Charles Carroll of Carrollton
Carroll Squared | |
|---|---|
 You know, I'm not really sure if we can trust this guy. | |
| Preceded by | No one |
| Succeeded by | Richard Potts |
| Senator of Maryland | |
| In office 1776–1778 | |
| Personal details | |
| Born | |
| Died | |
| Political party | Republican |
| Spouse | His cousin. |
| Children | A whole bunch |
| Residence | Somewhere in Maryland |
| Occupation | Agricutralist, slave holder, rich guy, senator |
Charles Carroll of Carrollton, also known as Carroll from Carroll, was a politician and signer of that really important document. Carroll was one of the founding fathers of the United States, and was the only Catholic signer of that document, as well as being the longest lived survivor of its signing. Charles was also know as "the first citizen" of the colonies, which I think is BS, and he just called himself that. We all know the first citizen was actually Chuck Norris, as he had actually already founded the country by the time Christopher Columbus arrived. Carroll also served as a delegate, whatever that means, for the Continental Congress and the Confederation Congress.
Of all the signers of the Declaration of 'Pendence, he was by far the richest, and the smartest. He was also quinquelingual, as he was a nerd. As well as being born... somewhere in the states, Carroll also inherited vast agricultural estates and was the richest guy in the States as well. He was considered to weigh somewhere around 2,100,000 pounds, which is around as heavy as 7 to 10 blue whales, although he was remarkably thin for his immense weight. It is believed that Charles was actually made out of the same stuff neutron stars are made out of-- wait, you mean British pounds, as in the currency? Whatever, that isn't real. He also owned a 10,000 acre manor, as well as over 300 men.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Carroll was born some time after Jesus, and sometime before right now. He was also a bastard, as his parents were not married when he was born, thus making him not a human in the technical sense. He went to a Jesuit preparatory school, which was also located somewhere in the States. At age 11, his parents were sick of his shit and sent him to France, also known as hell, or the place where you send people you don't want to see again. After escaping France/hell, he returned to his home, and was promptly sent to France again. this happened a few times before his parents finally let him stay. his father, also named charles, gave his son Carrollton Manor, thus giving little Charles the title "Charles Carroll of Carrollton".
Because of his catholicness, he was barred from practicing law and voting, which is total bullshit. so glad that doesn't happen anymore. wait, it does? Eh, let's just ignore it, that will make it go away. Even with his catholicness, this did not prevent him from becoming one of the wealthiest men in his area (or the whole world), owning so much shit he was a regular Elon Musk, but instead of being a jackass, he simply owned slaves.
Attitude toward slavery[edit | edit source]
The Carroll family, as stated before, were indeed slaveholders, which is impressive, as slaves are quite heavy. Strangely, little Charles was against the holding of slaves, saying "They're just too damn heavy. It's too hard to have to carry all these guys around." Despite this, he still carried slaves around, which makes him a hypocrite, and all those slaves were nowhere near his previously stated 2,100,000 pound mass, which would make the slaves actually quite light for him. He eventually introduced a bill that would make slaveholding illegal, but it did not pass, as the senate was too busy trying not to drop their slaves.
Family[edit | edit source]
Charles married Mary Darnall, also known as Molly for some reason. She was also his cousin. I'm not kidding. They had seven little inbred children before Molly died of... something in 1782, but only three of the kiddos survived. Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it's because YOU FUCKED YOUR COUSIN. I shouldn't have to say this, but don't do that. Anywho, the three survivors also had their own lives and such, but I'm way too lazy to talk about them. Their descendants still own that manor from earlier, which is neat, I guess.
Later life[edit | edit source]
Charles retired a little while after 1800. after good ol' Thomas Jefferson became the pres', Charles got some big anxiety and had to see a therapist, and had to start taking anxiety meds. He was also elected a member of the American Antiquarian Society in 1815. He came out of retirement in 1827 to build a fuck ton of railroads.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
Carroll is mentioned in Maryland's state song, "Maryland, My Maryland," sung to the tune of "O Christmas Tree" (really, Google it).
Thou wilt not cower in the dust,
Maryland! My Maryland!
Thy beaming sword shall never rust,
Maryland! My Maryland!
Remember Carroll's sacred trust,
Remember Howard's warlike thrust –
And all thy slumberers with the just,
Maryland! My Maryland!"
Fun fact, "Howard's warlike thrust" is a reference to John Eager Howard, and his style of violent lovemaking.
Death[edit | edit source]
In the end, Little Charles died of... something. Probably pneumonia or something, but he was 95, which is pretty good, I gotta say. He was the longest living founding father as well, which is neat.
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