“I washed my best suit in vinegar and now it has a wonderful stain across the front.”
“People say I'm full of piss and ... something else ... shit I can't remember.”
Vinegar, not to be confused with Vinegar™, is nature's not-so-secret weapon. It can be used for many purposes and has thousands of applications in everyday life. Akin to magical fairy dust and the Presidency of the United States, it can be used to achieve literally anything one desires. All this and it tastes
crap nice on chips.
Don't be fooled by the fakes
The only problem is that the real stuff is actually like fairy dust in that it is very scarce and hard to find. The vinegar you buy from your local Tescos or Morrisons is rubbish and is only good as a sub-standard, tax-free car fuel substitute. And even then it only works in really old, pre-automobile piracy Ford Focuses. You could use it on chips, but would you risk incinerating your insides with this potent acid like thousands do every day?
No, because the average Uncyclopedia reader is cleverer than the man on the street. The Uncyclopedia reader is armed with knowledge only the power of literacy and communication can provide. And by reading this, you too will be armed with this privileged information on just what powerful, almost magical qualities this humble brown substance has.
Magical properties you say? Tell me more
The real, genuine bona fide vinegar with the magical properties is brewed, or fermented, in secretive, remote locations in China and Japan utilising the sweat of genuine Inuit chip shop owners and a highly guarded secret ingredient. It is only distributed in the Western World by The Windsor Group, who began life as book publishers but expanded into the lucrative vinegar market on realising its potential. Oh yeah, and they published a book about it to cash in as well. Well, you would, wouldn't you?
Needless to say, it is very costly, with small amounts of 200g selling on an Internet auction site recently for upwards of £5,000. You will know if it is the genuine stuff and not some cheap boot sale knock off by the faint red glow which it eminates. If it glows green, do not approach it, as it is most likely to be radioactive waste flogged by a farmer that lives next door to a mobile telephone mast.
Equally, beware of strangers knocking at your door attempting to sell you so called 'vinegar'. This is almost always not the real thing and usually comes in the form of a mixture of pig's blood, Ribena or liquidised figs. Luckily, it is easy to spot these counterfeit versions due to the fact they smell of rotting fruit and dog food. The best thing to do is not to answer the door at all if you hear a knock, or stuff a banana in their eye and quickly close the door before they have the chance to say anything.
- Having Fun: Spicy water pistol fuel. Aim for opponent's eyes for maximum enjoyment.
- Delightful Drink: Wonderful cordial that tastes better than Vimpto and Ribena put together. Don't forget to dilute it first, though: seven parts vinegar to one part highlighter fluid is recommended, though car wax will suffice.
- Paint stripper, though Coca Cola is much cheaper and smells better.
Plus loads more. Unfortunately due to copyright reasons we cannot print any more, otherwise the dudes from the Windsor Group will "have our guts for garters," according to their website. Not that we're worried about that, I'm sure they're all over sixty (they'd have to be, using an ancient expression like 'guts for garters') and unable sustain much of a chase.
Oh, alright then.
Here are the top secret applications of vinegar that they don't want you to know about.
- Removing ketchup stains from a wollen suit: Use a cloth and rub vinegar on to the stain with vigor (a vinger extract). This will remove the stain within minutes. After a few more minutes it will also remove the suit. But this is a good thing because when you walk down the street in a wollen suit people point and laugh.
- Cleaning silverware: Use a cloth and rub vinegar on to the stain with enthusiasm (a vinger extract). Soon your silverware will look like just a mirror! - cracked, dirty, peeling and with a sad and disappointed face staring out of it.
- Cleaning parrots: Use a cloth and rub vinegar on to the parrot with feeling (a vinger extract). After a few minutes, the parrot will be entirely gone and your living room will look just like it did before it was there at all. If visitors or uncles comment on the missing parrot, simply use a cloth and rub them with vinegar. They won't ask any more questions.
- Get rid of unwanted guests: Give them a cup of tea laced with vinegar and watch them squirm.
- Warning: ensure the guest is not your child's teacher, a rather large, rough-looking bloke or The Queen or this method will not function. Everyone knows vinegar is Queen Liz's favourite tipple.
But wait, there's more
Jeez, we're so close to crossing the thin line between appropriation and stealing...
- Fish food. Note: if fish upturn and float to top of tank, it may be necessary to buy some new fish. On the plus side, they are already half-prepared for your lunch.
- Reviving the dead: application of vinegar to the chest can, in some cases, revive a dying person. It is thought the heavenly aroma of the chippy brings them to their senses.
- Growing hair on a billiard ball, though I have no idea why anyone other than pool sharks would need to do this.
- Conception of ginger children. Applying vinegar inside the foreskin prior to (and during) sex activates the ginger gene inside the sperm.