Ted Cruz

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  • Ted Cruz
Crusader of Faith and Justice, c. 2011
Photo has not been retouched
  • Heaven's Chosen One
ResidenceHorny Jail
OccupationChristian Soldier, Zodiac Killer
Notable workMcCarthyism II, Rabies & Bunnies[1]

Rafael Edward "Lyin' Ted" Cruz (born December 22, 1970) is the junior United States Senator for the state of Texas and occasional actor. He has been certified as absolutely sane and spineless by the Republican National Panel of Impartial Sanity Testers, and possesses an especially-remarkable shit-eating grin. He is definitely without any doubt totally a lizard person who eats Mexican babies. He ran for President in 2016, but as we all expected, he wasn't even nominated. Why he even bothered trying is not clear, as everyone knows that he can't be President: he was born in Canada.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, where his parents, Eleanor Elizabeth Wilson Darragh and Rafael Bienvenido "Howdy" Cruz, owned an honest, trustworthy, seismic-data processing firm for oil drillers.

The apple doesn't fall far from the Paranoia Tree[edit | edit source]

Cruz's father was born in 1939 in Matanzas, Cuba. According to an interview with impartial reporter Robert T. Garrett of the fair and balanced Dallas Morning News, "Howdy Cruz suffered beatings, torture, decapitation and imprisonment for protesting the oppressive regime" of dictator Fulgencio Batista. He fought for Communist revolutionary Fidel Castro in the Cuban Revolution when he was twelve years old, but later regretted his actions because "I didn't know who Castro was, or that he was a Communist, or that I was living in Cuba."

A young Howdy Cruz, shown attempting to squeeze pennies out of his own rectum

In 1957, at the age of fourteen, the elder Cruz fled Cuba, swimming nonstop from Havana to Austin with only two pennies hidden in his rectum. After arriving in Texas with no knowledge of English, basic math, or how to chew food with a closed mouth, he picked himself up by his bootstraps and enrolled in the University of Texas. Working his way through college as a dishwasher on a two-cent-a-week salary, he earned a degree in mathematics. Howdy is currently a member of the Board of Directors and is the CFO and pastor at Life Ways MegaMcChurch in Carrollton, Texas, a non-racist Dallas suburb. He loved America so much he became a U.S. citizen in 2005.

Cruz's mother was born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware, in a family of North Irish and South Irish descent. She was the first person in her family to attend college, earning a degree in mathematics from Rice University in Houston. She later worked in Houston as a computer programmer at Shell.

Cruz has said, "I'm a mix of Cuban, North Irish, South Irish, Scottish, English, Sicilian, Italian, Comanche, Eskimo, French, German and yet somehow I ended up Southern Baptist."

Cruz's parents returned to Houston in 1974, after working in the Alberta oil fields, when Obama single handedly created a slump in the price of oil by traveling back in time because he had a personal vendetta against Howdy Cruz.

Education[edit | edit source]

Cruz attended high school at Baptist Faith West Academy in Katy, Texas, a totally non-racist suburb of Houston and later graduated from Second Baptist High School in Houston as super-valedictorian in 1988. During school, Cruz participated in a Houston-based group called the Southern Baptists for Free Market Education Foundation a nonpartisan, ultra open-minded program run by Pastor Rolland Storey previously of Landover Baptist Church. Cruz entered the program at the age of 5, with only two pennies hidden in his rectum and not knowing any English or basic math after swimming nonstop from Cuba to Katy, TX.

Cruz graduated ultra-super-magna cum laude from Princeton University, with a Bachelor of Arts from the Woodrow P. Wilson School of Public Communications and International Affairs, in 1992. While at Princeton, he competed in several debate panels, honing his skills as a logical, coherent thinker. In 1992, he was named Grand Master at the 1995 World Universities Debating Championship. Only one other person has received this prestigious award: Howdy Cruz was awarded Grand Master two years prior, all while not knowing any English and having two pennies super-glued to his penis.

