UnNews:Grover Cleveland pretty depressed after Trump takes his one cool thing
Tuesday, December 3, 2024
PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY - In one of our most saddest stories of the year, we are downcast to say that Grover Cleveland is pretty depressed that Trump took his one cool thing that made him special. I stand here at the Princeton Cemetery with an Ouija board that we're going to use to call spirits. Hopefully we find Cleveland here, I don't know.
2 HOURS LATER
UNNEWS: So it appears that I have finally found Cleveland as he has spelled his name out for me. Mr. Cleveland, why do you feel so depressed?
CLEVELAND: Well, it's just that, what do I have now? I'm going to wither away in people's minds without any relevance. What is there about me that's special???.
UNNEWS: I'm sure that there's lots of things you still did that no one's done. You're the first president to be filmed and the only president to be married in office.
CLEVELAND: Married in office? Bah! That orange gremlin will be the first to get divorced inside the house!" Grover Cleveland signed. "Sigh, It's no use. It was nice talking to you but I think I need to take this change slowly and not get too offended that there's new-
B. HARRISON: Yo! What's this, Cleve?
CLEVELAND: NO, STOP BENJAMIN!
B. HARRISON: Benjamin Harrison in the damn house! The RE in the OREO, if you know what I mean!
CLEVELAND: GIVE ME THAT DAMN BOARD BACK!
B. HARRISON: Get back to your cave, old man! I'm not taking your crap after what you did while I WAS ALIVE! Anyways, I'm glad that this loser was absolutely decimated. He should feel my pain!
UNNEWS: Harrison, didn't you know that Cleveland would win after the landslide of the 1890 midterms?
B. HARRISON: Oh, yeah, sure. I don't really know. Whatevs. I had commitments to black people's rights?
CLEVELAND: Yeah, that doesn't cut it, dumbass.
B. HARRISON: HEY!
CLEVELAND: his is MY ouija board you motherf-
T. ROOSEVELT: What the hell are you guys doing?
B. HARRISON: Teddy??
T. ROOSEVELT: You interrupted my damn beauty sleep! Give me that! This is Theodore Roosevelt speaking, the greatest president this side of Manhattan! Had anything to say, funky news reporter?
UNNEWS: I'm sorry, this is an interview for Cleveland and Cleveland alone!
TAFT: Did someone say Cincinnati?
T. ROOSEVELT: He did not say Cincinnati, Taft.
B. HARRISON: Typical Yale education to be honest.
TAFT: Shut up! Let me have this weird wooden thing.
UNNEWS: Guys, don't you think we're getting off track? I just wanted to interview one dead president!
TAFT: If you want to go through him, you'll have to go through all of us!
B. HARRISON: The hell that suppose to mean, you can't even go through a door shitass!
WILSON: Language people, language. Let Woodrow straighten this out.
B. HARRISON: Oh, just like you straightened it out in the Western Front? If it wasn't for that damn telegram Congress wouldn't have gone with your war hawk ass.
WILSON: Shut up Ben. I'm known for many things!
T. ROOSEVELT: Loving racial segregation and The Birth of a Nation?
WILSON: I didn't know!
B. HARRISON: Well you should've before you became the most powerful man on the EARTH!
HARDING: Can I jive in?
EVERYONE: SHUT UP HARDING!
HARDING: Fine.
COOLIDGE: You people really don't amuse me.
TAFT: Calvin, nothing amuses you.
COOLIDGE: Good. Unlike most of you I rallied for racial equality, women's suffrage, and I oversaw the great Roaring Twenties. I stand here a man that may be a better president than anyone trying to touch the ouija board right now.
HOOVER: Well I beg to differ...
COOLIDGE: Hoover, please. We all know what you caused.
HOOVER: So? Trump follows in my footsteps and he becomes president.
F. D. ROOSEVELT: And since when did we say he was good?
CLEVELAND: Here comes the president in the literal wheelchair...
F. D. ROOSEVELT: Such blatant disrespect for a man who may be the best president in modern history.
T. ROOSEVELT: Most of your policies hurt the Depression more than helped it.
F. D. ROOSEVELT: But the earth is still spinning and the U.S. is still alive, no? I helped all Americans until my tragic passing, as I handed the baton to..
COOLIDGE: The weird little human?
TRUMAN: Harry Truman!
HARDING: The lunatic who dropped the bomb?
TRUMAN: Ehh.. Correction: two bombs.
UNNEWS: Can I speak now?
TRUMAN: QUIET! The great Harry Trumini is talking.
