|SLOTH LOVE CHUNK!|
|This article is better than outsmarting the Fratellis!|
BEWARE: Any attempts to edit this article may result in a prompt ass-kicking.
“Hey You Guys!”
Sloth is a frisbee golf term used to describe a disc that gets stuck....
- Whoops! I was too lazy to finish that sentence!
The Deadly Sin of Sloth
Sloth prevented me from writing this article sooner, sloth will most likely prevent me from rewriting this if it's crap, and sloth might keep you from reading this entire thing. Although some people might call this the tamest of the seven sins, I assure you: sloth can be deadly.
The slothful, or the opposite of godful, may struggle to finish a meal before it is cold, make it to anywhere on time, stay awake, move or even breathe. Their minds are too diseased with slowness to grasp irony or sarcasm and they argue using long drawn out 'no's. Here is an example:
Normal Person: 'You're two hours late' Sloth Man: 'I was eating my dinner and had to straighten my hair...' Normal Person: 'I hate you.' Sloth Man: 'Nooooo, nooooo, nooooo...'
Slothitis is contagious; the monotonous rant of a slothful person will often force the listener to adopt the symptoms of a sloth, e.g. the Yawn Effect. The slothful will slowly develop a likeness to a banana slug and their voice will heavily deepen, enabling them to communicate with whales. Generally, a chronic sloth sufferer will die before reaching the age of thirty, as they can no longer bother to feed themselves. Once in hell, the slothful are punished by being thrown into snakes pits. I really don't understand the significance of the snakes, like the punishments for other deadly sins. Why not put sloths in freezing water or boiling oil? Why not make them get out of bed and go to work for a change?
Hold on a sec, let me take a bong rip...
Let's see now, what was I saying? Oh yes... Sloth is more than a sin...
Wait for Sloth, the Superhero
Sloth was born Lotney Fratelli on Jan. 12th, 1962. Ma Fratelli had planned on having a home delivery, but complications arose. Rushed to the hospital by sons Jake and Francis Fratelli, she was promptly given a C-section. Newborn Lotney was 15 pounds, 12 ounces...
Lotney was a very complying child, but Ma's penchant for booze, man-whores, and crime rendered her an incapable mother. One night after a raging kegger, Ma arrived to home to a crying Lotney. The stench of booze on her breath only foreshadowed the events to come. She hastily grabbed the child and rushed down the stairs...The rest is history. Ma suffered minor cuts and bruises while Lotney was left with a debilitating injury that would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Lotney's injury not only damaged his physical appearance, but interferred with his cognitive skills as well. He was held back many times and placed into special education classes. His cruel classmates appropriately dubbed him "Sloth".
It wasn't until high school that Sloth found his niche. The streamlined shape of his head allowed him to cut through water with an uncanny speed. Just as his swim trophies piled up, so did the letters from colleges who overlooked over his intelligence level and the babes that ironically wanted a piece of sloth action. Sloth's two brothers became more and more spiteful of his success, becoming so jealous of Sloth's popularity with the ladies that they chained him up in the basement and kept him like a wild animal.
Those Lazy Things
Speaking of wild animals, there are also rare creatures known as hanging sloths. So little is known about these elusive beings, that one was said to have died while it was being studied, and the observers did not realize it for six years! These incredibly boring, algae covered mammals are argued in some scientific circles to have either eight or nine toes, but are more commonly known to have exactly five. Zoologists at the University of Jena who were studying the movement of Sloths wanted a sloth to move up and down a pole. It consistently refused, even when tempted by its favourite food dishes. After three years of attempting to get it to do this simplest of movements, they gave up.
Axel Burchardt, a university spokesman, said: "I am afraid the sloth had absolutely no interest in furthering the cause of science."
While science may not be a sloth's forté, music sure is! Sloths have long talon-like fingers that are great for strumming bass guitar. It's no wonder that sloths are responsible for 85% of today's slow-dance hits, and have influenced the likes of Eric Clapton, Jack Johnson, and Dido. There have also been rumors of sloths being the brains behind television's hit series Gray's Anatomy, and the feature films Babel and Schindler's List.
Sloths have also inspired numerous documentaries, novels, toys, and other works of art. 
|“||They sleep eighteen hours, but party twenty-four.||”|
Here is a poem dedicated to the sloth:
The Sloth by Kristie Williams
The sloth may smile.
The sloth may frown.
Save the Slothists
The core of the Slothist philosophy is to actually 'become' a sloth. The aim is to emulate some of the basic behaviors of the sloth in order to find a way to live in harmony with the earth. This can be best described as KISS, or Keep It Simple, Sloth. Sloths are an endangered species because they are too lazy to mate. By 'doing' less, living simply, and not using harmful chemicals like deoderant and soap, Slothists believe they are saving slothism by being slothful. Like lemmings to a ledge you can see, however, that this is really just a downward spiral to extinction.