Helter Skelter! Dee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee! Helter Skelter! Dee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee-nee!

Cruz's senior thesis was on the separation of powers, titled "Paranoia Is Good for America". It draws its inspiration from a quote attributed to Charles Manson: "Hick pat paroke adit ep mucachung!" Cruz argued that the drafters of the Constitution were all Southern Baptists who fled England to escape African Muslims hell-bent on feeding Southern Baptists to lions. Cruz wrote: "My father escaped British Communist rule by swimming from England to Plymouth Rock, nonstop. With only two pennies hidden under his eyelids, he managed to pick himself up by his bootstraps and graduate with a degree in math from the University of Texas at Plymouth Rock. Hick pat paroke adit ep mucachung!"

After graduating from Princeton, with only two pennies surgically sewn to his colon, Cruz enrolled in Harvard Law School. Despite not knowing any English, and after having swum nonstop from Havana to Massachusetts, he graduated super-duper-hyper-mega-magna cum laude in 1995 with a Juris Prudence Detectorit. While at Harvard Law, Cruz was a primary editor of the Harvard Law Journal, executive editor of the Harvard Lawyer Journal and founding editor of the Harvard Journal of Law.

Referring to Cruz's time as a student at Harvard, Law Professor Alan Dershowitz said, "Cruz was off-the-charts, super brilliant! I've never met anyone with such intelligence! He makes Einstein look mentally challenged! He could process and interpret law better than anyone alive! The fact that he could do all that being the son of a poor Cuban immigrant who swam to the United States with a single dollar stapled to his tongue who managed to graduate from UT with a math degree while not even knowing any English and not being able to talk because he had a dollar stapled to his tongue is simply amazing!"

Cruz currently serves on the Board of Advisors of the Southern Baptists Interpreters of Law and Politics for the State of Texas.

Super Lawyer[edit | edit source]

Clerkships[edit | edit source]

Cruz served as a law clerk to J. Michael Fox of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit in 1995 and William Rehnquist, Chief Justice of the United States in 1996. Cruz was the first batshit crazy Hispanic ever to clerk for a Chief Justice of the United States.

Private practice[edit | edit source]

After Cruz finished his clerkships, he took a position with Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Carvin, Waterhouse, Porter, Porter & Rosenthal, and fought tirelessly for truth justice and the Southern Baptist Way.

In 1998, Cruz served as private counsel for Congressman John Boehner during Boehner's lawsuit against Congressman Obama for being black.

Bush Administration[edit | edit source]

“I was never happier than when Bush was the president. Excuse me, I mean the presidents!”

Cruz joined the Bush–Cheney campaign in 1999 as a Propaganda Coordinator, advising then-Governor George W. Bush on a wide range of ideas to sucker religious zealots into "voting their conscience". During his stint as PC, he told Bush the story of how his father swam across the Pacific Ocean from Mongolia to Austin, Texas, and how, with only two dollars sewn to his liver and not knowing how to speak any language at all, he managed to graduate from the University of Texas with a math degree.

Cruz assisted in assembling the Bush legal team and devising a strategy for filing with the Supreme Court of Florida and U.S. Supreme Court the specific case of Bush v. Gore during the 2000 Florida presidential recounts, leading to two successful decisions for the Bush team. "This day is truly a great day for Southern Baptists!" he told a reporter with Fox News.

After President Bush took office, Cruz served as an associate deputy attorney general in the U.S. Justice Department and as the director of policy planning at the U.S. Federal Trade Commission.

Texas Solicitor General[edit | edit source]

Anointed to the office of Solicitor General of Texas by Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott, Cruz served in that position from 2003 to 2008.

Cruz has authored more than 800,000 U.S. Supreme Court briefs, and has presented 43,000 oral arguments, including nine before the United States Supreme Court. Cruz's record of having wasted much taxpayer's money before the Supreme Court is more than any practicing lawyer in Texas or any current member of Congress. Cruz has commented on his nine cases in front of the U.S. Supreme Court: "We ended up year after year arguing some of the biggest cases in the world. There was a degree of serendipity in that, but there was also a concerted effort to seek out and lead conservative fights to homogenize and clean up our country."

