South Carolina

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Confederate State of South Carolina
Semiautonomous Viceroyalty of But I Thought Jesus Said It Is Ok To Beat Your Slavestan
Sccsa.png LindseyGraham.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: In God, all rich Christian white males are created equal.
Anthem: No official anthem; various proposed
Graham Bless the C.S.A.! or Dixie Is My Daddy
CapitalMontgomery, Alabama and Richmond, Virginia
Largest cityJesus Was White-topia
Official language(s)4th grade English
‑ Our Dear and Most Beloved SenatorLindsey Graham
State animalThe rare Clemson tiger
State enemiesAlabama football fans
National Hero(es)Billy Hill, Kevyn Ken Kindle (also commonly known by his initials), Jimmy Crowford, Caucasian Jesus, Paul Meadow
CurrencyCS dollar
Religion2nd Amendmentism. Minority religions: Christianity, Confederatism
Population3,300,000 (60% Clemson fans and 30% stupid people)
Major exportsSpineless congressmen
Major importsGuns, Bibles

South Carolina, officially the self-declared Confederate State of South Carolina, is a semi-independent viceroyalty in North America. It was founded off the ideals of racism and inequality following its secession from the United States in 1861 which was in response to the drastic measures taken by President Lincoln to strip the South Carolinian people of their God-given liberty to not let black people have liberty, the very fundamental principle also known as "states' rights". South Carolina is known for its beaches, palmetto trees and its 100% ownership of automatic rifles from the industrial complex that proudly supports Senator Lindsey Graham, who was sent by God to save the world from satanic justice warriors who despise unborn children.

History[edit | edit source]

Precolonial[edit | edit source]

South Carolina was first inhabited by Native American tribes, the largest being the Cherokee and the Catawba. Other tribes, such as the Apalachee, Yuchi, and the Yamasee, lived along the coast and west. Since many of the tribes have exotic and forgettable names, they can also be commonly referred to collectively as "Savages", "Indians", "Pocahontases" and "2% Elizabeth Warrens", terms adopted by scholars from Prager University.

Colonial[edit | edit source]

Europeans first settled the area in 1629 as a colony of Great Britain. This was due to the overcrowding of plantation owners in the Caribbean. The overcrowding was so bad, in fact, it caused some of the islands to capsize, the most notorious example being Guam in 1628 whose capsize resulted in the death of half a million people, their wives, and a bunch of Africans. In response to the grave tragedy, Great Britain compensated the survivors and others losing business on other islands in the region with a new colony: the Province of South Carolina. The first town in South Carolina, Charleston, was founded in 1670, named after Charles the Fat of Wellington. The ton part of the name is not a prefix for "town"; rather it describes Charles the Fat's "ton" of weight. During the colonial years, South Carolina was the largest importer of African slaves among the Thirteen Colonies. This resulted in twenty trillion slaves living in South Carolina by 1672. This great influx of Africans concerned the South Carolinians. With this many slaves on their land, thought the locals, the weight could be so massive that it could cause the land to sink down all the way to China. After a few minutes however, they just went "meh" and carried on with their day hunting deer and ducks while praising the Lord. Though South Carolina did not end up sinking into the Earth's crust, disaster was still waiting to happen.

In 1678 the African-Americans finally decided that being slaves kind of sucked. A mass revolt of angry slaves, or the Stono Rebellion, was launched from the Stono River in northern South Carolina. They tore through every white village in South Carolina and parts of northeastern Georgia that was directly southward of their march, and massacred thousands of white people in the process in a game some of the perpetrators called "White Cracker", only to be defeated by white militias who were protected by God with the liberty to own some badass guns in the name of freedom. After the rebellion was quelled, the colonists learned a valuable lesson: don't have too many black people on your land or else you will be murdered. This, surprisingly enough, is still a core belief among South Carolinians to this very day.

Following the rebellion, white people continued to own slaves. White people just didn't seem to understand African-Americans don't like being enslaved because they mistook the entire bloody rebellion as a casual sport Africans play in their brutal and savage continent. Regardless, because of slavery, South Carolina became one of the wealthiest colonies.

Revolutionary War[edit | edit source]

After the colonists got pissed off over taxes, the British seized Charleston. They met some slaves left behind by their responsible slaveowners and recruited them into the British Army to help fight against the colonists. The slaves had a very ineffective fighting style they called "gorilla warfare" which was essentially the African version (synonymous for "unsophisticated") of guerrilla warfare, which on the contrary colonists used to fight against the British Army. The colonists lost a ton of battles against the British who were winning for 57 and half hours until all of a sudden the British saw their arses getting kicked out of Charleston.

Statehood[edit | edit source]

In 1776 the South Carolinians wasted no time making the Constitution of South Carolina. It held that only the cool people could make political decisions because God gave them the right. But the lame people didn't like that so much, so they made their own versions of Christianity that seemed to endorse more communist principles than the dominant (Anglican) church in the state. According to these assholes who later went to Hell for their blasphemous heresy, God loved everybody equally, even women, palmetto trees and slaves.

South Carolina joined the Union in 1788, although many South Carolinian historians consider this to be the second greatest mistake in history right after nailing Jesus to the Cross. By doing so, their sovereignty was absolutely destroyed. The central government didn't give a shit about states' rights and even sent military raids to stop the South Carolinians from using their God-given right to nullify any of their stupid ass laws they didn't have any interest in following. John C. Calhoun, the 69th Archdick of South Carolina, argued that South Carolina was okay with following laws unless if they didn't feel like it and if they didn't get there way they could leave. Abraham Lincoln was like, "No, that's some stupid shit Imma invade your dumbasses and you gonna follow my rules."

Secession and War[edit | edit source]

This had the South Carolinians pissed off with the government big time. The last straw came in when Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President, said, "If you're a racist, then I'll attack you with the north." This was the last straw. The South Carolinian government was like, no. So they seceded from the Union. Abraham probably didn't notice that the CSA even existed at this point, because he was totally dumbfounded when some radical white people confiscated some of his ships at Fort Sumderp and dumped his Lincoln Logs into the sea. This made Lincoln mad. "How dare thou dump my Lincoln Logs into the sea, that is disrespectful to my family name!" And so the American Civil War started.

A bunch of other southern states followed suit with South Carolina in joining the Confederacy. Montgomery, Alabama, became the capital of this new and badass country which became known as the Confederate States of Jesustan. Abraham Lincoln responded to this madness by invading those racists with the north as he promised before. In doing so, he would emancipate all slaves and avenge his precious Lincoln Logs. During the CSA times, many ethnic Alabamians moved to South Carolina, which partly explains why South Carolina has such a racist culture today. Many slaves joined their masters to maintain their slave status. After all, they loved their masters. But the ones who didn't fought against the Confederacy. There were a few shots here and there but eventually the Union beat the shit out of the Confederacy and ultimately South Carolina won the war figuratively because they were the actual winners. They may have lost their slaves, but in their hearts, slavery still existed.

Aftermath[edit | edit source]

South Carolina prospered alongside the United States, becoming more free than its neighbor ever was. White people could get endlessly rich and buy their way up to Heaven. Meanwhile, in North Carolina, everybody was smoking tobacco and flying airplanes that ended up making Pearl Harbor possible.

Geography[edit | edit source]

South Carolina is flat, being home to the Great Palmetto Forrest of Happiness which takes up ten million percent of the land. On its east coast are a bunch of beaches that are home to memorials of brave slaveowners who fought for freedom during the Civil War. The longest river in South Carolina is the great Pee Dee River.