and despite ads from the Cao Campaign stating that Cao was in fact a human male named "Hung Cow" (more or less), Kaine won handily. Kaine won a third term in 2024, again defeating Hung Cao, although polls were so close Tim Kaine had to run ads saying, "Why isn't he called Hung Bull? What is he hiding?"

In the scant seconds he has been given media attention since, he has leaned into the joke that people can't quite tell him apart from Tim Walz. Maybe that makes him endearing, I don't know, it's hard to really have an opinion on Tim Kaine.

See also

• Tim Walz
• Mitt Romney