Northern Virginia

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Northern Virginia
NoVA
Stay north of Fredericksburg!
Capital:
Tyson's Corner
Anthem:
"March of the Volunteers"
Bird:
Boeing 777 Airliner
Animal:
The Minivan
Fish:
That one fish with three eyes I caught in the Potomac last week
Insect:
The Carpetbagger
Beverage:
Bleach
Music:
Something Safe for the kids
Snack:
Something salty to give to the kids while I drive them to soccer practice
Nemesis:
PG County

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Northern Virginia.

Northern Virginia, officially the North Virginia Socialist State of America, is a very diverse region in Virginia that seceded from Southern Virginia during the crack boom in the 80's. There are many people of all different shapes, sizes, colors, genders, and races. The area is notable for its complete lack of a unifying culture or coherent regional identity, as many of its residents are Yankee Transients. The closest thing to a national tradition they've got is forgetting that the local Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays for church (because they're all God-hating liberal commie satanists of course) It is also noted that Northern Virginia is ranked #2 in the United States on highest immigration. Many (and I mean many) El Salvadorians come here in seek of refuge.

It is also known for its conservative population (but considered communist in comparison to the rest of Virginia). There are many Jews, but they only work six-sevenths of the time and most of them belong to the Megalonychidae family. During the Asian Invasion, Northern Virginia was infested with 'em, resulting in a wide variety of ethnic restaurants that all serve Pho. One popular restaurant for being a Pho Phuk Lai. A sizable portion of blacks live in the urban areas, but rarely make it to the NBA and are forced to move to New York upon reaching 21.

It is home to many evil people including Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, William McKinley, international ballet sensation David Robinson, and Marilyn Manson. It is also home to Dulles Intergalactic Airport, featured in Star Trek Episode #17.

History[edit]

An average-sized home in the Northern Virginia Suburbs. This particular home sold for $2.7 million; about $300,000 below market value
An autist's (sic) rendition of the main entrance to the Temple of Consumerism at Dulles, c. 600 CE.

In the beginning, there was beautiful trees, a wonderful landscape, with gorgeous scenery. And then for some strange reason they built Northern Virginia.

Recent archaeological findings show that Northern Virginia was first inhabited by the long-extinct tribe known as the "Soccer Moms". Early English settlers' accounts told of massive war-bands of Ford Explorers and Dodge Caravans that would destroy settlements and raid farms for "a quick bite for the kids." Many structures built by the Soccer Moms survive to this day, the most famous being the ancient temple known as "Dulles Town Center".

However, this evidence was not officially recognized until 2016 due to political pressure from Northern Virginia's significant Chinese minority, which asserted that an obscure Sichuanese fisherman's diary from the 17th century proved that the People's Republic of China not only owned Loudoun County but all of Northern Virginia. Thankfully, Grand Marshal Wayde "Snow Lord" Byard of the Loudoun People's Liberation Army defeated the Chinese forces at the Third Battle of Dranesville on December 25th, 2016, which ensured that historical accuracy and snow days would prevail.

During the great Human migration of 1995, many Salvadorian, Honduran, and Laotians were smuggled into the country illegally. During this particular period of time many high class suburban homes were built to accommodate up to a total of 30 family members per household. Word had spread far south, and many immigrants from many Latin countries had chosen Northern Virginia as the new-land, in which Kmarts and Wal-Marts were endless. A city was even built in honor of the Hispanic community, known today as Manassas city, located in Prince William County.

Demographics (copy+pasted from the 2008 Census)[edit]

  • OVER 9,000!!!% El-Salvadorian
  • 56% Caucasian
  • 8% Honduran
  • 9% Laotian
  • 8% Korean
  • 8% African American

There were 700,000,000 households out of which 99.1% had children under the age of 18 living with them, -50% of the population is living below the poverty line, 85% of the population could not speak English, and 87% of Northern Virginia doesn’t know how to drive a vehicle.

