A butler is a type of criminal who masquerades as a senior servant in a large household in order to commit nefarious deeds that would not be possible in non-household positions. The crimes that a butler commits include: murder, embezzlement, witty comments, and washing light and dark clothes together.
Getting into a household
Before a butler can commit his crimes, he needs to get a job as a majordomo. This usually involves a job interview. A smart master will make sure that the sign outside his mansion looking for help says "No butlers!" Not-so-smart masters usually forget about this restriction on their signs. A butler thrives under these types of masters. However, a butler still needs to be intervewed before he can get into a household. A typical job interview with a butler goes like this:
- Master: What jobs can you do around the house?
- Butler: I can wash blood off clothes, I can direct all of the junior servants to commit crimes and themselves to their work, and even cook up stories about my innocence!
- M: What was that? I couldn't quite hear you.
- B: Just my qualifications.
- M: So, I see that all of your previous masters died under mysterious circumstances. Are you a butler?
- B: Why would I be one? Besides, your sign outside doesn't exclude butlers from this interview!:
- (long pause while the master thinks)
- M: I'm sure that won't be the only mistake you'll notice. You're hired!
- B: Heh heh heh heh hah hah hah hah HAH HAH HAH HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAH(realizes that master is still there)-hah-hah-haaaaaaachoo!
- M: Gesundheit.
- B: Thank you.
A butler cannot be in one household too long without running the risk of discovery. Most butlers switch to a different household after one to two years of butlering. This is done by an elaborately executed plan to destroy the house. The plan usually involves a Rube Goldberg machine set off by a seemingly innocuous action, such as a liquid being poured into a glass or a vacuum cleaner sucking up gunpowder. The machine invariably ends with the house burning down. The butler escapes once the machine has been started, in order to flee before the police arrive. The butler starts life anew, then looks for a new majordomo job, preferably one serving a master who hates the previous victim. This is because the new master will think that the fire was started by the old master in order to get money, or arse-on. The new butler slowly formulates his plan, taking into account the layout of the mansion and how boorish visitors are, and the process starts over again.
As a surname "Butler" was originated by Theobald le Botiller, founder of the Butler crime family. Botiller made his mark as a criminal by briefly deviating from his patrol route in Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire to murder King Edward II of England. The name "Botiller" eventually evolved into the name "Butler". Soon, "Butler" became a term for a person who took a job in order to commit crimes. That definitition eventually evolved into the current one.
How to spot a butler
If your majordomo is exhibiting any of these characteristics, you may have a butler on your hands.
- Name ending in -worth. Common names are: Wadsworth, Pennyworth, Moneysworth, Alfredworth, Killingworth, Butlerworth, Nameworth, Murderworth, Worthworth, and Throatslasherworth. Also, the name Jeeves is very common, and if he is called Jeevesworth... well, I don't think you'll survive for more than a few minutes after hiring him.
- English accent. Perhaps the most revealing detail, this accent is due to most butlers coming from in England.
- Inexplicably large amounts of money. A good way to test if your majordomo is a butler is to ask him where the money came from. If he says anything besides "The lottery, as I am paid minimum wage" you almost certainly have a butler in your employ.
- Suspicious actions. These vary from...vary from...um...let's see here...where'd I put that reference paper?
Englishworth? Do you know where I put my reference paper for that butler article? Because I couldn't... find... them. Englishworth, no!
(gunshot noises, sound of dead body hitting floor)
Okay, let's get down to business
All right, I have a few minutes left before the domicide begins, so I'm just going to give you a few tips.
Things to do when hired
That fool got it wrong at the top of the article; all we do is murder. All kinds of murder, though. If you look up "murder" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of a butler. A butler killing someone, that is. In my dictionary. That I wrote myself. Moving on..
How to avoid getting caught butlering
You need a few henchmen to protect and serve you. Once you're in the house, they'll do all your dirty work while you just sit and direct them. That fool didn't even know about that part. During the stay, analyze the personalites of the henchmen. Let the ones that might tell about your secret life perish in the domicide. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a domicide to start.
Exceptions: Hiring Butler to Battle
It is possible to hire a butler to butler for some other person, but it can be very expensive.
In this case the most impressive option is called "battling butler". An example is given in Kuroshitsuji, a Japanese closet shonen-ai anime. The problem being, the butler character is not really a human being but a demon (however, it is talented), and his name, being 'Sebastian Michaelis,' doesn't end with '-worth'.
He does have an English accent, though.
- If a butler was not a criminal, he would be called a majordomo.
- Also known as "domicide".
- The entire family was arrested after the location of their secret headquarters was overheard during a tour of a British Army base.
- At least we think that's where they come from. The only evidence is the accent.