In the landmark case of District of Columbia v. Heller, Cruz drafted the amicus brief signed by attorneys general of all of the dirty southern states, which recommended that the government purchase handguns for all school children, excepting girls, minorities and non-Christians, and which further noted that those children who choose not to own (and fire) handguns are infringing upon the Second Amendment rights of others.

The Texas Death Chair: Kills folks dead!

In addition to his success in Heller, Cruz has successfully defended the constitutionality of Texas' right to choose an official, state-sanctioned Christian religion before the Fifth Circuit and the U.S. Supreme Court, finally winning a 9-0 decision in the under-card battle of Sanity vs. Rick Perry.

Cruz authored a U.S. Supreme Court brief for all 50 states, successfully defending the right to persecute other non-Christian faiths in public schools, winning 9-0 in Mule Ass ISD vs. Rick Perry.

Cruz served as lead counsel for the state and successfully defended the multiple litigation challenges to the 2003 "Texas Congressional Redistricting Plan to Marginalize the Nigruhs and Illegal Mexicans" in state and federal district courts and before the U.S. Supreme Court, winning 9-0 in League of Sane American Citizens vs. Rick Perry..

Cruz also successfully defended, in Amnesty International vs. Texas, the State of Texas against an attempt by the International Court of Justice to re-open any suspicious criminal convictions of 587 murderers on death row throughout the state of Texas.

Cruz has been named by Texas Lawyer Magazine as the Best Litigator in America. The National Law Journal lists him as the Super Bestest Most Influential Lawyer in America. White Conservative Male Digest awarded him the title of "The Best Credit to His Race Award" every year since 1996.

"All I've ever wanted to do is make all the Texas bigots proud of me. Did I tell you the story of how my father immigrated from Cuba by swimming across the Atlantic ocean?" he stated in an interview with Texas Klansman Today.

Private Practice[edit | edit source]

Cruz portrays Kevin Malone in his private time.

After leaving the Solicitor General position in 2008, he worked for the private law firm of Pate & Pate in Houston. The oppressive heat and humidity fried his brain and contributed to already evident paranoia and early dementia. "He would come to work with a shit-eating grin and it would be on his stupid face all day. It was like working with some kind of psycho, Pat Robertson weirdo! I was scared!" recalls a fellow lawyer.

At Pate & Pate he successfully led the firm’s lawsuit against paying illegal immigrants for work already completed. He was key in pioneering a Texas law that makes it legal for Texas construction companies to hire undocumented immigrants from Mexico and not pay them as long as the company calls the INS to have them deported after the work is done. "Truly this is for the prosperity of both parties," he said with a shit-eating grin to the Houston Chronicle.

2012 Elections[edit | edit source]

Cruz's election has been described by the Washington Post as “the best thing to ever happen to a state full of fat, paranoid, angry bigots...a true grassroots victory against sanity.”

On January 19, 2011, after U.S. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison said she would not seek reelection due to her views against women in power, Cruz announced his candidacy via a blogger conference call. In the Republican senatorial primary, Cruz ran against sitting Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst.

Cruz was endorsed by several prominent people and organizations such as the Texas Club for Theocracy; Erick Erickson, editor of prominent conservative blog RedState; Pastor Cash of North Richland Hills MegaMcChurch; John Schnatter, owner of Nasty John's Pizza; Westboro Baptist Church; Rupert Murdoch; Glenn Beck; Rush Limbaugh and the Lord's Resistance Army; Fox News; the Sundown Town Party; the Tea Party; the Board of Directors of Halliburton; the Board of Directors at Exxon Mobile; the Koch Brothers; Executive Outcomes; Academi, formerly Blackwater; Boy Scouts of America; Save Our Children; and Young White Pride of Texas.

