Southern Baptists

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Divine Retribution Control Center

Southern Baptists' are the unfortunate victims of a debilitating congenital birth defect called Southern Baptist Syndrome (SBS). Common among inbred mouth-breathing low-brows who mainly inhabit the mosquito-infested lowlands of the southern U.S., particularly areas like Mississippi and Washington, DC.

Southern Baptists are in a perpetual state of terror because they fear that they will suffer Divine Retribution over something or other that they have done.

Southern Baptists are perpetually hopeful that other people will suffer divine retribution because they believe that Non-Baptists lead very sinful lives. Southern Baptists look forward to watching from heaven as sinners are tormented in Hell. And for those who are watching; we really did flesh this up for those who are on Anointed Writers Spotlight bantering as one of them from the King James Only sect got owned about The Book Of Esther.


A Southern Baptist prays really, really hard. His prayer answered when he revealed, "So there was a big bang, let's not make a joke of ourselves with the young earth nonsense. It's not possible there's no way. I wish Ken Ham would shut up." Sneaking middle finger aka a message known as Jehovah Sneaky. The Impure Digit as Rome would call this gesture, Caligula suggested his people to kiss it..

See also Tourette's, Schizophrenia and Mental illness. Church related symptoms can include the following,

  1. They shout, scream wave arms and legs about in church.
  2. They roll about on a church floor after being slain in the spirit. (Assemblies of God is more accurate about this practice too. The Word-faith movement was the bastard son of the congregation.)
  3. They handle snakes, get snakebites and refuse medical help trusting in God instead. That's the darker side of both the King James Only Movement and a practice Pentecostals became medically aware then disowned.
  4. They sometimes die from snakebites. Then the congregation believe God punished them for something or other.
  5. They foam at the mouth, speak gibberish in tongues. (More accurately that's the Charismatic and Pentecostals that speak in tongues.)
  6. They believe that God endures forever.
  7. White people and they rail on outsiders when they try to prove Evolution is a lie when it happened. See CreationWiki.
  8. Soul-Winning when it's the King James Only in the South, ahem Paula Deen and Florida, this is where Victoria Jackson lead a schism with those congregations by using an Illinois born translation. Pensacola, Florida we're talking directly to you there.
  9. Their sermons must go for for at least as long as God can endure them for. Well a few deploy Holman Christian Standard Bible as it was born from the Southern Baptist sector, as the schisms were when they were establishing in the North. According to Wikipedia the Holman was based on the KJ81 (aka New King James Version. This was born from Lifeway Publishing.)
  10. They require five-year old children to sit still during long boring sermons.
  11. They inflict capital a minor punishment if five-year old children fidget or play up during long boring sermons.

Symptoms outside church can include the following,

  1. They knock on strangers’ doors. (The Watchtower Society is more accurate and Independent Baptists borrowed from this.)
  2. They tell these strangers complete bullshit the good news about Jesus.
  3. They tell these strangers the bad news that Southern Baptists believe Jesus wants the strangers to live repressed Christian lives and will send them to Hell if they don’t.
  4. They refuse to leave when the strangers ask them insistently to go.
  5. They express negative (and occasionally hostile) views towards any religion/church/denomination that is not in 100% agreement with Southern Baptist theology. Not explaining the origins of the extended gesture that Paul Crouch and Pat Robertson both show having origins in Hellenistic Greece as the play The Clouds. Caligula made the people kiss that finger after it's been up his ass.
  6. The Ford F-150 is the official vehicle of Southern Baptists.
  7. They like the death penalty but hope condemned prisoners find Jesus before they die.
  8. They refuse to have sex standing up because it will lead to dancing.
  9. They tend to cut holes in their sheets and wear them over their heads while burning a cross. (That would be the bastard offspring from Pensacola.)

Further problems

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

These are the only people on earth who will go to Hell upon death. Avoid at all costs. You have been warned. Well this is according to Independent Baptist and those who id as young earth or intelligent design, buy Hovind's thesis and Henry M. Morris III's flood geology teaching.

Reactions to God

They have been known to burst into tears because they think God is mad at them. Some Southern Baptists marry someone awful and then stay with that person because they think God wants it. Other Southern Baptists stay unmarried because they can't find anyone who God will think is Christian enough. The SB God is known to regularly counsel the SB faithful on important matters, e.g. the proper color for a new pair of shoes, where to find misplaced keys, and moral justification for engaging in adultery.

