Stonewall Jackson
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| Date of birth: | January 21, 1824 | |
| Place of birth: | Clarksburg, West Virginia | |
| Nationality: | American, particularly from the Southern United States. Thus, South American | |
| Date of Passing: | May 10, 1863 | |
| Pwns: | Mexico, Zorro, Northerners, and even Charles Norris | |
Thomas Jonathan "Stonewall" Jackson (1824-1863), known in some circles as His Supreme Excellency Sir General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson I, was a general of South America in the Civil War[1]Among his many exploits were: the conquering of Mexico City, burninating the Northern army in the Civil War, and inventing artillery. anything before his time that resembled artillery was in fact wrong. He was also the manliest man ever.
Life[edit | edit source]
The early life of T.J. "Stonewall" Jackson was a normal one. Other than being raised by the typical South American white anglo-saxon family to love sweet tea and afternoon baseball, (he would later learn to grow in his skills as a sportsman during the First Southern Uprising) Jackson was the average child. Jackson was so typically Southern, that he was said to have such good manners that he could insult and give them great hospitality all in the same sentence. He went off and joined the Army at age 12.
Incontinence[edit | edit source]
Jackon's battle with incontinence is not well-documented, but has recently come to light. [2] At the battles at Gaines' Mill, he was riding in front of his troops into battle when he had the sudden urge to relieve himself. Stonewall turned his horse in an effort to get to the back of the line and empty his bladder, but his soldiers thought he was retreating. He quickly relieved himself and surprised the Union soldiers by turning his men around and leading a victorious charge.
The Mexican-American War[edit | edit source]
Jackson fought in the Mexican-American war. Jackson went on the command many manly men in quite a few battles, avenging America's honor in the name of Texas (and mostly Sam Houston, because the two were practically neighbors in their youth). While dueling the Mexican President, Zorro atop Chapultapec Fortress, Jackson is said to have entangled President Zorro in his mighty chesthair, resulting in the surrender of Mexico. In the end, the Americans offered to pay for the land they conquered in the name of justice. Mexico to this day isn't sure whether these debts have been collected.
Years as a Professor at VMI[edit | edit source]
Jackson spent his inter-war years instructing the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute in how to fire cannons and burninate the hillsides of Virginia. He also taught tons of other subjects and was personally responsible for smartening some of the South's greatest men at VMI. The people of Lexington, Virginia are often said to have gasped and applauded whenever Jackson managed to venture into town. Women would offer themselves to him in the streets, but being a man of God and honor, he would refuse and turn them in to the town authorities.
The Civil War[edit | edit source]
With tensions rising between North and South America, Jackson resolved that he would stick with the South Americans. This choice hampered the north, as two of the Union's best officers were now part of the Confederate States of South America.
Bull Run[edit | edit source]
His first battle, Bull Run, was where he earned his nickname "Stonewall." While leading his troops into battle, some say Jackson ran headlong into them with his saber only and his beard grew to enormous length and width, shielding him from bullets like a stone wall. As this distracted the yanks and wanks, the South American army proceeded to shower them in bullets, whilst Jackson dueled each man individually with his mighty saber. The South American Confederacy won the battle, and it was hailed as Jackson's greatest tactical victory.
Rivalry[edit | edit source]
During the war, Jackson developed a rivalry with Union general Joseph Hooker. Hooker was said to have whordes of naked female attendants who would aid him each night after a battle, but Jackson's extreme manliness was causing some of them to defect to the other side and give him information. Hooker, having contracted a smorgasboard of secksually transmitted diseases, sent one whore on a secret mission to seduce Jackson and give him AIDS, syphillis, and chylamidia.[3] However, Jackson resisted the temptations and sent her off. Instead, the whore had secks with some other guy who in turn shot Jackson.
All Things Come to an End (Supposedly)[edit | edit source]
Victory after victory came as Jackson led the South to glory. Not so fast. Unfortunately for Jackson, his manliness could not save him from his own men. People who specialize in "facts" (known by some as "historians") contend that Jackson was shot by accident in an unfortunate friendly-fire incident. This could not be farther from the truth. Jackson's manliness was so great that one of his jealous corporals stalked him in the night and shot him repeatedly in the arm. Jackson immediately killed him with his raging roar of pain and fury, but the damage was already done. After trying a new technique to save his life (amputating the afflicted area of the body in hopes it will regenerate), Jackson succumbed to the cold fingers of death. The majority of his body is buried in the town cemetery in Lexington, Virginia near his beloved VMI. Other bits and pieces of him are buried throughout the south in the hopes that someday he will rise again many times over to lead the South to glory. VMI declared Jackson to be their Patron Saint and gave him the posthumous title of "His Supreme Excellency".
Manliness[edit | edit source]
Despite his bladder problems Stonewall Jackson is indisputably the manliest man ever. He beats out Chuck Norris by a long shot. He does, however, play poker with Chuck Norris, Mr.T, Clint Eastwood, Robert E. Lee, and Andrew Jackson every 3rd wednesday of the month.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Sometimes, incorrectly referred to as the American Civil War, whereas, in fact, the Civil War is and was the only Civil War. Ever.
- ↑ http://www.thehistorybluff.com/?p=48
- ↑ ...among others...