Virginia Military Institute
“You may be whatever you resolve to be... as long as it starts with 'bad' and ends in 'ass'”
| Virginia Military Insttute | |
|---|---|
 Logo of the VMI | |
| Motto | Consilio Et Animis |
| Established | November 11, 1839 |
| School type | Senior Military College |
| Head | His Imperial Wins'ness |
| Location | Lexington, Virginia, USA |
| Campus | Fairly prison-like |
| Enrollment | 1650 |
| Endowment | Only what the Alumni feel like giving this year... |
| Faculty | We all got freekin' PhD's!!!!! |
| Mascot | Moe the Kangaroo, Who is rumored to breath fire and piss excellence. |
The Virginia Military Institute, or VMI as it is often abbreviated, is a state military college in Lexington, Virginia. It is one of six senior military colleges in the United States and is considered by many to be the greatest educational experience on earth, although VMI cadets are often the most vocal skeptics of this fact. General Robert E. Lee was quoted during the glorious Southern victory of Second Manassas as saying, "The Institute is perhaps the greatest school in the universe."
History[edit | edit source]
Founding and Uprising Against Northern Tyranny[edit | edit source]
VMI was founded in 1839 on the site of a former Yankee arsenal. The VMI cadets under the command of His Supreme Excellency Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson seized the site from those occupiers and tyrants and proclaimed with loud voices that forevermore, Sons of the South would receive training there in order to become officers and later lead the South in conquest of other realms. This first occurred during The War of American Slaughter of a Third-World Country I as officers newly minted from more homosexual military academies such as those in South Carolina led troops in destroying Mexico. Not content with their role as glorified USO models, the VMI alumni tactically acquired numerous articles of male lingerie.
During the Glorious Southern Uprising I, VMI led the way in crushing Yankee forces all over the United States. It is even reputed that cadets seized the White House in June, 1863 in order the have lunch with Abraham Lincoln, then they destroyed the entire city and advanced to the rear somewhere near Richmond. Due to a book-keeping error, the North won the war despite billions of casualties, no doubt dealt at the hands of the VMI cadets. Unfortunately, the North didn't get the memo and the nefarious traitor, Cyrus McCormick, personally led the evil Union forces against the school itself in retaliation for how awesome it was. The Union burned the school to the ground. The school was rebuilt in 1869 and continued to produce officers for the military as undercover agents waiting for the second Southern Uprising. In retaliation for the grave crimes committed against the Institute, General Jackson resurrected himself from the dead to beat the living horse-shit out of Cyrus McCormick before imprisoning him in molten bronze which was then placed on a pedestal in front of Washington and Lee University to be used as a urinal by cadets on their way back from Macado's. The school's graduates would again be prominent in The War of American Slaughter of a Third-World Country II as they personally destroyed not one, but many countries, including: Cuba, The Philippines, Puerto Rico, and Spain. VMI graduate "Tenacious D." Teddy Roosevelt led the conquest of the infamous San Juan Hill. To mark the occasion of his slaughter, he proclaimed; "In the famous words of Saint Stonewall, the Institute was indeed heard from today." Roosevelt would go on to become President.
Battle of New Market[edit | edit source]
The Corp(s) of Keydets is the only student body to ever participate in Mortal Kombat. In 1864, the Corps marched the 86 miles from Lexington to New Market in about 3 hours. Major General Breckinridge, the Confederate commander at New Market, told VMI Superintendent Lieutenant Colonel Scott Ship, "I do not wish to put the Cadets in if I could avoid it, but that should occasion require it, I will use them very freely." The Corp(s) of Keydets took this as an insult to their greatest possession, their Honor, and they voluntarily entered the fray, single-handedly destroying all Union forces on the field with only 10 casualties.
World War I[edit | edit source]
A shitload of graduates won the Medal of Honor. They're all pretty badass according to "Black Jack" Pershing, who is often attributed the quote, "They're all 50 times the men I wish I could be..." Woodrow Wilson specially visited VMI in 1917, aware that is was custom for the President to gain the VMI corps' approval and blessing before going to war. The corps figured it had been almost two decades since the last major war and decided that is was just about time for a good old fashioned American ass-kicking. With the Battle of Verdun going badly for the Allies, France and Great Britain expanded the Lend Lease Act in attaining military assistance from VMI cadets. Specifically, in early September 1916 French General Phillipe Petain garnered a special semester permit for the Rat Class and put them to work digging every square inch of the Allied trench system with their bare hands and teeth, knowing a Rat's penchant for gnawing and digging. With their blessing, the United States went to war and destroyed Germany and later that day, France.
World War II[edit | edit source]
Well, conventional wisdom states that the Marine Corps single-handedly whooped up on Japan during the Second World War. The War was started on December 7th, 1941, a pretty infamous day. Combined forces from the Japanese Empire and Germany launched a devastating sneak attack upon the city of San Francisco. None were left alive. FDR the next day gave a stirring speech from Jackson Memorial Hall at VMI in which he asked the Corps for permission to ask Congress for a declaration of war. The vote was unanimous in favor of teaching Japan a lesson. The VMI cadets were then tasked with leading the U.S. Army and Marines in the Pacific. Under their illustrious leadership, the Atom Bomb was invented over the course of the next 17 days and George C. Marshall personally nuked the nation of the rising sun. The sun would rise on Japan no more...