Reactions to people

One may want to click on the larger picture to read this one right as some of us were toying in publisher. The discussion played up when it was a Lionsgate alumni and Disney alumni were chiming in on TBN's publishing venture. Some spoke of Snowfall Press and how one didn't need to pay a grand, hence bankrupting Xulon.

If you try and tell them that they’re wrong they can become as mean and deadly as a stomped-on rattlesnake. They feel irrationally superior towards normal folk. Incidentally normal folk feel superior to Southern Baptists. They hate their non-Baptist neighbor. Baptists especially hate Catholics.

Many believe that this is due to a combination of the Baptists' insane desire to feel self-important, their lust to make people feel inferior to them (and since they've run out of non-Christian groups to rag on, they might as well start in on Christian groups that aren't Baptist), and their jealousy that Catholics came up with the idea of Christianity before they did and thus hold the copyright. In reality, however, its just because Baptists are envious of the Pope's big, pointy hat.

What they failed to understand that Catholic-bashing from them overlaps bashing of Italians and pretend they have a linage of Baptist to John The Baptist as Rational Wiki chronicles. Pushing a pseudo-history and pseudoscience as much as Latter Day Saints as Independent Baptists spawned from them.

A factor here as we must confront the connection to UnNews as the Tumblr blog Christian Nightmares chronicles the weirdness as those Chick Tracts appear in the area greeting you in their churches.


Southern Baptists think killing is wrong (except if the individual is a murderer, homosexual, doctor, prostitute, a musician who does not sing about Jesus, Jew, rapist, author who writes explicit content, dark themes if they don't look right in the mirror, any non-baptist religion believer, or a democrat). Pat Robertson in the eyes of his parent congregation would been a total heretic because they live by every word spoken by Answers in Genesis. A Tumblr blog entry known as The Science Gospel did something that would see how much he can get past the radar, and Ham's co-anti-science pusher She got him tossed from Twitter because he called her out on her alleged research.

Martin Luther King, Jr. stood up to the tyrants of that congregation too. The congregation called out the century old sins of racism and would fund Xulon Press in the Orlando Metro area, though the Illinois Conservatives see no stalemate in God and Science, if seen through the right way. The roots of the Baptist congregation are behind CreationWiki and some of us might piss them off in the sense that The Baptist Heresies are a rap sheet waiting to happen.


They think abortion is absolutely wrong in all cases. Abortion is the only killing that they oppose. There are a few Bible based exceptions to this. Notably abortion wasn't wrong when The Israelites ripped unborn babies out of the wombs of their enemies (2 Kings 15:16) (Hosea 13:16), or when you paid a couple of shekels (Leviticus 27:6) or when burning pregnant ho's to death (Genesis 38:24). By contrast once babies have been born keeping them alive is less important. Southern Baptists oppose Universal Health Care. Absolutely no God-fearing Christian should even consider that lives of babies or adults can be saved through better health care.

Gun control

They are against gun control because with a gun Jesus could have just shot the centurions from 50 yards away.

War On Science

“You go back in time, you've got radiocarbon dating. You got all these things, and you've got the carcasses of dinosaurs frozen in time out in the Dakotas. They're out there. So, there was a time when these giant reptiles were on the Earth, and it was before the time of the Bible. So, don't try and cover it up and make like everything was 6,000 years. That's not the Bible. If you fight science, you're going to lose your children, and I believe in telling them the way it was.. You have to be deaf, dumb and blind to think that this Earth that we live in only has 6,000 years of existence, it just doesn't, I'm sorry ... To deny the clear record that's there before us makes us looks silly ... There's no way that all this that you have here took place in 6,000 years, it just couldn't have been done, couldn't possibly have been done.”

~ Pat Roberson, telling Answers in Genesis and CreationWiki to can it.
According to the following WordPress blog, "But most white Evangelicals and fundamentalists not only believe that humanity’s first parents came from Mesopotamia, they also take for granted that Adam and Eve’s ethnicity was conventionally white." This is example of misinformation inviting the resurrection of the punishment of Pillary to the states.