NoVA Speak[edit]

  • ABC Store: Conveniently placed liquor stores that will forever be closed on Sundays until 2030.
  • No traffic: Indicating that you spent less than four hours to drive 10 miles
  • Wegman's: A popular grocery store all the pseudo-rich go to to look special...and pay $5 for a roll of TP.
  • Inside the Beltway: The area all Northern Virginians over 25 must be in after 9:00 a.m., or face a fine.
  • Defensive Driving: Throwing a cup of coffee at another car to prevent them from getting in your lane.*
  • NOVA"": The local community college, the envy of Montgomery College. The N stands for nowledge
  • Home Depot: Very popular government-run store that all Northern Virginians must go to at least two Saturdays per month. During each visit, they must spend at least $1,250 on a "home improvement" item that will stay unused in their...
  • Garage: Originally designed as an obnoxious bedroom for the cars, now a large storage space for the children's toys, the husband's college beer pong trophies, and the wife's clothes that she can't fit into any more because she's a lard ass.
  • Minivan: Where Northern Virginian mothers attempt to stuff as many of their little mistakes into the trunk as possible
  • Gov't: The seat of power in DC: drive two hours each way then work for ten!

Transportation[edit]

Unlike other Southern states, women are allowed to drive, vote, and gather in public (in other parts of Virginia, women are denied by the government). Of all the accidents in one city in NoVA, half of those involved were women; most of whom were busy chatting on their cell phone, while applying makeup, and brushing their hair in their SUV rather than driving. The other half is the result of a Maryland driver. The Latter half tend to be fatal. NoVA is known for its metro system despite much of NOVA not having convenient access, but it smells of vagrants who take it to avoid the foul air in D.C.. Scientists have conducted research on the temporal disparities many residents of NOVA claim to experience when engaging in rush hour traffic. Based on their findings, local lawmakers fixed the problem by raising it to rush hour and a half, thereby making traffic predictions more accurate.

Some people take the Virginia Rock 'n Roll Xpress from the far ends of Northern Virginia, where there are no known roads. The three people who live in this area claim to live so far away because of "housing prices", but in reality they had to sign an agreement to never speak of the horrid realities associated with living so close to the borders of Maryland and West Virginia in order to keep property values from going into negative values. Nobody is really sure what happens to those that breach their contracts, but several reports cite that the entire house they once lived in went missing.

Economy[edit]

Ooh la la...

The economy in Northern Virginia is quite diverse, White people have just as much money if not less then any other race living in Northern Virginia. Northern Virginia's economy also relies heavily on the communist super market, Wegman's. Wegman's is known for their overpriced organic food that appeals to snobs of all classes (High Class, Higher Class, Ultra Snob, Snobtopolous).

Law and government[edit]

There is no government. When there is a problem, citizens are encouraged to report their problems to the local police that automatically assumes the complainant is the one committing the crime, or to report their issues to their representative in congress or local town council. Unfortunately, nobody can ever really explain how the members of the "local government" became elected in the first place, with all reasonable accounts suggesting that they spontaneously came into existence somewhere in Northern Virginia. In one case, Sterling Representative Eugene Delgaudio was reported to actually be a blow-up doll with a voicebox that would play several pre-recorded clips about how homosexuals were going to burn down the town council building if the person that pressed the button didn't get out and never bothered him again. Nobody in NOVA has ever stuck around long enough to witness the consequences, as they are all either terrified or utterly ambivalent toward any acknowledgement of anything related to sex (bad for the kids).

HOA[edit]

Home Owners Association. They are the law of the land and the following is forbidden!

You're damn right they are forbidden we cant have these crawlers screwin' up our lawn! It's our business to touch yours!

Tourism[edit]

In a recent Washington Post survey, 83% of tourists visiting NoVA said they would "rather punch themselves in the crotch continuously for an entire day" than make a return trip to the region.

Referring to Northern Virginia as 'NoVA' will likely get you shot, fined, or lynched, as many Northern Virginians detest that term. Many Marylanders have mysteriously disappeared as a result.

The western end of NOVA still desperately attempts to appeal to horse-crazed individuals and alcoholics through the promotion of weekly horse drinking contests, wherein tourists can test their mettle by attempting to drink more of NOVA's surplus, bitter wine than a horse bought at an auction from a foreclosed farm. The citizens of western loudoun then convene for a very expensive outdoor picnic and consume the loser.

