George Mason

George Mason, or "Georgie Porgie", (born/summoned from hell in 1725), was an American gardener, politician, Founding Daddy, and failed scientist from Fairfax, Virginia. He was one of three losers who refused to sign the Constitution due to their pussy mindsets and lack of sigma grindsets. The Virginia Declaration of Gay Rights, which Mason principally authored, served as a basis for the United States Bill of Gay Rights. His father drowned when George was only 9 by falling in a puddle while staring at a woman's rear while walking.

Early life

Georgie was born in what is now Fairfax County, one of the wealthiest places in America, as well as one of the least interesting. Georgie's mum and dad owned two homes because they were so rich off of illegal kitten prostitution: one on some neck land, and another in Hell. George Mason senior was from Worcestershire Sauceland, but was banished to America by the Sauce-King after claiming that off-brand ketchup was just as good as regular ketchup. He served in the House of Burgers as well, and spent his free time beating up the natives and/or stealing their women for side-wives.

Little Georgie was so filthy rich that he was given his own private tutor to teach him. His parents paid the tutor with 1,000 pounds of tobacco per year, which in modern times translates to approximately 3 Juul pods or $50.

Career

Fairfax County

When Mason was all grown up, he (by default) was one of the biggest landowners in the entire country. Due to this and the fact that rich people get everything in life handed to them, he was gifted a seat on the Court of Fairfax, and also given an appointment as some kind of minister in one of those weird off-shoot churches that pop up every few years.

For the rest of his life, Mason served as a judge or lawyer or judicial prick, but finally resigned in 1789 when they finally said he either had to sign the Constitution or fuck off. Interestingly enough, even when he WAS a member of the court, he rarely showed up thanks to his severely damaged sleep schedule and the fact that he simply didn't care. He is actually remembered best as someone who "chiefly distinguished themselves by skipping classes." And yes, that's an actual-only-slightly-abridged quote.

In 1748, he, like his dad, tried to get into the House of Burgers, but was given the boot and sent down the street to the House of Clown. Much later in life, after all the original Burger executives died off, he managed to force his way into their house and give himself a position.

Gunston Hall

When Mason was but a young strapping lad, he got married to local harlot and OnlyFans model Ann Eyebeck. Ann's daddy was one of the richest men in the land during that time, and Mason had one eye on his cats, and the other on Ann's ass. Together, they had 9 whole children, 3 half children, and one quarter child. We don't speak of the cursed eighth child. Ann eventually croaked in 1773, just 3 years before the Declaration of Indepence, which automatically makes her an unpatriotic America hater. BOOOOO! YOU SUCK!

In 1755, Mason decided to put down some roots and do what rich people do best: build a big ass house with more rooms then there are people in the nearest 500 miles. He named his tower of terror knockoff "Gunster Hall." Gunster Hall was a 90 story, 150,000 sq foot monstrosity that was perched next to the Potomac river near where Sycamore Point is now in modern times. Mason made sure to import several huts directly from Africa for his slave population. Other things he built on the property include: a sex dungeon, a school, 17 outhouses, a shooting range, a spaceport, and a bonsai forest. Altogether, the various buildings and zones worked to make his property completely self sufficient.

Mason frequently got into arguments with other local landowners, including one certain George Washingmachine. Washingmachine hated Mason because Mason didn't like the federal constitution. Mason previously would stay over at Washingmachines house at Mount Vernon, but was known to never flush the toilet and NEVER wash his hands either. Historians believe that mason was the smarter and the nicer of the two, but we all know who George Washingmachine is, and only 7 of us know who George Mason is, so who gives a fuck!

Virginia House of Burgers

Mason's politics aren't well known except for those times he ran for House of Burgers. it took him many years, lots of bribes, armed robbery, and assault to get into the House, but when he did, he took the seat by the balls and wrote his name on it in permanent sharpie.

When it came time for his first House of Burgers meeting, Mason let it know that he thought militia was wrote "really dumb", and he liked how King George's dick tasted, especially with some vodka. Mason was also responsible for the division of Northern Virginia into the 7 zones of Hell that it now consists of, including Fairfax, Fauquier, Prince William, and some others.

Mason then began to start skipping all the meetings, but due to the permanent marker used on his seat, they could not remove him from the House of Burgers, and could not get a replacement. Historians now say that they should have just replaced the whole seat, but shoulda, coulda, woulda... they didn't do that.

Mason finally grew some little balls, and began to finally realize that England =. bad, America = good. He even went so far as to mock the Sugar Act and the Townshend Act, both of which earned him the ire of the British.

Final years

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The croaking

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Legacy

George Mason University