Common Goals

He was also heavily endorsed by Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Michelle Malkin, Jerry Falwell Jr., Elisabeth Hasselbeck, George W. Bush, Jeb Bush, Columba, George P. Bush, Noelle Lucila Bush, Laura "Pickles" Bush, Jenna Bush and the other one, Neil Bush, Marvin Bush, Dorothy Bush Koch, Nancy Bush-Ellis, Jonathan S. Bush, William H.T. Bush; and former U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania Rick Santorum.

Cruz won the runoff for the Republican nomination with a 14-point margin over Dewhurst. In the November 6 general election, Cruz faced Democrat Paul Sadler, an attorney and a former state representative from Henderson, Texas. Cruz won (100%) to Sadler's (0%). Cruz got 40% of the Hispanic vote although most Hispanics didn't know he was so batshit stupid and later regretted voting for an "asshole".

Political positions[edit | edit source]

Senator Cruz's pet crocoduck, which he uses at stump speeches and town-hall meetings to demonstrate the potential evils of homosexual reproducktion

Cruz runs on a carefully-crafted anti-gay, anti-feminism, anti-Hispanic, anti-African-American, anti-medicine, anti-science, anti-education, anti-government, anti-technology, anti-Muslin, anti-Catholic, anti-Hindu, anti-Sikh, anti-Buddhist, and anti-Semitic platform, constructed solely of oak planks cut and planed by blind Baptist preachers. The platform is carried from city to city in a C-130 transport plane specially modified for the purpose, and is occasionally put on display for the benefit of true believers.

Ted Cruz is absolutely sane!

Cruz is a passionate follower of the Second Amendment; on March 25, 2013, Cruz and U.S. Senators Rand Paul and Mike "General" Lee threatened to buttfuck each other on the lawn of the Texas Governor's Mansion if any legislation that would entail any type of gun control, such as background checks, was approved. Alarmed state assembly members dropped all plans for such legislation, and promised never to bring it up again.

Regarding foreign policy, in 2004, he criticized Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry for being "against defending Texas and white southern Baptists by actually going to Vietnam to fight and not staying in Texas to defend us from the invading Gulf Coast Vietcong like Bush did."

Cruz is an advocate and Platinum Level Tither of Westboro Baptist Church and donates heavily to their cause. Cruz made a 2 million dollar tax deductible donation last year to the church via his offshore accounts. "I believe they are doing the right thing and fighting for a right America," Cruz told the Houston Chronicle.

Cruz supports Brexit[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], something which he has tried to hide, but the likelihood of us believing that he doesn't is essentially the same as anyone's chances of finding Alton Towers in Hampshire.

Shut it Down 2013![edit | edit source]

In the summer of 2013, Cruz embarked on a hell bent, balls-to-the-wall, nationwide tour sponsored by The Koch Brothers to promote a congressional effort to defund the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act by pouting and crying like a little sissy-bitch.

On September 24, 2013, Cruz began a speech on the floor of the Senate regarding the Affordable Care Act, in an effort to prevent the passing of a resolution to fund the government and avert a government shutdown. Cruz promised to keep speaking until he was "no longer able to stand"—which two online Spanish newspapers mistranslated as "no longer able to get an erection". According to witnesses, Cruz maintained his twenty-one hour and nineteen-minute filibuster by urinating into empty water bottles, the palm of his hand, and the area directly around the podium—a deviation from his normal routine of urinating into his own pockets. Cruz now stands in fourth place on the Senate's historical futility list; several Senate observers noted, with some sadness, that if he had continued speaking for a mere three hours longer, he would have broken the record currently held by the late Strom Thurmond, and would have thus secured a lifetime supply of free Nasty John's Pizza.

