Brooklyn

Brooklyn (aka CROOK-lyn), New York used to be one of the most famous cities in the United States. It was "The Greatest Generation" that made it so, before they all moved to Long Island or directly to Florida. Brooklyn is burning.

Famous for it's "Big Booty Bitches", it is one of the five boroughs of New York City (the others being Manhattan, Queens, the Bronx and Michael Phelps). As part of New York State, Brooklyn is known as Nigga County. On top of Brooklyn is Queens (Queens County), which is a geographic illustration of how "progressive" those New Yorkers are.

Many famous people sprung from Brooklyn. Great names like Isaac Asimov, Woody Allen, Legio Caesar and Murder Incorporated were born and grew up in Brooklyn.

The Brooklynese accent was so strong and irritating like a wasp buzzing in July. It was considered another language, like Ebonics. It took years of English training for a native of Brooklyn to be understood west of the Hudson River or north of the Long Island Sound.

You see these houses a lot.

Also, ice cream fights, nearly identical houses and hipsters are very common on Brooklyn.

History

Like New Jersey, Brooklyn (formerly Breuklein or however they spelled it) was first settled by the Dutch who were unwilling to pay those high New Amsterdam rents. Hence why New Yorkers can barely pronounce an "r(leading it to be pronounced “Bwook-lyn”.) The accent variants had German/Dutch pronunciations.

What put Brooklyn on the map was its being the venue of George Washington's first retreat from the British in the Battle of Long Island (on which Brooklyn sits) in the good old Revolutionary War. Under cover of night, he and his troops slipped down the hill in Brooklyn Heights, got into rowboats and quietly made their way into New York City (now called Manhattan), stopped at Fraunce's Tavern for a quick drink and a quickie, and then crossed the Hudson to New Jersey. He really gave those Brits the slip, and likely fathered a child in the process. But I digress...

Brooklyn lost its independence to New York City in 1898 when Minute Men from Manhattan stormed through the newly built Brooklyn Bridge.

They regained independence the next day when the hares blew up the Brooklyn Bridge because the minuteman didn't bring any cookies.

They lost there independence the next summer because of a wasp plague which killed the hares and rebuilt the bridge.

Property values soared when it was learned that Larry King had moved to Florida, years before his first appearance on CNN. Brooklyn had really come into its own.

Northern Brooklyn, from Brooklyn Heights to Park Slope, is the home of the Wall Street set. To live in Brooklyn Heights, you must be a bad Goldman Sachs employee.

Southern Brooklyn, especially Coney Island and Brighton Beach are governed by the Russian Mafia. Coney Island houses the world headquarters of the Polar Bear Club, which is becoming endangered by global warming. Soon, their New Year's Day romp in the waters of Coney Island Beach will be like diving into a heated pool with condoms floating on top of the water, as compared to today, when it is like diving into liquid ice with condoms floating on top.

Brooklyn was a major exporter of frighteningly large ejaculation probes to the Third World until the industry was curtailed during the Smurf Wars of the late 1970s.

Trust me...imagine living in this place and you have to pay a million dollars for rent.

As of now, the city is infamous for its high rent. Just like the state itself.

Neighborhoods and areas

Central Brooklyn

• Crown Heights - A local hipster area. Known for its children's museum and garden. There's so much things to do but that is not saying much.
• Weeksville - A neighborhood that is filled with Black people. Used to be a village.
• Flatbush - There's a lot of yard sales happening in the neighborhood. Don't ask why. Also, capitalism is prevalent there.
• Beverley Squares - Is only filled with Victorian-style houses.
• Ditmas Park - A British ripoff of Flatbush. Party like Queen Victoria's still alive!
• East Flatbush - Has a lot of people from the Caribbean. Also has a section called "Farragut" which was used to be populated by Jews and Italians. Now it's mostly populated with Black people, because as mentioned, there's people from the Caribbean. There's also a village in the area that is home to rugby fans.
• Fiske Terrace - Was opened in 2008. Otherwise, more homes.
• Wingate - Formerly known as Pigtown due to its large pig population.
• Prospect Park - Has a very famous zoo and park. A nature-lover's area.
• Prospect Lefferts Gardens - The first residents of this area called it "Brooklyn's best kept secret". That was until World War II when that secret was no longer kept.
• Prospect Park South - For those who want Prospect Park as their backyard instead.
• Windsor Terrace - You'll most likely be friends with people there than any other neighborhood.
• Kensington - Claims to be the British town of the same name.
• Ocean Parkway - The name says it all. It is a parkway and it has an ocean near it.
• Parkville - When typed into Google, the first thing that comes up is the town of the same name in Maryland. It's a hidden area in Kensington.