RationalWiki revealed this one as it was from the more crankier bastards who pushed the Flood Geology element into this, there is something going around from South Africa where he was fed up with the cranks. The scary thing about this is the youth are indoctrinated with the argument and told not to question.

They enroll at College of DuPage instead of Wheaton College or gone to a public school they'd be seen as total heretic in those circles. Martin Luther King, Jr. saw no stalemate between the two as Pat Robertson said if someone needs to be outright honest with this because they discover science vehemently speaking out against some form of evolution. "You will lose your children."

Pat Robertson on the air revealed about how he learned about Carbon Dating as he became the favorite among the Skeptic Friends Network and G. C. Science were all screaming "Thank You! You need us on the air because Answers in Genesis will claim that you're going to hell in every religion."

Some of us who are editing this suggest bringing Kara Cooney on the air with SNL alumni because they both caused a rift. Pensacola, Florida is the Independent Baptist Vatican, where the prejudice of dogma is stressed on campus.


Southern Baptists are all in favor of a good, ol' fashioned war. Just as long as it's someone else's kids getting sent over seas to die, and not in their own backyard fighting against those slavery abolishing northern baptists.

Causes and effects

Southern baptism is an Americanized mutated strain of British Baptism, it'self an evolved form of Anglicanism. American baptism entered the new world and spread out from ground zero in Charleston, South Carolina. The colonial Anglican authorities attempted to quarantine the disease, but by the time of the American Revolution the colonies had become a cesspool of new religions. King James Only is an American phenomenon and young earth creationists are a shrinking sect as G. C. Science revealed they're a real problem too.

Do they think like this? Short answer -- Independent Baptists. The rest of Baptist media admitted the heresies of the sector.

Although they were initially opposed to slavery and treated African American congregants as almost human, the Baptists really wanted to take a foothold in the South: where they could build their churches with the wealth of white plantation owners, the labors of their black servants, and atop the graves of Native Americans. Besides, the bible gave plenty of rules about how to treat your slaves and Africans were probably just the cursed descendants of Cain or Ham, who only appeared worthy of equal rights, like vampires or women. If God really wanted them to be free he would just magically change their skin color back to the default white.

Genetic counseling and testing such as amniocentesis are usually offered for families who may be at increased risk to have a child with SBS due to neonatal country music exposure. Women over 35 are often given an amniocentesis and 9 out of 10 choose to abort the affected fetus. Many children with Southern Baptism are born to women under the age of 16 because testing is not usually offered to women under the age of 16. Women over 16 are often able to run faster than their fathers or male siblings and so risk is somewhat reduced.

Many victims of this disease join leper colonies called the Republican Party. Unable to hold down regular jobs due to the persistent instability caused by SBS, many Southern Baptists can only find work as used car salesmen, politicians, (some in publishing where The Living Bible was produced. Billy Graham took him under his wing. In Illinois, publishing both the faith and secular are aware of each other. Some trade authors and tips about talking shop in the right place) or televangelists. The Baptists in Chicago that aren't IFB tend to take after Martin Luther King, Jr. then reach across the aisle to help with producing of New International Version. Although many male Southern Baptists are closet cases, they still manage to fornicate once every three years at the Triennial Convention.


Dragon Bones! Nah that's Chicago's pet dinosaur they borrowed.

The most common treatment method is admittance into a natural history museum followed by exposure to objects older than six thousand years of age, though success rates are statistically insignificant.

Then show them the photo with the guilty party of Lake Fossil as the authors from Xulon Press were engaging in heated arguments with him on the issue where you have Grace Chapel: Science showing where the vocal young earth creationist are a real problem than providing a solution. Reveal how God and science are not in stalemate of each other if seen the right way.

You could always invited Paula Deen to Oak Lawn and have her dress up as a Mummy but not with toilet paper, but what's found on then have herself video'd while examining the Skokie Affair then relate what she did for a Chicago based Baptist congregation where it's a Martin Luther King, Jr. modeled congregation. Where they acknowledge science is not in stalemate and have her hanging in a diner full of Airline Immigrants.

See also

Do the Southern Baptist community think like this? Okay that's a rhetorical question as Horus Gilgamesh wrote "Awkward Moments Children's Bible, as the illustration of Zombie Jesus also drawn from this."


Spork.jpg This page was originally sporked from Wikipedia, where they don't understand what we're going through.