John Paul Jones
 John Paul Jones faithfully depicted in his preferred pirate attire. | |
| Born | July 6, 1747 |
|---|---|
| Died | July 18, 1792 |
| Hometown | Arbigland, Scotland |
| Nationality | Scottish, American |
| Occupation | Navy Bum Boy/Pirate/Limey Exterminator |
| Years active | From an early age until discovering the vice of French brothels |
| Predecessor | Naval commander/Russian Spy |
“The real promise of America... a crazed pirate Scotchman of the the high seas stealing foreign money and then working for the Russians.”
– Alexis de Tocqueville
John Paul Jones (July 6, 1747 – July 18, 1792) was a Scottish-born Navy boy and the best damn general/pirate the American navy has ever seen. The English tried to kill him several times but failed because they were tea-drinking pussies.
Biography[edit | edit source]
He is chiefly famous for his naval career, notably the naval gazing he took part in whilst looking for English mariners to rob. This less-than-scrupulous attitude led to Jones being portrayed as a pirate, or as is often the case as a kilted Scotsman taking a very 'full frontal' slash over the bow of his American frigate. He later quit his station to play bass for Led Zeppelin.
Early Years[edit | edit source]
JPJ was born in 1946 to John Jones and Paula Jones. Despite having the same last name, his parents were not related before their marriage. Since they were notoriously uncreative with names, they named their offspring John Paul Jones. The birth was largely uneventful, if you don't count the troupe of exploding midget acrobats hired to deliver the baby.
From a very early age Jones was interested in planes, aka flying aluminum death traps. He would run around on his roof and then jump off in the hopes that he could fly. When he was 5 years old his parents bought him his first airplane, which he promptly crashed into Jimmy Page's creepy-ass castle he calls a house. Despite that, John enjoyed flying round the countryside of Sussex so much that he could regularly be found in his local pub telling anyone who would listen of his great adventures, many of which involved stabbing British officers in the war.
Later Life[edit | edit source]
25 years and a couple of airplanes later, JPP was hired by the Bismarck von Zeppelin to be the head pilot on the Zeppelin's new Zeppelin. Jones Paul agreed and history was set into motion. When JPJ wasn't too busy sleeping, he was a skilled pilot. In 1955, von Zeppelin was being flown by PPJ to the Glastonbury festival. While directly above Moscow, the airship was mistaken for an enemy bomber and shot down by Lenin and Marx. After surviving the fall and being a guest in a Russian gulag for several years, JJJ decided it was time to go home. On the three-day voyage back to England JPJ dedicated all of his time to playing various instruments such as bass, keyboards, and the electric washboard.
On his arrival in England he found his home had been repossessed by a ghost that had been exorcised many years earlier. JJP purchased a tent and lived for many years as a gremlin in a patch of woods, where PJJ's bass lines were heard by Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, and John Bonham. As coincidence would dictate, they needed a new pilot for their own Zeppelin. Unfortunately for Jones, they were also fond of sacrificing their pilots- ah, bassists- to the rock gods every full moon in exchange for talent. The original John Paul Jones was killed in this way, and so were several subsequent clones, until Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend found out and put a stop to it. The one clone that was spared became Led Zeppelin's permanent pilot- ah, bassist.
After 29 successful years of flying the heavy metal airship and shooing John Bonham away from the liquor cabinet, John Paul Jones retired. He spent several years afterwards as a solo pilot. Despite getting good reviews from fans, his solo piloting work was less than commercially successful.
In 2007, Page and Plant had the idea that they should reform for one night only. Of course they needed a pilot and there was no other choice than Paul Jones John. After one last night of piloting at the O2 arena in London, John Paul died peacefully on a bed of nails. Recently, however, John Paul was resurrected to join the rest of the crew of Zeppelin for another world tour to the delight of their fans and the dismay of God, who was certain he'd got him good the first time.