Some highlights from Cruz's filibuster:

  • "You have to remember: America is a Muslim Nation. I mean, a Christian nation!"
  • "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."
  • "Obama is a Negro!"
  • "When you have a fire in an aircraft, there's no place to go, exactly, there's no—and you can't find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don't open. I don't know why they don't do that. It's a real problem."
  • "Education is the work of Satan!"
  • "My father swam across every ocean in the world with only two dollars jammed into his urethra. He couldn't speak any language. He was deaf and blind and unable to walk, but damn it! He picked himself up by his bootstraps and became a millionaire before his twenty-first birthday. Now Obama wants to take away his hard-earned money!"
Senator Cruz, shown keeping an eye out for illegal Canadian immigrants attempting to make off with free healthcare

Cruz was the major force behind the U.S. government shutdown in 2013. He delivered a message on October 11, 2013 to fellow Republicans against accepting Obamacare and describing it as a "train wreck", stating "the Negro in the White House is causing enormous harm to the economy!"

Being a Token is Hard Work[edit | edit source]

Paranoid Cuban American GOP Token!? That's my job!

Republican strategist Mike Murphy stated, "Cruz is the best thing to happen to our party. He has the balls to say what we are all thinking." After a deal was made to end the shutdown and to extend the debt-ceiling deadline, Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell said of Cruz, "See! We got us a half Spic in the GOP! Why does everybody think we're all a bunch of old, white bigots who pine for the days of segregation!? We're a party of inclusiveness!" Cruz responded, “I'm touched by Master McConnell's praise. He calls me his little, young brown example of inclusiveness." Fellow batshit paranoid Republican Marco Rubio was quick to point out that he was the current "house spic". Both he and Cruz began fighting like two little spoiled sissy-bitches until McConnell reassured them that they were both important tokens of the GOP.

"But I'm all Hispanic. Cruz is just half!" Rubio said to McConnell.

"That's right! That makes him one half better than you!" McConnell countered.

Cruz then gave Rubio a shit-eating smirk.

Speculation for Higher Office[edit | edit source]

Cruz is the Republican front runner for President in 2016. On March 14, 2013, Cruz gave the keynote speech at Santa Fe Baptist Church in Santa Fe, TX, a totally non-racist suburb of Houston, announcing his plans to seek the highest office.

Cruz planned several speaking events for the summer of 2013 across Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Arkansas, South Carolina, North Carolina, Kentucky and Florida with stops in Arizona, Indiana, Utah and Wyoming, basically most of Jesusland. He did not schedule and events in Texas because they "are smart enough to not vote for the unholy!"

Even though Cruz was born in Canada, Master McConnell has said that the constitution can easily be changed to allow any good, white-looking, southern Baptist to hold the office regardless of where he is from!

Get Down in Threat Town[edit | edit source]

A Twitter user with the now-deleted handle @ArmyVet54, who claimed to have served in the U.S. Navy, Army, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard, posted Cruz’s Houston home address, and made several ominous statements, including, "Take down Ted Cruz, at his home," "What goes around comes around CRUZ", and "Ted Cruz, I'm going to rip out your colon with an electric hedge-clipper! (This tweet is private, right?)"

Cruz is Rapture Ready! Are you?

Regarding the matter, Cruz said, "I and my wonderful Baptist family are not at all worried. Harm cannot come to us, as no one can harm those who will be raptured. Also, my mansion is heavily guarded by the spirit of my father, who swam from Cuba all the way to Manila in the Philippines with nothing but a single penny tied to his erection."

Personal life[edit | edit source]

Platinum Level Tither!

Cruz and his wife, Heidi Cruz, have two daughters. Cruz met his wife while working on the George W. Bush presidential campaign of 2000. Cruz's wife is currently head of Rights for Southern Baptists and works for Goldman, Sachs & Co. She was Condoleezza Rice's right-hand man and religious consultant. She was also an offshore investment banker in New York. Heidi is also a platinum level tither to Westboro Baptist Church and coordinates the church's regular protests at the funerals of gay soldiers who lost their lives in battle.

Cruz also loves the practice of being the Zodiac Killer and denying it.

See also[edit | edit source]

  • Vladimir Putin, who, like Cruz, also tried and failed to hide his support for Brexit

Sources[edit | edit source]

  1. [www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufGlBv8Z3NU 1st Republican Debate 2015 Highlights]