Eastern Brooklyn

• Brownsville - A lot of apartments. They're mostly deteriorating.
• Canarsie - Also known as "The Flossy".
• East New York - The easternmost place in the state. You'll see people who are obsessed with their neighborhood.
• City Line - This used to be Brooklyn's "capital". It isn't.
• Cypress Hills - It's filled with nothing but brownstones.
• New Lots - Should've been renamed to Old Lots instead.
• Spring Creek - More housing developments.
• Starrett City - It's not a city, it's more housing developments.
• Highland Park - It's also a place in New Jersey.

Northern Brooklyn

• Bedford-Stuyvesant - Only live here if you're a 9/11 conspiracist. Otherwise it's arguably the most famous neighborhood in Brooklyn.
• Bedford - Home to nothing but Holocaust deniers.
• Ocean Hill - It's also home to a serial killer.
• Stuyvesant Heights - Apparently the school of the same name doesn't appear here.
• Bushwick - One of the few places that has more museums than houses. There are a lot of art galleries and Andy Warhol impersonators.
• Wyckoff Heights - Has a boring logo funded by a bank.
• East Williamsburg - More hipsters.
• Greenpoint - This neighborhood is home to lots of celebrities. But hey, at least it's affordable...right?
• Little Poland - Exactly what it is.
• Williamsburg - Air pollution exists there. It's home to lots of punk and indie bands, apparently.

Northwestern Brooklyn

• Brooklyn Heights - The only cool place in Brooklyn.
• Brooklyn Navy Yard - Imagine living next to the navy yard.
• Admiral's Row - Doesn't exist.
• Cadman Plaza - There are no houses there.
• Clinton Hill - There's another park there and you could make it as your backyard. It's also home to more celebrities.
• Downtown Brooklyn - It tries to hard to be Manhattan.
• Bridge Plaza/RAMBO - Weird houses and more.
• DUMBO - Not the Disney movie though. Otherwise it's another hipster hot spot.
• Fulton Ferry - Not a ferry service.
• Fort Greene - How many contradictory names are there?
• Prospect Heights - Suffering from gentrification.
• Pacific Park - Suffering from more gentrification.
• Vinegar Hill - Why would you name a place after vinegar of all things?!
• South Brooklyn - I give up.
• Boerum Hill - More celebrities and hipsters live and/or have lived there.
• Carroll Gardens - There are lots of French people who live there.
• Columbia Street Waterfront District - The longest name for an area in Brooklyn.
• Cobble Hill - Boerum Hill's evil twin.
• Gowanus - Literally named the sleeper, this place will guaranteed to make you tired by the time you arrive.
• Park Slope - Stuck in the past.
• South Park Slope - Not stuck in the past, but that's not saying much.
• Greenwood Heights - Even more hipsters and also metrosexuals.
• Park Slope Village - Take a shot every time "Park Slope" is said.
• Red Hook - Known for the place's only IKEA. It will remain there forever.

Southern Brooklyn

• Barren Island - It is what it is.
• Bergen Beach and Georgetown - It's next to Coney Island.
• Coney Island - The reason why it's popular is because of its amusement park.
• Brighton Beach - Another coastal beach area.
• West Brighton - It's also a neighborhood in Staten Island.
• Manhattan Beach - Should've been Brooklyn Beach instead of Manhattan Beach.
• Sea Gate - Sounds like the name of a scandal.
• Sheepshead Bay & Madison - Has a large sheep population.
• Homecrest - It sounds like the name of a school.
• Midwood - Get it? Mid?
• Flatlands - Not what it is.
• Gerritsen Beach - How many beaches are in Southern Brooklyn? I'm afraid it's a lot.
• Gravesend - A dead end.
• White Sands - Is known for its white sand beach.
• Marine Park - Also not a park.
• Mill Basin - Most boring name ever.
• Plumb Beach - The official sign removes the first 'B'.

Southwestern Brooklyn

• Bay Ridge - Is not a bay.
• Fort Hamilton - Also is not a fort.
• Bensonhurst - The reject Chinatown due to its diverse population.
• Bath Beach - There are no beaches in Bath Beach, but there are portable bathrooms everywhere.
• New Utretcht - Has an unpronouncable name.
• Borough Park - The alleged capital of Brooklyn.
• Mapleton - More maple trees can be seen.
• Dyker Heights - Your wallet will hate you for this.
• Sunset Park - There is a park where you can see some pretty cool sunsets.
• Chinatown - Not talking about the other Chinatowns in other places, this would've been it's own country.

Things to do in Brooklyn

Nothing. Seriously, you literally time traveled here. Unless you go to some fancy restaurants then it is probably very boring.

See also

• Hell
• 20th Century