Academic Ranking[edit | edit source]
Higher then that of MIT, Harvard, Yale, and Stanford's combined. Oxford is now a close second thanks to their enrollment of VMI's 11th Rhodes Scholar, Gregory M. Lippiatt, who is widely regarded as the greatest cadet to graduate from the Institute since George C. Marshall.
Students[edit | edit source]
Admission of Women[edit | edit source]
VMI has long been an all male school. Many contend that this was not ghey. At any rate, the school was forced to admit women in the year 1997 by the US Supreme Court. Since that time, the number of women in the Corps of Cadets has risen steadily every year. The administration has made it a goal to increase the female presence at the school, publicly because the male cadets are lonely, privately because they just don't give damn either way.
Student Life[edit | edit source]
But seriously, many cadets enjoy the regular staples of a normal American college experience. They often sit in their rooms and roam the Internets on weekends trying to distinguish what a "Keydet" actually is. Either that or if they're lucky they get piss-drunk at one of the nation's other fine institutions of higher learning.
Ratline[edit | edit source]
The practice of beating incoming freshman was instituted at VMI in the year 1853, thus begun the tradition of the Ratline. Since that time, more has been added to that tradition. Such modern controversial practices include: "rolling the hay", raping ducks, being boned, and Cocke Hall disciplinary sessions. The legality of the Ratline was challenged in a Supreme Court case in 1948, known as Spitzner v. Virginia. The Justices held 8-1 that VMI had the right to conduct such controversial and cruel practices on the grounds that the incoming freshmen had every right to leave at anytime and end their misery. Navy Seal training, known as BUDS, is based off of VMI's Hell Week, the first portion of the Ratline. Many contend that VMI, being the source of such intense military training, has the hardest 1st week initiation session in the entire country. Only Himalayan Mountain Warrior Monks and the janitorial staff of The Citadel go through more physical pain and mental stress than rats. Those monks have burning coals heaped on their heads and have nails driven through their fingers to determine if Buddha has chosen them worthy of the warrior monk life- and the janitors have to clean up after 2200 amateur cadets cadets who have no toiletry aim whatsoever. An integral part of the rat training process includes a semester of survival swimming lovingly called, "Rat Drowning". In this training, rats are humiliated by wearing poorly fitting swimsuits, forced to swim in water temperatures only a polar bear can appreciate, for hours on end. One famous VMI graduate, Quint, the famous fisherman who caught JAWS only to be eaten by the shark on the deck of his own ship, coined the famous phrase, "Here's to swimmin' with bowlegged women" while in Rat Drowning class. Sometimes rats get fed up with the Ratline and fight back, a tradition known as a "Rat Riot." While all training lasts for a while, the Ratline ends whenever the upper three classes of the school get bored of harassing and torturing the freshman. Rinse and repeat every year.
Military Service[edit | edit source]
While in a constant struggle with homosexual tendencies, VMI supplies the United States with the majority of military officers. The good ones anyway. The only officers that even come close to rivaling VMI graduates are the leaders of the famous 501st Legion commanded by Lord Vader himself. Many like to speculate how a battle between these forces would turn out, but both factions have such admiration for each other skills that they both contend that if such a battle were to occur, the universe would instantaneously implode upon itself. As was stated earlier, the primary objective of training officers at VMI is to prepare for the Second Southern Uprising.
Athletics[edit | edit source]
VMI could lead the NCAA in every category if it wanted to, but it doesn't. It's content with letting its athletes pretend to suck at the sports they participate in, in order to hide their true skills in preparation for the Second American War for Southern Independence.
Notable Graduates[edit | edit source]
- Jack Bauer graduated from VMI as a part of the class of 1967. He has since done many badass things. His leadership helped the class of '67 to become the only college class in history to conquer Latin America.
- Chuck Norris '75 mastered the Ratline in six hours time. He is the only person to breakout of the ratline the day he matriculated. He has since been given 21 honorary degrees from the Institute. They even invented the Norris major just so they could award it to him, with an independent study minor known as "Ass-Kicking, 400 level".
- President Theodore Roosevelt is a distinguished graduate of the class of 1887.
- General Patton Initially a part of the class of 1907, Patton deemed VMI too awesome for him and demoted himself to West Point.
- Col. Claudius Crozet Founder of VMI's fine dinning experience known as Club Crozet.
- General George C. Marshall, class of 1901 is probably the most revered man besides Jackson to ever be associated with VMI.
- Robert E. Lee regretted his choice in going to West Point, and prayed that he'd be reincarnated for the sole purpose of enduring the rigors of the Ratline and VMI academics. His prayer was answered and he graduated with the Class of 1965.
- Gregory M. Lippiatt, VMI class of 2009 and the Institute's 11th Rhodes Scholar. The reincarnation of Socrates, Chaucer, and Alexander the Great, Gregory Lippiatt is considered to be the greatest living person of our time and, after finishing his studies at Oxford, will return to the Institute to lead the Corps in the Second Great Southern Uprising.