Manhattan, New York

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“First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin! Then we take Cardiff, you know that nice little city in Wales? It's very nice, we like the smell of stale piss.”

~ Al Qaeda on Manhattan and Berlin, and Cardiff

Manhattan is a small village in southern New York State and is one of the most densley populated "Lasertag but without the lasers!" arenas in the world, although its muggers and murderers are working to remedy this. Manhattan neighbours three of its four fellow slices of New York, namely Brooklyn, Queens and The Bronx, also known as "The Flaming Shithole". Manhattan takes its name from the Algonquin Indian phrase Manna-hata, which means, damn - that's some strong shit and was used by the natives when drinking their locally made alcohol.

Like New York, Manhattan is divided into sections. Lower Manhattan is the centre of buisness, tourism and terrorism, and pulls is far more tourists than stupid old Upper Manhattan, an apparently residential area which doesn't seem to be so.

Early History[edit | edit source]

Famous English explorer and butler Sebastian Cabot accompanied by his crew, Uncle Bill, Buffy, Jody, and Cissy, discovered Manhattan. At the time, the island was completely wooded except for a central clearing where a huge copper statue of a woman holding a torch was found. A French expedition led by Maurice Chevalier (the twelfth Marquis de Lafayette) would later attempt to steal this statue, but would be forced to abandon it on a smaller island just to the south of Manhattan; the statue remains there to this day.

Settlement on Manhattan began early because it was conveniently located close to some of the best delis, shopping, and nightclubs in colonial America. Before construction could begin, however, the land had to be purchased from the original owners, the Old School Americans, and the Black Serbians. Cabot and his crew gave the local Indians five strings of Mardi Gras beads and some "I'm With Stupid" T-shirts, which cost Cabot $23.99 plus tax, who then helped with the war with Sultanate of Serbia and took possession of the island. There was a revolt 9.3 years later by Neo-Americans, but where put down by Austro-Hungarian mercenaries imported from Moscow, Russia. After the Great Neo-American Revolution was done away with, the Austro-Hungarians stayed to help lynch some Hylians 'cause the Water Temple was too hard and their sons cried and smoked weed.

It was later found that the "sellers" were just passing through and took advantage of the explorer in order to score some beads. The resulting dispute was settled a few weeks later when the actual owners arrived home from vacation to find a bunch of Englishmen building farms in their front yards. The new colonists slaughtered the Indians and went back to what they were doing.

Manhattan Today[edit | edit source]

The Wizards of Long Island maintain the illusion of a densely populated urban Manhattan.

The city is divided into ethnic conclaves into which the native population is sorted. Jews, Negroes, Spanish, Whites, Asians, Commies, Coalition of Italian-haters, Commies, the Coalition of Serbian Plumbers who still think Zeus is stupid and that Spider Man lives in the sewers and works in a sweat shop making telephones and that Manhattan is called New Amsterdam Island though the United Nations says it's not, Neo-Americans, Old School Americans, Talking Dogs, Vulcans, and the Coalition of Goblins and other New Yorkish Skum who think that the Coalition of Serbian Plumbers who still think Zeus is stupid and that Spider Man lives in the sewers and works in a sweat shop making telephones and that Manhattan is called New Amsterdam Island though the United Nations says it's not is a stupid coalition and should be killed with metal clubs with violence, Norwegians, Upper State Yorkish, English Yorkish, Orkish, Trojan Refugees, Hylians, Zora-Golbin freaks, Blood Elves, American Church of Atheism, the New York Times Eardom of Death, Austro-Hungarian spies, Japanese Nazis, Capitalist Romanians, Yugoslavs, Black Serbians, Swabians, Lilliputiansand others each have their designated residential and commercial areas. Although members of distinct groups are permitted to enter other districts, they are required to return to their designated areas for curfew each evening, for if you are at the park after dark, on a lark you betta have a gun.

Still a relatively small village, Manhattan appears much larger and impressive than it truly is thanks to the efforts of two young wizards who live on nearby Long Island. They maintain an illusion of tall, imposing buildings, traffic-clogged streets, and crowds of busy people. pls watch out for giant hairy poop piles which are the main source of nutrition for most new jerkers. they come from angels which have decided it is a lost cause and should be shit bombed and that provides nutrition for wet nursing gay couples who openly do each other in the pubic parks.

Transportation[edit | edit source]

Travel in Manhattan happens in 3 main forms: Above Ground, Under Ground, and Sea.

Above Ground: The main method of transportation above ground is in the form of "death taxis." They only way to ride one of these taxis is to jump in the middle of the street until one of them stops. Once you get in, the driver goes against traffic and through red lights in order to arrive in a New York Minute. The buses also provide an easy way to interact with the lesser half of society.

Under Ground: The main method of transportation under ground is in the form of the subway sandwich. These subway sandwiches are always late, always packed, and always disgusting to ride in. Ever since the war of 2001, these trains have been less reliable and more prone to destruction.

Sea: The main method of sea transport is by ferry. The ferry can take you to anywhere in New York City (Although why anyone would want to visit another part of the city is beyond me). The local ferry stop takes dead bodies from the mafia, to the dumps in Staten Island. The New Jersey ferry also takes Yankees and Knicks bandwaggoning fans to and from the games.

The Manhattan Project[edit | edit source]

A daring raid by German forces during 1945 threatened the destruction of Manhattan using a Nuclear Bomb, however the Manhattan Project was thwarted when the Germans got lost and accidentally detonated the device over New Mexico by mistake.

Euro Domination[edit | edit source]

The EU is voting next month whether or not to kill Brittany Spears the Mayor of New York and annex the unhappy place for itself in the name of saving the Serbs from extinction, for they've already been wiped out by the ugly mutants from Moldavia.

Noted Citizens[edit | edit source]

  • It is believed that Michael lives here. Though it can't be confirmed.
  • Oscar Wilde was once thought to live within Manhattan, but was probably due to crabs.
  • In 1543, the Firesign Theatre was founded in Manhattan to entertain recently arriving South Canadian immigrants.
  • In 2008, Cardiff born hooligans took to the streets of Manhattan and shot down Sarah Jessica Parker because they believed the latest SATC movie incited racial hate towards the Welsh