Sub-regions[edit]

  • Arlington & Alexandria: The government's overflow chamber from D.C., home of the Pentagon. North and south sections of this area are at vicious war, but are awfully hard to tell apart- it's all basically D.C. This is also home to most single Yuppies who can survive living in a filing cabinet rented to them at $2000/month. Holds the Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology, capital of the Asian community.
  • Fairfax: Notorious for its country clubs and lousy women drivers who use a cell phone when driving, but never get caught due to their access to money and ability to cry on cue.
  • Sterling: Harry Byrd Highway divides this suburban hellscape into Mexican and "White" territory. Despite being directly adjacent to each other, the two populations never mix due to the North's extortionate housing prices and the South's shitty roads that were last paved in 1978, which are bad for the Northerners' minivan tires.
  • Herndon: Also known as Hernia-don by locals, the center of the Indian community in Northern Virginia.
  • Reston: Not an actual settlement, just a collection of empty skyscrapers and office buildings built by Fairfax County in a failed attempt to artificially boost the region's GDP.
  • Lansdowne: Only a few dozen people were stupid enough to buy these overpriced McMansions and townhomes made with Chinese plywood and illegally-harvested Russian old-growth oak trees. While the population is currently mostly composed of white girls and their pets, in just a few decades, they will leave for greener pastures (Purcellville) and lower-income folks will move in from the inner suburbs. It's the circle of liiiiiiiife
  • West Loudoun: The brave folk of Middleburg and Purcellville have held the line against further suburban expansion for decades. The West Loudoun Militia patrols the Great Wall of Mosby, which goes from Lansdowne to the Fauquier county line.
  • Ashburn: Also known as Ca$hburn in the East Loudoun dialect, a bedroom community where H1-B visa holders congregate to work at the area's many data centers. Jeff Bezos is watching.
  • Tyson's Corner: Chickens roam the streets and terrorize local residents here.
  • Fairfax City: Not culturally part of NoVA. A massive federal project is underway to place the entire thing on wheels and move it up to Baltimore.
  • McLean: One of the most boring places to live. It is insanely expensive to live there- $2 million will only buy you a broom closet. There is a constant battle between McLean and Great Falls to see who can have the most arrogant population. Currently, Great Falls is winning.
  • Woodbridge: Also known as Hoodbridge, Woodbridge is a community with a 99% Hispanic population with 1% angry white folk. These angry white folk include county supervisor Corey Stewart.
  • Dale City: Contains Potomac Mills Mall- the Northern hemisphere's largest homeless shelter. Built by Dale in 1985 as a poorly built socialist suburban utopia, its government quickly collapsed after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991. Known for crumbling infrastructure from the 80's and being one of a few places in Northern Virginia where poor people are legally permitted to exist.
  • Prince William County: Prince William County is known for not ever having a prince even remotely getting near this side of town. This town is filled with gangs, pimps, hoes, bitches and a lot of gas stations for them to John and Rob. Traffic out here is horrendous because all of the secret agents coming out of DC return home to their mistresses. Strangely, it is the closest thing to a conservative bastion in the staunchly communist region. Stay away from this rogue county!
  • South and West: Towns many hours away such as Fredericksburg, Warrenton, and Winchester are considered Northern Virginia by everyone except Northern Virginians. There is currently a push in the so-called "Legislature" of Virginia to give this rural ring around the region to Northern Virginia, who has vowed to refuse the offer at all costs. Few things exist out here besides broken dreams, poor roads, and exiled Northern Virginians.

No Public Restroom Law[edit]

Who peed in your mum?

Northern Virginia is noted for passing the "No Public Restroom Act of 1976" which bans public restrooms everywhere in Northern Virginia. There have been many cases well documented of people "pissing their guts out" and "shitting everywhere" ever since this law has been instated. Many local communities support this law because "It does not leave that horrific smell in the restroom" says one Ross Employee. When asked people are kindly told to "hold it in".

Education[edit]

The Schools in Northern Virginia are down right brain washing. Teachers tell kids daily that they will be nothing and that they are better serving the community by translating orders at a local Fast Food place. Kids that are smart enough to figure out that this is not true end up at a magical brick fort called FaggleField GetHigh School. This magical place teaches kids that they will go into Information Technology (IT) and will be come the next generation of tech-savvy slaves pioneering and re-inventing the way technology is. Northern Virginia Public Schools also teach kids that all music sucks besides Rap, after all we do live in the hardest place to get by in the country!