EISENHOWER: I'm afraid none of that made any sense. Besides, Truman, you weren't ever a general in that fatal war. I was there, and if it wasn't for me America would not be standing and Nazi Germany would become the horrible superpower it is.
B. HARRISON: I know you're not talking with that long-ass forehead.
EISENHOWER: Sheesh. With you people I wish there was a double afterlife...
COOLIDGE: Well, at least we all naturally survived. Unlike that guy.
KENNEDY: The hell did I do?
EISENHOWER: Get shot.
KENNEDY: Doesn't matter! You're glad you didn't get shot too with that-
F. D. ROOSEVELT: Harrison already made the joke, don't push it.
KENNEDY: Oh fuck off Roosevelt, you'd be shot driving down the Dallas sidewalk!
F. D. ROOSEVELT: I don't take shit from one-term presidents, thank you very much.
A. JOHNSON: Well, damn. Didn't have to be that mean.
B. HARRISON: Us one-term presidents tried to stop your unabashed prejudice!
WILSON: That's prejudice to like 20 people?
A. JOHNSON: You're just biased since you were in the seat for too long.
WILSON: Same for you to be completely honest...
CLEVELAND: Are you guys forgetting that you're both Democrats?
F. D. ROOSEVELT: I'm appalled you forgot about the party switch I caused.
L. B. JOHNSON: Hey, that was also my doing! It was the only way our party could survive, you gotta go where the money is at! Heheh, those dumb nig- sorry, I didn't say nothin' else!
NIXON: Typical ungovernable Democrats!
A. JOHNSON: Rich coming from the most ungovernable term in American history...
*silence*
A. JOHNSON: Oh, sorry *ahem* in the 20th century.
TRUMAN: Yeah, no shade Nixon but you're like Harding and Wilson combined.
NIXON: So? Replace Harding with FDR and you get someone like yourself!
HOOVER: I feel kinda weirded out by all this Dragon Ball stuff you guys are doing.
TRUMAN: Hey, only I can talk about the Japs.. er, Japanese?
FORD: The hell are you guys saying?
UNNEWS: Since when did cars die?
NIXON: Oh, no, this guy is just named Ford. I owe a lot to him, he's the guy that gave me the pardon!
COOLIDGE: And it all went downhill from there... I don't even think anyone kills their presidency that early, well except for-
REAGAN: Enough with the Trump jokes.
T. ROOSEVELT: Here comes the original MAGA guy..
FORD: Reagan, my man! Sorry for that 1976 primary thing..
REAGAN: I focus on the future, Ford. Well, that's weird saying that to dead presidents..
B. HARRISON: Jay-Z?
REAGAN: Oh no, I hate black people.
FORD: Damn.
WILSON: Spoken like a true broth- I mean, how dare you!
HARDING: Everyone heard that man.
FORD: Everyone heard about your scandals after you got your heart attack trying to cover them up, no?
HARDING: Let's not break the ice with a sledgehammer, eh?
H. W. BUSH: You mean break the Berlin Wall, eh, eh?
KENNEDY: I arguably helped Cold War relations more than you.
REAGAN: I did!
EISENHOWER: What if we just all say that we helped in wars?
T. ROOSEVELT: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! Where's that jackass McKinley? I'll clean his clock after what he did to Spain!
TAFT: You care that much?
UNNEWS: Is that all of the dead guys? Well, I guess starting from Cleveland.
A. JOHNSON: Oh whoops, I heard "Johnson" so I came. I guess I was the wrong Johnson..
L. B. JOHNSON: Yeah, get the hell outta my lane, Andrew. Typical schmuck who can't follow instructions..
A. JOHNSON: [fading out] Why don't I ever get invited to anything you guys do? I'm tired of hanging out with losers like Buchanan, Van Buren, and Polk!
L. B. JOHNSON: Because you're the guy who was a letdown from Lincoln. I'm the real Johnson here!
MCKINLEY: You forgot about m- *high-pitched scream*
T. ROOSEVELT: AND THIS! AND THIS! AND THIS!
H. W. BUSH: Yeah, that's all of them.
*noise*
UNNEWS: What the hell was that?
TAFT: That's the sound that's made when a president dies.
H. W. BUSH: Since when?
MCKINLEY: You're a new soul man, you wouldn't kno- OW!
NIXON: I can't even make out who it is...
REAGAN: Is that-
CARTER: Where the hell am I?
UNNEWS: I just stared at a board for 2 hours, what a win for modern journalism.. I'm William McKin- wait, no. Uh, I forgot my name. I'm an anonymous tipper and this is UnNews!
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