Andrew Jackson

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Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson
Personal info
Nationality American(possibly Martian)
Date of birth "around" St. Patrick's Day, 1767
Place of birth America (Mars)
Date of death unknown
Place of death Mars
First Lady Rachel Donelson, plus several others
Political career
Order 7th President
Vice President Himself
Prime Minister n/a
Term of office 1829–1837 (unconfirmed)
Preceded by D.Q. Adams
Succeeded by That Netherlander
Political party Democrat
Penis nickname n/a

Andrew Jackson (circa St. Patrick's Day 1767 - presumably after he left office) was the seventh president of the United States, and may still be, as far as we know. He was often called "Old Hickory", though whether it was because his father was an Ent or because he liked wood a little more than is healthy is yet to be determined. For much of his life, he was plagued by small men wearing green, which quite possibly was the cause of what four out of five experts today would consider insanity.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Jackson was born the son of Andrew "Treebeard" Not-A-Jackson and Euphegenia Jackson-Not-A-Jackson. For reasons that were not disclosed, he elected to adopt his mother's maiden name. Young Andrew soon learned to shoot, ride, and play the kazoo, and accidentally injured his father at the tender age of eighteen months by riding his horse over his father's foot, while deafening him with his kazoo and shooting his other foot with his rifle. That night, he was visited by his leprechaun friends for the first time, who demanded that he apologize to his father or they'd remove the bullets from his rifle and the reed from his kazoo. Young Jackson was terrified out of his wits by the jolly sprites, and successfully managed to imprison them in the vault of the National Bank, which in hindsight explains many of his actions in later life.

Jackson did horribly in school, mostly because he was sizing up the child-producing potentialities of his female classmates, and so was gleefully accepted to the local vampire enclave law school. However, the lawyers found him far too bloodsucking even for them and he was expelled, which was Jackson's motivation for joining the military. He took the assumed name of "George Custer" before enlisting, and he soon lost big-time at the Battle of Not-A-Little Horny. Meanwhile, the other Andrew Jackson was winning the War of 1812 for America in New Orleans, and Jackson was quick to jump on that bandwagon. Thanks to his fraudulent war victory, Jackson was given the name "Old Aspen" (pronounced "auld ass-pen"), but at his behest it was changed to "Old Hickory" (pronounced "auld ass-pen").

Presidential Campaign[edit | edit source]

Andrew quietly made his way back from the front lines, and was publicly known to be with six women at the time. He eventually had children with all but one of them - his wife. He now decided that he was the ideal politician (can't argue with him there), and set up a presidential campaign based on free lollipops and keeping your slaves. It failed. Miserably.

The next presidential election was scarcely a year after, when Jackson's leprechaun nemeses mistook D.Q. Adams for Jackson and offed him. Now pushing forty, Andrew began a second campaign once again based on more free lollipops and keeping your slaves, but this time with the added bonus of new handicapped llama parking spaces in all major cities, apparently not realizing that there are no llamas in the U.S. For some reason, he won, probably because his main opponent D.Q. Adams was dead.

As soon as he entered office, Jackson proceeded to re-imprison the leprechauns to the national bank vault, kicked the local Indians off of their ancestral tribal lands that they'd been living on since time immemorial, and notably did not establish handicapped llama parking spaces. On his way to trapping the leprechauns in the National Bank vault, he had to attempt to slay the National Bank, which seems to have actually been the name of dragon guarding said vault. After he ran it through with the lance of Government Debt, he took on the title of brave St. Andrew (pronounced "auld ass-pen").

Everyone was glad to see his term expire, and he returned to his mansion The Moose Lodge, his wife, his numerous girlfriends, and his one hundred and eighty-seven children, where he lived out his years until the leprechauns again escaped and enacted their revenge. Despite the minor setback of being deceased, Jackson successfully won a second term and did nothing but decompose in the Oval Office until it ended.

Famous Quotes[edit | edit source]

“The barn's burned down. Now where the hell am I supposed to keep my horses?”

~ on misfortune

“Anyone with only one wife is either stupid or not a man.”

~ on marriage

“If I had some ham, then I'd have some ham and eggs, because I'd make you give your eggs to me.”

~ on charity

See also[edit | edit source]