George Mason
George Mason | |
|---|---|
 George Mason in the House of Burgers | |
| Founding Daddy | |
| Preceded by | George Mason, Sr |
| Succeeded by | Nobody! |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Died |
|
| Cause of death | Fell onto his army of slaves |
| Political party | "We-Didn't-Sign-the-Constitution" party |
| Spouse | Ann Eyebeck (m. 1999) |
George Mason, Georgie Porgie, or GM Junior, (born/summoned from hell in 1725), was an American gardener, politician, Founding Daddy, and failed scientist hailing from Fairfax, Virginia. He was one of three losers who refused to sign the Constitution due to their pussy mindsets and lack of sigma grindsets. The "Virginia Declaration of Gay Rights", which Mason principally authored, served as a basis for the "United States Bill of Gay Rights", which was essentially just one large case of plagiarism, with the word "gay" replaced with "human" in the finished version. His father drowned after falling in a puddle when little George was only 9, causing George to have a great fear of puddles and small volumes of water.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Georgie was born in what is now Fairfax County, one of the wealthiest places in America, as well as one of the least interesting. Georgie's mum and dad owned two homes because they were so rich off of illegal kitten prostitution: one on some neck land, and another in Hell. George Mason senior was from Worcestershire Sauceland, but got banished to America by the Sauce-King after he claimed that, quote: "off-brand ketchup is just as good as regular ketchup". He served in the House of Burgers in the States, and spent his free time beating up the natives and/or stealing their women for side-wives. Both of these habits greatly influenced the infant George junior.
Little Georgie was so filthy rich that he was given his own private tutor to teach him. His parents paid the tutor with 1,000 pounds of tobacco per year, which in modern times translates to approximately 3 Juul pods or $50.
A young George Jr was known for being a pain in the rear to anyone resembling authority, as he would follow them around, chanting "sir, yes sir" and other pathetic attempts at getting in their good graces. He was known to always carry around a small folded up Union Jack, which he would wave vigorously in the faces of his enemies (and friends).
Career[edit | edit source]
Fairfax County[edit | edit source]
When Mason was all grown up, he (by default) was one of the biggest landowners in the entire country. Due to this and the fact that rich people get everything in life handed to them, he was gifted a seat on the Court of Fairfax, and also given an appointment as some kind of minister in one of those weird off-shoot churches that pop up every few years.
For the rest of his life, Mason served as a judge or lawyer or judicial prick, but finally resigned in 1789 when they finally said he either had to sign the Constitution or fuck off. Interestingly enough, even when he WAS a member of the court, he rarely showed up thanks to his severely damaged sleep schedule and the fact that he simply didn't care. He is actually remembered best as someone who "chiefly distinguished themselves by skipping classes." And yes, that's an actual-only-slightly-abridged quote.
In 1748, he, like his dad, tried to get into the House of Burgers, but was given the boot and sent down the street to the House of Clown. Much later in life, after all the original Burger executives died off, he managed to force his way into their house and give himself a position.
Gunster Hall[edit | edit source]
When Mason was but a young strapping lad, he got married to local harlot and OnlyFans model Ann Eyebeck. Ann's daddy was one of the richest men in the land during that time, and Mason had one eye on his cats, and the other on Ann's ass. Together, they had 9 whole children, 3 half children, and one quarter child. We don't speak of the cursed eighth child. Ann eventually croaked in 1773, just 3 years before the Declaration of Indepence, which automatically makes her an unpatriotic America-hater. BOOOOO! YOU SUCK!
In 1755, Mason decided to put down some roots and do what rich people do best: build a big ass house with more rooms then there are people in the nearest 500 miles. He named his tower of terror knockoff "Gunster Hall" after his favorite TV character, Herman Munster. Gunster Hall was a 7 story, 150,000 sq foot monstrosity that was perched next to the Potomac river near where Sycamore Point is now in modern times. Mason made sure to import several huts directly from Africa for his slave population. Other things he built on the property include: a sex dungeon, a school, 17 outhouses, a shooting range, a spaceport, and a bonsai forest. Altogether, the various buildings and zones worked to make his property completely self sufficient.
Mason frequently got into arguments with other local landowners, including one certain George Washingmachine. Washingmachine hated Mason because Mason didn't like the federal constitution. Mason previously would stay over at Washingmachines house at Mount Vernon, but was known to never flush the toilet and NEVER wash his hands either. Historians believe that mason was the smarter and the nicer of the two, but we all know who George Washingmachine is, and only 7 of us know who George Mason is, so who gives a fuck!
Virginia House of Burgers[edit | edit source]
Mason's politics aren't well known except for those times he ran for House of Burgers. it took him many years, lots of bribes, armed robbery, assault, and several other civil infractions to get into the House, but when he did, he took the empty seat by its balls and wrote his name on it in permanent sharpie.
When it came time for his first House of Burgers meeting, Mason let it know that he thought militia was "really dumb", and he liked how King George's royal member tasted, especially with some vodka. Mason was also responsible for the division of Northern Virginia into the 7 zones of Hell that it now consists of, including Fairfax, Fauquier, Prince William, and some others.
Mason then began to start skipping all the meetings, but due to the permanent marker used on his seat, they could not remove him from the House of Burgers, and could not get a replacement. Historians now say that they should have just replaced the whole seat, but shoulda, coulda, woulda... they didn't do that.
One fateful Wednesday, George failed to notice his greatest enemy, a puddle, which he proceeded to slip and fall into. He cracked his head violently on a rock, and something in his brain snapped... just like that, he began to finally realize that England = bad, America = good. He even went so far as to mock the Sugar Act and the Townshend Act, both of which earned him the ire of the British.
Final years[edit | edit source]
George spent many of his final years doing important things like calling all the Declaration of Independence signers "pussies", going out to clubs in Annapolis and Washington DC, and attempting to get better prices for his slave army that he was building in his backyard. Unfortunately, the last part there was to be his greatest downfall, as after learning of a man who had done a medical procedure utilizing a whalebone, he decided to arm his slaves with whalebone weapons. He then stood on the balcony of his mansion and surveyed his vast army with great joy. Tragically, it was at this moment that he had a massive heart attack, so vicious and sudden that he shit his pants, which violently propelled him off of the balcony and into the crowded army below. He was dead before he even touched the whalebone spearpoints and swords, but if he HAD been alive, he definitely wouldn't have been after that.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
George Mason University, the largest public restroom in all of Virginia, was named after him. This was partially due to the fact that all of his money[1] was left in his will to be sent to "fome fort of education eftablifhment". George Mason University is now known as the "most boring" university in Virginia, and possible the nation, as nearly all of its 50,000 student body commutes from home, meaning the moment classes are over, the place turns into a ghost town. Partying is strictly forbidden, meaning the college experience is limited to only smoking pot in Rappahannock garage late at night when campus security has fallen asleep.
Oh, and he is a Founding Daddy of the United States, but thanks to being a pussy who wouldn't sign the Constitution, there are only approximately 3 images of him on the internet, and only one statue that may or may not represent him. His home was demolished in the 50s to make way for a new interstate, which was then demolished in the 90s and replaced with a 2-story replica of the first two floors of Gunster Hall.
See also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Financial analysts have stated that the money left over amounted to about $5.33 after inflation.
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